11/1/22 Taking it one day at a time...

 

Slow your Roll !!!!

Hey JD,
So I may be in the middle of a mid-life crisis...
I wish people would stop telling me I'm still young... Or ...You're too young to be worrying about *-fill in the blank-*...

My anxiety has been on high this month... Like border line Crazy Status! I find myself hitting on the most inappropriate men... Or Emotionally unavailable men... Or just plain just available men! Meaning theyre there and Im just gonna hit on them even if I dont find them attractive!...
I definitely need to slow my roll...
Take a breath... Count to 20... Or 100...
And most definitively STOP HITTING ON EVERYONE!!! I have Not hit on any attached men though all though for the amount of alcohol Ive consumed in the past month Im surprised I havent started hitting on girls too!
Uuuuugh!!!
 I need to straighten my thoughts out... ✋ look and listen to my common sense... Listen to My inner voice... And stop listening to my crazy one...

What did i do today?
I actually got out of bed today... Thanks to Sheryll. We saw the bumble bee movie! ❤it ... We had lunch too... I love our girl outings.
I've been partying it up and mingling it up with new peeps.... But the problem with that is I tend crash from the social butterfly high... And that crash sucks big time...  You see as a person with Anxiety I tend to over analyze... And reanalyze ... Until my brain hurts and I regret ever going out in the first place... Sounds exhausting huh? Well ... It is!!! Then I need another day or 2 to get myself "over it" ...

Jan 1st New Years day: Panic Attack!

I hadn't had a panic attack in a loooong time... Im glad it wasn't a big one... They suck! .. But there I was waiting on the gold line to take me to Pasadena when bam! Stupid anxiety... Youre ok... You're fine... Breath... I called Cindy... Talking to someone gives me comfort.. Helps me stop spiraling...
Other then the attack I had a pretty cool day helping out the Jaycees at the Rose Bowl. It was alot of fun despite spending all my time with complete strangers... Lol...
All in all I think Ive made awesome progress when it comes to my social anxieties... I did get a little anxious when I was told I'd be interacting with strangers but I gave myself a pep talk and I pulled through! I spoke to over 50 people that day... Was offered various alcoholic beverages and a jello shot... Lol...
All in all... It was a fun day... Lol

Old Journals...

Hello JD
Long time no write. . . Ive recently repossessed my old Jornals. The ones where I would put pen to paper. I miss writing... My life feels like it's missing something... I have the job I've always wanted. I shape young minds... I love what I do... I may not be rich but I am rich in laughs and love from these tiny humans and I cant imagine doing anything else... I've continued to volunteer for Relay for Life every year in memory of Ranee and I recently joined the Pasadena Jaycees. The Jaycees help me with my volunteer fix. Lol. Volunteering makes me feel good, which has helped me fill in some of the void... But I still feel it... That void. That emptiness... I don't know if its because I am about to have another birthday and I have yet to meet someone that makes me feel alive and special or because I feel like Im not doing enough with my life... It might be both. So far I've met men that are emotionally unavailable... I feel like I may be internally seeking them out... Lol. Do i really want to put my heart back out there? Do I want to risk the pain? A part of me does... A big part... Ive learned alot from the 3 boyfriends and 1 fiance I've had the pleasure of creating memories with... Albeit not all good... Lol... I feel hopeless... I've never been good with meeting men. It doesn't help that I work in an industry that is run mostly by women... But even then Ive always been awkward when it comes to men. I wish I had more confidence in myself. I guess thats where I have to start.... Building my confidence.
1. Build your confidence.

How do I do that?

the one about loosing everything. ..... all over again. ...

Ranee died on July 10th if this year.... I feel like I want to die too.... my heart aches..... it's as though I lost him too. ... all over again. .. it was as though I fell in love with him all over again then lost him. ... ALL OVER AGAIN. ... I don't feel like explaining at the moment. ... but I can honestly say I have never felt this much pain in my entire life. ... I thought I had. ... I thought I had. ...

Dating....

So I started dating. I've never quite got the hang of "dating". I've always been rather shy around boys. When ever they spoke to me, It was as though my mind shut off for minutes after and the English language escaped my sense of comprehension. That was mostly in elementary and middle school... I only slightly improved on my vocal skills with boys in High School, only with the help of my two best guy friends, Chris and Chris. They helped me practice. LOL
My first three boyfriends only went out with me once before I became their Girlfriend. One, I hardly ever saw, I saw more of his twin brother then him; and the other two lived hundreds of miles away from me.
I guess I'm use to having boys tell me right away what they want... so I'm finding this whole dating thing quite frustrating. Do they like me? What are they looking for? What do they want from me?...
I'm also beginning to think I get attached too easily. I meet these guys, and I enjoy spending time with them but then I no longer hear from them after the third date. Why cant they just be up front and say they no longer want to see me, or they don't think we're compatible or even hey you don't want to sleep with me so I'm going to find someone who will... etc.etc... It's rather frustrating.

I don't think I like this thing called dating... maybe I'll just say I'm looking for a few good guy friends. I've always wanted to have a best friend and fall in love with him.

The Past is getting in the way of....

... new beginnings. Alot has happened in the last the last three months. So much that I've been on the verge of a nervous break down... or perhaps I already had one. Well, regardless, their is more to come and I'm hoping to be able to handle it. . . Whatever IT may be.
People come and go in my life and I have to learn to deal with it.... Shit happens to people, included myself, after all I am a People. ... lol ... :/ So I need to learn how to adapt and persevere in the face of shitty circumstances... No matter how badly I'd like a Do Over, it aint gonna happen so I have to look towards the future.... hmmm... Fuck it! Why dont I just focus on the right now???
 Step One: Focus on the TODAY... Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. :P

Surfing Blogs

found this... i'd like to think its god's way of telling me... keep on looking forward liz... and dont forget to smile, even if you have no reason to... or maybe its just a coincidence... sigh...

Important reminders for Me

If you want to be happy -- choose to be.

If you dwell on negativity your life is going to be just that.

If you smile on the world, it WILL smile back.

Enjoy the little things, they may be gone someday (People included).

Do the things that you want to do, because you are in charge of your own life, and if you let other people determine your decisions you may live in regret someday.

Spend time with the people who lift you up, bring laughter to your lips, and who you cannot live without.

Don't over-complicate things. Things are already as complicated as they need to be.

When things get overwhelming and you feel like life is falling apart, remember your blessings - don't focus on the curses.

Remember no one has control over your life but YOU. Make the best of it.

Be content but always strive for more.

Don't be complacent or think you know it all, you always have something to learn.

When you are upset by someone - put yourself in their shoes, try to see their perspective - This will give you the much needed outside view.

Don't wish away any moment, you will never get it back.

Keep it simple, and always remember "Life will go on" regardless of the circumstance.

SMILE no matter what, it makes a difference.