the one about loosing everything. ..... all over again. ...

Ranee died on July 10th if this year.... I feel like I want to die too.... my heart aches..... it's as though I lost him too. ... all over again. .. it was as though I fell in love with him all over again then lost him. ... ALL OVER AGAIN. ... I don't feel like explaining at the moment. ... but I can honestly say I have never felt this much pain in my entire life. ... I thought I had. ... I thought I had. ...

Some of my favorite quotes...

Nothing angers mean spirited people more then being Happy... Sooo forget about their anger and cruelty, it's not your problem (you got your own problems, lol)... be Happy ... <3 -Me

Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you.
-Loretta Young

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.
-Tom Robbins

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.
-A. A. Milne  

"By the time we make ends meat, someone moves the ends"...
...the one you love will think the sun shines out your ass... (Juno)

... We've gone too far... (Harold and Kumar go to Whitecastle)

I can't tolerate intolerance!
I'm not open to close minded people (stolen from Christian Locatell)

 You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it.  But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.  People forget.  ~Author unknown, attributed to an 8-year-old named Jessica

At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.
-Plato 

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.  ~Author Unknown

 You know when you have found your prince because you not only have a smile on your face but in your heart as well.  ~Author Unknown

Come live in my heart and pay no rent.  ~Samuel Lover
Romance is dead - it was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.  ~Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I.  ~Michel de Montaigne

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.  ~Javan

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.  ~Nora Ephron, When Harry Met Sally

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.  ~Jonathan Carroll, "Outside the Dog Museum"

An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.-
Buddha

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.
-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.
-Joseph Roux

Always write angry letters to your enemies. Never mail them.
-James Fallows

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
-Buddha

Three Christmas's

Hello JD


Havent been here in a lil while. It's Christmas today. :D Had a good day. Yesterday me and Charlie went to my Aunt's house for diner. It's our Christmas tradition. We all go to my aunts house for dinner then we open presents. We use to wait until midnight to open gifts, but over the years it's gotten earlier and earlier in the evening. Charlie met my aunts, uncles and cousins (not ALL of them-SOME- but the ones I see the most during the year) for the first time. He met my aunt Josefina and her husband Sergio and their munchkin Ricky; and my aunt Tina and her husband Pedro and their munchkin Leslie. My brother Chris came with his girlfriend Favi and Yaneth came with her Ex-boyfriend Chris... Nestor and Jorge remain unattached... lol. It was fun. My cousin Ricky got a new dog, lol, his name is Charlie. Charlie hears the word NO alot. . . the Dog too. LOL. He was definitely not friendly to my baby Marley. . . He's not friendly and their other dog Mateo is TOO friendly ;) ;) lol Poor Marley! 

I got clothes, makeup, a mirror, a watch and some perfume from my family. I got Charlie the Star Wars DVD set in Blue Ray. When we left, Charlie made me open his presents to me (I'll talk about them later). I got the kids board games. I got Favi and Chris a gift set- bottle of Hypnotiq with ice bucket and glasses. I got Jorge the first season of 30 Rock. I got Nestor a gift card to Subway (He has an endless pit for a stomach) and I bought my aunts cooking stuff and my mom cookware. Oh I almost forgot, my mom got Charlie a towel. lol. (as long as I can remember we always would get things we NEEDED on Christmas and not so much what we wanted.) Jorge has been the only kid that's gotten everything he WANTED for Christmas.

Today we went to CHarlie's mom's for dinner and presents too. We we're all completely surprised that Casey's mom let him go with his dad today. Charlie still hadnt heard anything from her so he just dropped by at her mom's to pick him up. He said it was less painful then he thought it would be. I was very glad. They havent seen each other in a loooong time. :(  I got him a Nerf gun and a Star Wars Encyclopedia and his grandma got him a bunch of stuff he enjoyed too. Me and Charlie got his mom a bread maker. Charlies mom spoiled me rotten :) It was lots of fun. . . 

Our day wasnt over though. Ericka called and invited all of us to Sandra's for dinner. We played UNO and had a lovely dinner. I wish we could of stayed longer but Charlie had his gift exchange with his room mates today at 9. . . I, as you know, was not invited. Ericka gave me a very pretty necklace that reads "Best Friends, Now and Forever" <3 The card I got Ericka made her tear up, and then she made me tear up so I had to stop looking at her. LOL. We cant watch a sad movie together without us crying or making the other get sympathy tears. LOL. We also got her a piggy bank shaped like a shoe that said, "Savings for SHoes" and we plan to take her to Anime Con this coming up year, none of us have ever been, should be fun!
Anywhooo... MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!! 

Little reminders...

I heart Charlie.
1. He makes me laugh.
2. He listens to me.
3. He thinks about our future.
4. He's handsome ;)
5. He love's me.
6. He tells me things I never knew before.
7. He puts up with my past baggage.
8. He stands up for me.
9. He holds my hand.
10. He tells me/shows me he loves me everyday.
... just to name a few... <3
I started this list a lil while ago but couldnt finish it... Now that I'm on a small break from school I can...
Charlie showed me something today... I swear, he's even more impatient then me! Lol. It made me smile... and think about the future. OUR future.
It's a good day. :)

I Love Him...

I heart Charlie.
1. He makes me laugh.
2. He listens to me.
3. He thinks about our future.
4. He's handsome ;)
5. He love's me.
6. He tells me things I never knew before.
7. He puts up with my past baggage.
8. He stands up for me.
9. He holds my hand.
10. He tells me/shows me he loves me everyday.
... just to name a few... <3

My Marley

My baby Marley sunbathing herself. Marley has always been my little ray of sunshine. I smother her with love and she returns it two fold. I got her about four years ago from an old co worker of mine. Unfortunately he couldn't keep her so one day when I dragged my butt to work at 2 am (I worked as a newspaper delivery girl -lol) I saw the shyest, cutest puppy I've ever seen and fell in Love, <3 and he asked me if I wanted to keep her. He lived in a trailer park and didn't have enough time or room for her. At the time we lived in our newly mortgaged home and had plenty of room :) so we kept her. We all ready had a dog house there from the previous owners, needless to say she did not sleep in it. She would scratch at the door and cry until I let her in. I guess I shouldn't have let her sleep with me the first few days. lol.
Her first 80 dollar haircut! She was free but not. It cost a butt-load of money to have a pet... just like children, lol.

...but look how cuute she looks! Awwwe! lol
I remember thinking she's mine. Mine. I gave her all the pent up love I had inside me and she loved me back, no questions asked. She looks at me and see's the most fascinating person in the world. She greets me, like I'm the one person she's been waiting for all her life, to see. She is content just to lay next to me and keep me company. She kisses me and hugs me just because. She's always there when I need a furry shoulder to cry on. She makes me laugh. She is my best four legged friend. I absolutely LOVE my dog...

I just wish I could offer her better. We live in a crowded apartment building now. There's never enough money, so forget the 80 dollar haircuts. I think she's happy, but I think she could be happier... I think we both can be. Sigh* I'm working on it baby... I just need to finish school. It's been kicking my butt this last week. Mostly because of my schedule change. I've worked a few 8 hour shifts along with my school days. I haven't had 8 hour days since I got hired. I usually work 4 hour days, no longer then 6. My body is pretty tired, I think I definitely don't make enough to be beating up my body at work. Lifting, pulling, pushing... most of the times I work alone and am expected to finish the work of three! I hate when companies expect miracles from a worker just because they don't wanna give more hours to their employees. Hellooo! you're not the only ones cutting corners, we gotta eat and live too! I think you're big wig owners can do without their Hampton home and five other cars, so we can survive and buy our bare necessities, don't you think??

Isn't she adorable??? Yeees, I can brag and show off pictures... she's my child remember? :P
:( I cant even afford to take her to the vet. I don't know how I'm gonna do it but I hope I can figure something out. I found a lump on her butt, I hope it's nothing serious and I hope I can negotiate a payment plan with the vet. They helped me out last time. I hate thinking about the last time she was at the vet. . . She was in bad shape, after some inconsiderate bastard ran her over and left her to die. Luckily for her and me, a nice family found her and called me.
Marley a few days before her accident:

 

Marley after her accident :

Four staples, three broken ribs and her organs were literally shifted from the impact of the car. I had left her with my family that weekend, I went to Vegas. I came back and to my dismay I did not have my Marley greet me as she always does. I was only a little worried... then I called mu mom and brothers (no one was home) to ask if she was with them. No one answered... I got a little more worried. I called again until I finally reached someone... they didn't know where she was. I remember the door to the patio was left open and that's when I started to REALLY worry. I went around the complex calling her name. I was hoping she would hear me and bark. The worst thing going through my mind was perhaps a neighbor found her and decided to keep her instead of calling me. It's happened two times before, She's awful pretty, I'd want her too if I found her. Nothing. I was near tears. Then the call came...

The family found her between two lanes still on the street. If it wasn't for her long wavy hair they wouldn't have seen her, she's that small. They told us at first they thought she was a trash bag. I don't doubt she could barely walk so I guess the middle lane was the safest place she could go to. I remember they said they called the cops for help (they wont do anything-she's just a dog- property- they told them to call me) we met them at a nearby park, apparently she got hit not too far from where we lived. By this time I was in tears. My poor baby. They said she was pretty bad, they tried to get her to drink some water, she just lay there. When I finally saw her, I cried harder. She could barley lift her head up... my sunshine was dying. Yan rushed us to the nearest 24 hour vet hospital from there. I wish I still had the number of the family that found her, my dumb phone erased all my numbers. I would thank them properly not between hacking sobs. lol.
Marley today:

I remember handing her over and filling out a bunch of papers. They wanted to make sure I had monies, of course. It was late and the doctor said things didn't look good.. but he would do his best. He brought me and Yan in to say goodbye and give her our reassurances. I'm sure my bawling, wet kisses did not reassure her...lol... I guess she figured she should fight to stay with me... I was falling apart. My little miracle. She's a tough little gal. She survived the night but needed around the clock care for the next few days at a regular vet's office. I remember I posted on FB if anyone knew of a good vet. Stacey came to my rescue. I absolutely adore this woman. I have never met anyone like her. Goes to show me that there's still people in this world who are willing to lend a hand, not expecting anything in return.

I took this pic of her. I was one of her regulars at the 35er. Yup, she was my bartender. Me and my friends would go drink and dance at her bar. I was surprised how concerned she was. I remember her sending me her number right away so I could talk to her. Out of everyone I expected to hear from and show concern , she was definitely not on the list. She even offered to come with me to the vet as soon as I picked Marley up from the emergency vet. So we went to the vets and they took her in. The nurse at the 24 hour place was so nice, she gave me liquids for an IV to give to the new Doc, she said it would save me some money. I almost forgot about that. I'm glad I got paid that Friday... and I had spent my entire check and then some on Marley's urgent care. I was flat broke when I entered the new vets office, but luckily for me, they set up a care credit for me... all I had to do was put down at least 20 bucks...unfortunately, I didn't even have that. . . Stacey handed over her credit card. My face was all ready swollen from crying most of the night and I'm certain- despite using up what I thought was a years supply of tears- I cried again from the gesture. I wish I knew more people like her. <3

Marley stayed in there care for an additional 3 days. I came to visit her. My mom, Yan and Stephens came during those three days too. Sigh*

I gotta go... I've opened up a can of worms and I should get SOME sleep too...
Remind me to tell you the rest of this story later... Sweet Dreams

A friendship that Almost Never Was... the beginning...

Cant sleep. . . Breaking Bad is getting really good. I'm almost on the last episode of the first season. Tsk. Tsk. I should be studying for my first aid/CPR class. I have a quiz on Monday on the first 5 chapters.
Yet here I am procrastinating AGAIN. 

Thinking about Charlie. How lucky I am for having someone that Loves me. Someone that looks at me like I'm the greatest thing that ever happened to him in a long, looong time. I feel the same way... I felt like that when we first started talking, without even knowing it... I would look forward to his IM's on Facebook, more and more as our Facebook friendship grew. Perhaps because he was my only tie left to the outside world. A last little piece of happiness that still cared enough to make me smile...

We talked about nothing. Random things, silly things, life... Cant remember everything we talked about, too bad Facebook didnt archive that far back. Only recently have they started archiving not only emails sent but chats as well. Cyber chatting is the new talking, the new telephone, the new getting to know someone...
I rember talking to him about this later on. Talking on facebook takes away all the insecurities one has. It allows you (or at least it did to Me) to be more expresive. To showcase my personality with out the fear of actually being in the same room with someone. Ive always had this insecurity when talking to people I hardly know. Or for any new person Im meeting. So to say the least, my first impressions have never been that great on people I first meet.

Take CF first impression of me, he said he thought I was a Bi-atch. lol Not very friendly, I think. Perhaps I'll ask him again to elaborate. Once he got to know me he said he liked me.. i think lol, Im pretty sure lol. :) Its not the first time people have told me I've been less then utterly friendly. Its not that Im not, its just that I am THAT shy when first meeting people, so some people interprete that as being cold. I am anything but cold. Sometimes I wish I was..

I think he got to see pieces of me few ever get to see or notice for that matter. He got to talk to funny, witty, smart and open Liz. The complete Liz. .. he made it easy though.
I remember me and Charlie talked about this in length after seeing this documentary about this guy who befriends a little girl on the www and all her close family members and friends, only to find out they were all ONE person. She talks about how they were all a part of her and that the cyber world helped her be who she really was inside, because in the real world it want so easy... and looking at her I very much doubt he would of talked to her in passing let alone fall in love with her, which is what he felt like was happening. He was falling for a girl he had never even set eyes on, just merely talked to online.

Anyways , we talked about how some of the things she was saying was exactly what I started thinking about and feeling at the moment.  I was her, except instead of breaking up all of me into different characters I was just one character : ME.
I mentioned earlier that we talked about nothing and everything... but one thing that did cross my mind- but didn't really worry about it (until I had to- brings us back to my don't rock the boat mentality and non-confrontational Liz)- about what we should talk about, was that he was one of my then friends Ex's. Du du dum! Que in dramatic music for the telenovela!

It crossed my mind that perhaps I should tell her that we were chatting here n there but instead I asked him if he had mentioned it instead. (seeee non-confrontational Liz- lol - I didnt want to assume she was the jealous ex type, nor the she's the jealous friend type- "my friend!") He said he had, which was good enough for me, at the time-and later on when me and my then friend had "The Talk" I asked her if it was true, she said it was, he haaad mentioned it. . .

...another thought that crossed my mind was that perhaps I should ask her if it was ok to chat with him... but I dismissed that seeing as we were just chatting...and her knowing and not talking to me about it- in my mind- vetoed the jealous anything type... ..after all we were JUST FB friends. . . and in the FB world that hardly counts as "friend". .  I never dreamed he could actually like like me...as my childhood friends and me would put it when talking about boys... So everything was peachy keen! I heard things were great between them from her and he never talked badly about their current relationship in a negative way either.. all though It never really hit me that he hardly ever talked about her, unless I brought her up or if it involved the "baby" (he's five now). "peachy keen" Pfft! Little did I know! lol
Anywhoo... Its getting late. It's definitely waaay past this gals bedtime.

Bleeding Love

Today at school while listening to Pandora (and trying to Jog) this song came on... I've heard it before and It was one of the most played songs on my old Ipod... and It made me relive how it felt to have an internal as well as external struggle on starting to feel Love for someone that I "wasn't suppose to have any feelings for" Let alone LOVE!!!

 I have probably a thousand songs that remind of certain memories and people and since I haven't written in a while I figured I'd write about this lovely and heart wrenching song today. :) 

I've said this countless of times (first time on here) I LOOOOVE MUSIC!!! It heals my heart and soul. Even the sad songs that bring up old memories make me smile (now, lol, not when I was sad at the time) When ever I've been sad in certain periods of my life I can always reference certain songs or artists to that period in time. Music is definitely a healing power. Anywhooo Im rambling... with this last thought on to the song!

BLEEDING LOVE

by Leona Lewis

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater than the risk that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding

Too tired and sore, plus I have school tomorrow morning, otherwise I could tell you exactly how every lyric pertains to the soap opera I call my then and now Love-Life. . .

Cant sleep....

There's too much to think about. School. Money. Work. The Boyfriend. The Friends. The Family. LIFE. I wish I had some kind of magic tape recorder that could record my thoughts and ideas so I can read them out loud later on in the day when I can think and reflect what it is I'm trying to figure out.
but then again...

Sooo lets write about my day... Today I went to work, stayed a few extra hours, mostly because I need the extra money, otherwise I wouldn't have stayed. I don't like my job very much, sad but true. There's just way too much time for me to think there. lol. What I do takes very little brain power and so It likes to think and wander while I work. After work I played racquetball for the very first time. It was rather fun, reminded me of my tennis days. I didn't try to hard to win though, mostly because I was still a little sore from school. I ran a mile in about 12 minutes on Thursday. I was going to half jog, half walk but I remember my little love bird told me to push myself, sooo I went for trying to jog the entire 12 minutes, and I did it! Except a day later I felt incredibly sore. My body is definitely out of shape. I've gained 8 almost 9 lbs in the last couple of months. "this Happy weight is making me depressed..." -something I said to a friend. So I'm hoping this class helps me loose a few of those pounds I picked up.

Afterwards we went to The Hat and had a bag of fries and hamburgers. Yeees, I felt guilty. My eating habits definitely don't help my goal, but Its hard to go from junk food to healthy food! Junk food taste sooo good!!

Friday
We went to Lucky Baldwins this last Friday. Charlie wanted to have a small celebration, on a count that I finished my first week of school. I told him It wasn't that hard, we basically just read the syllabus and leave early in every class the first week of school, but he said that doing school and work isn't an easy thing to do sooo We Celebrate!... with beer... lol... and food of course. I thought I was going to see a few old friends but sadly i did not. However I still had a lovely dinner with my love. We went to an old hang out of mine, from back in my "party all the time" phase. A little dive bar called the Colorado. I was surprised that the bouncer remembered my face... lol. I was a regular though. We picked a few songs to hear outta the jukebox, our picks were the very last to be played, but at least we got to hear them. It was fun, despite the serious talk we had about certain things in our lives. I wish I could say the hours after that were fun too but we had a small tiff. I blame my inability to regulate my emotions... that and the alcohol didn't help. It's very frustrating for me...

So I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for him... My books say It's not my fault that I cant regulate my feelings normally. After all I was never thought that when I was little. We didn't talk about our feelings or emotions. So saying a simple thing as " You hurt my feelings when..." "I'm mad at you because..." ... "I'm sad because..." etc. etc.  is still very foreign to me. Our actions always expressed our feelings. If I was mad, I wouldn't speak to you, I would stay away and avoid you. If I was sad, I'd hide it and dwell upon it later. If I was hurt, I'd make excuses for those who hurt me... hmmm ... to much to write and think about when it comes to that... anyways.... Eventually I got around to telling him what was bothering me and we basically kissed and made-up.

This is one of my favorite quotes... I have ALOT of favorites.
I'm glad Charlie is patient with me. VERY patient, but sometimes I think he just doesn't quite understand why its sooo difficult for me ... but it is. I always know what i want to say, I just cant bring myself to actually say it. I'm working on it thought... I know its gonna take sometime...

...its getting late.

Dreams of tomorrow...

Sooo a lot has happened... some bad, some good. I suppose I wanna write about the good first. . . Even though nothing's perfect, I am rather happy... content... delighted. I am in Love. I am in love with an amazing man who Loves me in return. Who loves me and all my craziness, all my imperfections, he loves ME. Our love is fairly new, yet it feels unlike any other. It almost didn't happen. Believe me, everyone including myself fought against it... and like him, I've never been much of a romantic- the whole "it was meant to be" thing. I am a rational, cautious girl, always have been... but with him the phrase "there's a reason why it didn't work out with anybody else" comes to mind. Cheesy, huh? lol And to think I almost gave it all up...

I've never liked drama. I've avoided drama and needless fights like the plague. . . and the story to how we became to be... lol... well its drama-filled! If it wasn't my life, I would of been rather intrigued to hear each and every new Days of Our Lives episode. . . and that's how it felt like. It felt like my life had become one of those day time TV shows, filled with drama, intrigue, scandal and betrayal! Except I couldn't call my agent and ask him for the next days script...and booooy! Did I wanna know what was next in store for Lizzie....but that's another story.

Me and my love went to Lucky Baldwin's Belgium beer festival Friday night  and had ourselves a good time. I drank "Hair of a Dog" and Scaldis both above 10% alcohol content. Eeep! lol I got the glass combo and he got the glass and T-shirt combo. Very girly glassed this year. I love it! We also went to old town because that lucky's ran out of the type of shirt he wanted, and we needed food. We ate at my favorite restaurant, Wokano's... and he asked me if I would Marry him. Just like that. I didn't take him seriously because he's mentioned marriage before  and I'm a very skeptical girl. I wont accept a proposal unless I have a ring ... and a "will you marry me" speech wont hurt either. I'm not a very materialistic girl, and he knows this, I told him I'd settle for a cracker box ring... but I gotta have that symbol. Its important to me. I think every girl has dreamed of being asked to Marry at least once... I want it to be special and above all else real. That will make it real. . . lol he also said our engagement will be 2 years, enough time to get settled... because of recent shinanigan's things are anything BUT settled. lol  Anyhow, I just wanted to write about my non-proposal day.. or should I call it my pre-proposal day.