Gossip : Her Truth, His Truth and THEE TRUTH!...

... I don't wish to hurt or point fingers.. I just want my story told... MY side to have a voice. It seems lately (in the beginning as well) that everyone just hears ONE side and automatically assumes its the ENTIRE truth.
Yeah, go ahead and assume. After all what do I care what people I don't even know, or ever met, think about me, those I do know are another story...

Oh... wait... People I DO KNOW are hearing things... bad things about me. Deep down, I think I expected it to happen, but never imagined it would... because I still had that last shred of hope that perhaps I was being paranoid... Like I feel now... That I wasn't in high school and I was being silly. Needless to say my gut feelings were right back then... Lets see how they are now... Perhaps I'm wrong this time...

I would like to say I did seek counsel among mutual friends, in the hopes for advice on what to do, how to proceed... after the initial "TALK" I was freaking lost!.. and seeing as they knew the both of us, what could it hurt! Like I said before I value my friends ALOT , what they say I take to heart. They're opinion means alot.. better then family even (sad but true) because they feel...felt like my family... I had given up on my families opinion of me awhile ago... (on a side note- this changed my outlook on family as well- there wasn't one aspect of my life not involved in this somehow towards the middle or the end of all this!)
So I asked for advice. I felt deep down even though she said we we're fine, we actually weren't... a month had gone by and I wanted to see how she was but my calls, emails, and texts remained unanswered... and when I started reading FB gossip among our mutual friends I REALLY started to feel things were anything but "OK"... I remember asking Farmer about it online. He said it was a good idea to try to touch base again.

...After all gossip is just that, and I wanted more then just rumors ... I wanted the facts... anyhow-side tracked... but I never told anyone my story out of malicious thoughts towards her or in hopes of taking away any friends we shared, or even share now and I said as much to them. ... Even though I could have... to some I had every right to be just as mad at HER, for doing what SHE did... I however perhaps am too forgiving or empathetic... Our stories where the same but different... I had thought about getting to know a man she once loved, further, and she wanted to get to know a man I once had feelings for, further-which she did- (very complicating when feelings start to get involved- and everyone had feelings going every which way- lol)... I thought at one point I could fall in love with Jerry, but the difference was, I DIDN"T fall in love with him... and there was no proof of that possible love ... That and I never had Jerry's baby either... Yeah. ahem* Que in Days of our Lives music!! DU DU DUM!!!  They had proof... Breathing, living, proof of that love... Proof too binding (to me). Just another reason why it was a bad idea, too. One thing I learned about people when working with kids and money: People can get craaazy with their kids and money... Sooo tread safely. 

Sorry, Side tracked AGAIN...back to mutual friends and acquaintances...
In fact she's the one who deleted them, with not even as much as a goodbye. . . I dont know why, I can only assume- perhaps she thought they were closer to me, perhaps she thought they'd judge her?? ...Like I said , no clue why... she even re-friended one of them after she un-friended... even more baffling to me...

Anywhoo, I'm hoping I'm being paranoid again now, because a mutual friend we share ... shared... is no longer on my friends list... LOL sounds silly huh... I'm thinking perhaps she closed it down for the same reason she did last time... and I tell myself, like I did back then when these paranoid feelings came to mind " dont assume, Liz... find out from the source" ...

Which is Why I write: If you want to know my story here it is. Or simply ask me. Don't presume to think you know me and what happened... especially if you only hear one side of the tale. You have no idea what I've been through. I don't judge you so please don't judge me. This I say to my friends, family acquaintances and anyone else who gives a shiit... lol sorry this just brings back feeling of what I felt when I heard people talking about me. So-called friends who didn't so much as even bother to ask me what happened. Needless to say I deleted them. I don't need nor want "friends" like that.

Thanks.
oookay, now i reaally gotta get to bed... clip art later. SIGH*

Whats the Matter!! : MONEY!!!

It's the weekend and I got out of my Music for young children class, not too long ago. . . and since I have time to spare I wanted to write. Write about what? you ask... There's so many thoughts going through my head at the moment.

WORK, which = MONEY
...and I'm definitely not making enough. I have too little hours and no real interest in moving up in the company. I have been thinking about switching to another part of the store and getting out of Backroom. Have I mentioned I work at Target?? Oops. ... Well that's where I work. Most of the time I work by myself, unless you count "the Ghost" that works back there too. It gets eerily quite back there sometimes and at first I rather enjoyed the quiet. No yelling, screaming, nagging, accusing, belittling, etc. etc. noises of the day... just complete and total silence. Unfortunately I didn't realize how loud my own thoughts were.

1. I was getting more and more depressed about life.
2. My friends
3. My family
4. My future

I was thinking about how I was gradually getting more and more melancholy. Mostly because I was missing the things I did when I had transportation. Visiting my friends, going out, getting away from my house... pretty much everything. At the time I was relying on Jordan for escape. He sufficed for what I needed at the time, and Im sure I was the same to him. He wasn't a great guy but he wasn't a bad one either.  I was grateful for the company even though I knew he was a temporary fix of happiness.
How did I lose my car you ask?
  I had lost my car because I couldn't make the payments in time. Sooo Rodolfo took it back- he's my father but I don't really call him that- The definition of that word does not describe him- at least not to me, I'm sure his other children call him Dad, and in every sense of the word it may describes him perfectly... to them...

-anyways that's another story...sooo  I had money issues and It was getting harder and harder for me to make the payments, a lot of the times they were late.. well, not late on the bill but late for me... You see they linked his credit card to the payment account they set up so If I didn't pay in time It came out of the CC... then I would pay his CC account. Sounds complicating?? ...Well, Its true what Ricky Ricardo said "Nunca aga negocio's con parientes ni amigos!" That means never do business with family or friends. Needless to say that caused a little drama but that's also another story as well...

... I wasn't too troubled about loosing the car, I had known it was only a matter of time... a matter of time until I'd be too late in paying and people would get mad. I wasn't sure If he would get mad, seeing as I had little to no knowledge of what he's like, so I wasn't too worried about him. Who I worried about , and their reaction , was of course my mother. She's gonna blow her top! she's gonna scream and yell at you, perhaps even smack you... Not hard enough to really hurt for long, of course... after all she wasn't like those parents and guardians you hear on the news or papers that beat the living daylights out of their kids. She is a part of a good percent of the human population that uses what our society calls "corporal punishment". This form of punishment, was at a time, even condoned at schools. A punishment I hope never to use, if I'm lucky enough to have children one day that is.

 She however rarely uses that type of punishment anymore, we are rather too old for that to be all that menacing.... as a child the fear of getting hit was far worse then the actual hitting. She likes to use her words mostly, now. Piercing, hateful words when she's really angry..Words that very much so contributed to my downward mood and feelings of isolation... It wasn't until this time that I truly realized how incredibly isolated I was... but that too is another story...

Where was I??? I've done it again...lol... off track. What was I talking about??? aaah, yeeees, MONEY and TRANSPORTATION soooo I had been using my brothers car. It worked out nicely, because he needed someone to makes the payments... and I needed a cheap car... and since his car payment was dramatically less then what I was paying a month I took it up in order for him not to lose the car. Perfect! So I had a ride for a little while longer...  but then he got a job and then moved out and he took the car I finished paying for with him... and that my friends is the sad little story on how I lost my car and my rent-a-car.

Oh how I wish I made enough to be able to save up for a car!
I wish I had money period! Everything costs money! Food, clothes, books, cars... the list is endless.

However, I am looking into a volunteer position that might lead to a better paying job. Its an after school program but the only thing I'm missing at the moment is a TB test. The last one I took was over 2 1/2 yrs ago. I definitely need to get on that.
Oooh you are such a PROCRASTINATOR!!!... and You get off topic easily!

GTG. <3