So many things on my mind....

I haven't had time to write lately, I can't even remember the last time I did. . . where to begin? Should I talk about our recent drama with the ex? The coinsidence that doesn't seem like just a coinsidence? The things that cameout of that. . . or should i talk about the frightening eighteen hours in the hospital and all the worries that came after? ... Not all bad though, we had a get together  for Charlie's birthday... and I got to see an old friend...

SAD. . .

Feeling rather drained. Feeling rather talked out. Feeling like taking a break from words to just FEEL and REFLECT because I'm Feeling....

 Wish I could just fall asleep... When I'm asleep I don't feel ANYTHING.

Facebook Correspondence... The one about saying Goodbye.

• • Ive been thinking about what you and what you said to me last....
    You said you wanted to talk among other things on that last text you sent me... theres a few things i wanna ask... say... etc..i dont wanna make assumptions.. and if there is still somethings you wanna ask me too then give me a call. preferably tomorrow after 12 before 5... or perhaps this weekend , i work but im off by 6 pm.... ive been busy with school and work and life in general soo my schedule is crazy... if you dont wanna talk anymore then ok... we'll leave things as is...
    Take care. Liz
• 

  March 3

  Jerry

  • Liz I would love to talk to you. It really made me sad when you didn't want to talk to me anymore. I felt like a lot has changed and we are meant to be talking. Your a good person. I miss you. Ill try and call you tomorrow between 12 and 5. Life is def crazy right now.
    The only thing that bothers me if we talk is that I promised your sister that I would not try to contact you. Is there anyway, to be fair, that we can get permission from your sister. I might be an Asshole but I have changed whether anyone believes it. Let me know. Ill try to call you tomorrow. Bed time now. Just barely finished doing work for the day. Ugghhh.
    
     So we met soon after at Denny's. We talked for a few hours... small talk and serious. I remember not telling anyone I was going to go see him... talk to him. I knew what people would say " Are you NUTS! After what he did?!" ... and I was right. Charlie was angry and I'm pretty sure Yan thought I was crazy when I told her about it... but I felt Great. I felt good because I told him what he did... to hurt me, to loose my friendship... I told him WHY I was mad. I had never told anyone my negative feelings towards them. I had never told anyone "IM ANGRY AT YOU BECAUSE ____________" "You hurt me because_________" ....It felt cathartic.
    ... afterwards I no longer thought I was making assumptions... I KNEW for certain that everything he said not only sounded like lies but WERE lies- how? Well thats the main reason I wanted to speak face to face- he said it himself- it was written on his face... and all though I said I'd try to rebuild our friendship, after that talk, I knew that was impossible. Perhaps If he had admitted the TRUTH to me, perhaps then I would of been able to TRY ... everything he said was an excuse... pretty words... they meant nothing anymore.
• 
  
• 

  May 31

  Lizbeth Sanchez

  • I would of responded earlier but Ive been busy...
    Sorry Jerry. I thought about it and I cant be your friend... for quite a few reasons. I actually wrote them down but i feel its pointless to tell you. I dont think you care. i Cant help what i think now... things happen. People change. My opinion of you has changed and I hear trust can be regained but Im just too dam busy with a number of things to give it a go at being friends with you again.... Simple fact: I trusted you, now I dont. im too busy trying to fix myself to worry about you. And i have worried about you. and not only you everyone involved. .... but now im ready to worry about me. Im content with the fact that I did everything in MY power to be a good friend to all three of you and Ive come to the terms that I cant control other peoples actions, reactions, or beliefs.
    I wish you the happiness Ive come to find because of this bittersweet chapter in my life. Im learning alot about myself and working on my issues.
    Take care.
• 

  May 31

  Jerry W

  • Good for you. I might have somehow made a facial expression when lying. Sorry to break your trust with that. I care about you.. take care. Good luck to you. Thugs are going great for me. Haven't had a drink in over a month now. Before that barely any. Got a job. Have a car. Hope just as much good is coming your way
• 

  June 2

  Lizbeth Sanchez

  • Why is it that every word you say sounds wrong... unbelievable, and makes me have a renewed feeling of anger towards you after hearing them?... You're sorry that you broke my trust with that lying expression??! ... i guess i should be somewhat happy for you that you're finally admitting you lied and are taking responsibility for your facial expressions... You care about me??? Then why would you ever even IMPLY such a thing?! I guess i dont blame her for not believing me, i blame you. i blame you that i lost a friend. I learn from my mistakes. I wasnt about to jeopardize my friendship with Amanda. And i know i will never truly know what THE truth is. I told you before its interesting how 2 people can have different sides to a story, you and amanda's story differed slightly over who's idea it was to go out. Truth is you both wanted to, just like you and me, doesnt matter that you pursued me rather relentlessly (i think) and that i was on the rebound from a 4 year relationship and that some asshole neighbor of mine violated me not too long ago, all that doesn't matter. We're all adults here, we made a choice. Found out, it wasn't a good one... one try for me two for you.... maybe more, i don't know... doesn't matter... i thought you cared about me... even a little but know im not sure you EVER did... i can say i truly did when we were "together"... i gave you a second chance because you only burned me once... it didn't work out but we had good times, i thought... I'd be rather stupid if i gave you a third chance now... there's no such thing as third chances... People you care about, you usually would trust and want whats best for them... wouldn't imply things about them... I never lied or implied... you even thought i lied back then, now im thinking it's probably because you lied...and in this situation you thought i lied again...you said i kept something from you...which is true, the fact that he showed interest in me as more then just a friend... but i never lied...you didnt NEED to know that... now Im really glad i didnt tell you, who knows what you would have done with that peice of info... so dont tell me you care about me ...or amanda or charlie for that matter... who implies to a friend that they think that their other friend slept with the father of their child? who (and you told me this too) tells a friend that you 'think' that same father wants to get back together with them, without even knowing that for a fact and now that i think of it i cant help but think that hearing that was probably for my "benefit", and who brings a friend right smack in the middle of drama between their ex and a mutual friend? ... anyways this is stupid this is all in the past... i guess maybe i should of sent that list... there's still a few reasons why its impossible for you and me to be friends... you blamed amanda for me not talking to you... that was silly...you only had you to blame for me not talking to you... and you only have you to blame for me not being your friend now... sigh* ok , sorry about that... moving on.
    Glad things are going well for you... I really do hope more good things come to you and i said this before (not to you) and i can say it again now, to you, and i can probably say it because i got some more things off my chest, again sorry about that, theres no point in telling a person what you think they did wrong... they either know or dont...i admitted to what i thought i did wrong.. but i guess as people , we just want others to admit what we cant help but believe...sigh* anyways, im not angry at you anymore, i feel bad for you...i hope someday you'll find a girl that you will trust.... completely. Looks like you have trust issues too. . . And here's 2 more cents... dont forget everyone has a past , something they arent proud of, so do you, and the person you fall in love with and completely trust , wont care about that past...hopefully you wont care about hers either...
    Take Care and Goodluck.
• 

  June 2

  Lizbeth Sanchez

  • typo* story differed about who's idea it was to ask "permission" i meant. lol.... that sounds sooo silly now... like i said we're all adults... we do what we want, its called choices... you would of gone through with what you wanted even if i had objected... you both were friends and had preconceived ideas about the other... im sure we all appreciate learning things on our own and not just taking another persons word for it...

The Frienship Blues

My last entree got me a wee bit emotional... Reminiscing about the past just brings back happy memories (things turned out ok) but also sad memories of today. I was reminded of Chris S. Remembering times he's been there for me. Like when Marley got hurt he was one of the few that helped out with her...

Poor thing had to be carried everywhere until she regained the use of her legs. I had to medicate her and keep a close eye on her for the next week or so. It took her about three days maybe four to start walking again. :) Everyone was surprised. The Vet said I had to prepare myself for the fact that she may never walk again. I looked into doggie wheel chairs that very same day. I guess Marley had other plans for her skinny legs. :)

This goes for four legged creatures too:

hmmmm... anywhoo... Last entree just reminded me of him... which caused a whole chain reaction.. which caused a simple conclusion to my all ready blues day...

I miss him. I miss hanging out with him, talking to him.... I miss HIM. He wasn't a perfect friend, but then again who is? Im definitely not... We're all human and humans are known to make mistakes and act all human like sometimes... but he was a good friend to me and he was always there when it REALLY mattered... I only wish I was a better friend to him... I'm not exactly sure why he stopped talking to me... I can only make assumptions, and you know how I hate to make assumptions!

 ... yet that's all I'm left with... again. I think the last time I spoke to him was early January of this year. He called me and I forgot to call him back. I was more then a little distracted that month... everything that was going on in the mini soap opera was getting to me and I couldn't focus on anything or anyone else. I was too busy trying to save friendships/relationships...
I very much regret that know... We all know how that turned out... I didn't know it then but I was trying to save something that was allready dead.... I just didn't know it yet... or perhaps it never really was alive to begin with...
...instead I should have been focusing on the people who wanted to talk to me and have me in their lives...

I tried calling him ... texting him ... emailing him... no response. He deleted me from Facebook... and he blocked me. I remember telling Ericka "I hate the fact that we live in a world where we can physically delete an entire friendship with just the click of a mouse!" Its that easy folks! Years worth of good times and even bad times spent together , GONE. Like we never existed. I apologized and tried to explain to him (in email, since he wouldn't return my calls) what was going on... albeit in a weird analogy ( which now that I think of was not a good idea) but I TRIED. Nothing.

 It wasn't until my talk with Charlie about Chris, did I realize how torn and sad I was inside about loosing his friendship...

I remember I had left my purse in Charlies car the last time we talked (I had to tell him the shinanigans Jerry started) and he was just going to bring it back to me put we ended up catching lunch at The Golden Dragon. I remember feeling rather chatty ( Charlie pointed that out too- As you know I am a rather quiet, shy gal) and feeling rather comfortable talking with him... i believe he asked about Chris n such because we had talked about it briefly before... so I told him a few things only Ericka at the time knew. . . and things about my friendship with Chris in general...

You see I've always had this image in my head about growing old (god-willing) and I told Charlie about it... I told him "Out of all the friends in my life, HE was one of the few I pictured, with me at the old folks home... racing our wheel chairs down the ramp." That thought would always make me laugh... this time it had an adverse affect. I could feel my throat closing... choking... I tried to hold it back. I absolutely HATE crying... It's bad enough when I cry when alone, but here I was in the middle of the day, in the middle of a restaurant, in the middle of someone I hardly knew... Starting to Cry. I remember I apologized for crying and told him I wasn't sure where that came from... Deep down I knew...

 

I'm not sure why I didn't confide in him... in anyone really. I guess I figured I could handle it on my own... I didn't want to bother them... I didn't think they'd understand... I was afraid they'd judge me... For whatever the reason... I know now he wouldn't have been bothered, or judgemental... he's always helped and been there for me in the past... why not now??? ... He's never let me go throw bad times alone.
Who was there for me when I got a letter saying I couldn't attend Fullerton because of a stupid postcard??? Who went with me to Fullerton to petition the Dean of students??? Not my boyfriend (at the time) not my mother... Chris WAS. Who went with me to visit Marley while at the vet? Who'd I spent the weekend with in San Bernardino (kitty too-lol) ??? Who'd I spent countless of work hours with?? Countless of fast food runs and conversations with??? Who would invite me over and wanna just hang out with boring little ol' MEEE??? One on one, Lizzie and Stephens time! It's easier to write this know... I teared up last night thinking about all this and more... 

It is very true- How CAN I forget someone that gave me soo many GOOD memories..
I cant...
I think  I's time to say hello to the sandman...
Sweet dreams.

Gossip : Her Truth, His Truth and THEE TRUTH!...

... I don't wish to hurt or point fingers.. I just want my story told... MY side to have a voice. It seems lately (in the beginning as well) that everyone just hears ONE side and automatically assumes its the ENTIRE truth.
Yeah, go ahead and assume. After all what do I care what people I don't even know, or ever met, think about me, those I do know are another story...

Oh... wait... People I DO KNOW are hearing things... bad things about me. Deep down, I think I expected it to happen, but never imagined it would... because I still had that last shred of hope that perhaps I was being paranoid... Like I feel now... That I wasn't in high school and I was being silly. Needless to say my gut feelings were right back then... Lets see how they are now... Perhaps I'm wrong this time...

I would like to say I did seek counsel among mutual friends, in the hopes for advice on what to do, how to proceed... after the initial "TALK" I was freaking lost!.. and seeing as they knew the both of us, what could it hurt! Like I said before I value my friends ALOT , what they say I take to heart. They're opinion means alot.. better then family even (sad but true) because they feel...felt like my family... I had given up on my families opinion of me awhile ago... (on a side note- this changed my outlook on family as well- there wasn't one aspect of my life not involved in this somehow towards the middle or the end of all this!)
So I asked for advice. I felt deep down even though she said we we're fine, we actually weren't... a month had gone by and I wanted to see how she was but my calls, emails, and texts remained unanswered... and when I started reading FB gossip among our mutual friends I REALLY started to feel things were anything but "OK"... I remember asking Farmer about it online. He said it was a good idea to try to touch base again.

...After all gossip is just that, and I wanted more then just rumors ... I wanted the facts... anyhow-side tracked... but I never told anyone my story out of malicious thoughts towards her or in hopes of taking away any friends we shared, or even share now and I said as much to them. ... Even though I could have... to some I had every right to be just as mad at HER, for doing what SHE did... I however perhaps am too forgiving or empathetic... Our stories where the same but different... I had thought about getting to know a man she once loved, further, and she wanted to get to know a man I once had feelings for, further-which she did- (very complicating when feelings start to get involved- and everyone had feelings going every which way- lol)... I thought at one point I could fall in love with Jerry, but the difference was, I DIDN"T fall in love with him... and there was no proof of that possible love ... That and I never had Jerry's baby either... Yeah. ahem* Que in Days of our Lives music!! DU DU DUM!!!  They had proof... Breathing, living, proof of that love... Proof too binding (to me). Just another reason why it was a bad idea, too. One thing I learned about people when working with kids and money: People can get craaazy with their kids and money... Sooo tread safely. 

Sorry, Side tracked AGAIN...back to mutual friends and acquaintances...
In fact she's the one who deleted them, with not even as much as a goodbye. . . I dont know why, I can only assume- perhaps she thought they were closer to me, perhaps she thought they'd judge her?? ...Like I said , no clue why... she even re-friended one of them after she un-friended... even more baffling to me...

Anywhoo, I'm hoping I'm being paranoid again now, because a mutual friend we share ... shared... is no longer on my friends list... LOL sounds silly huh... I'm thinking perhaps she closed it down for the same reason she did last time... and I tell myself, like I did back then when these paranoid feelings came to mind " dont assume, Liz... find out from the source" ...

Which is Why I write: If you want to know my story here it is. Or simply ask me. Don't presume to think you know me and what happened... especially if you only hear one side of the tale. You have no idea what I've been through. I don't judge you so please don't judge me. This I say to my friends, family acquaintances and anyone else who gives a shiit... lol sorry this just brings back feeling of what I felt when I heard people talking about me. So-called friends who didn't so much as even bother to ask me what happened. Needless to say I deleted them. I don't need nor want "friends" like that.

Thanks.
oookay, now i reaally gotta get to bed... clip art later. SIGH*

Days of our lives- or what I like to call "Days of Our Lizzie"

There were so many things going through my mind at the time all this was happening...
Thinking... thinking.. thinking... after, before, during... about what???...
My friends and how well I really knew THEM. How well they really knew ME. My childhood, who I was, why I was the way I was. What I did wrong. What others did wrong. What should have I done?? How I might of handled the situation differently? How I might fix things? Who should I talk to? Who should I NOT talk to?... and the list goes on and on...

but one thing (out of many things) I learned is: "I cant control others actions and reactions, all I can do is be honest and hope for the best" easier said then done. Especially if you would do anything NOT to hurt the people you care about and love. And believe me when I say, from the very beginning, that was the last thing I thought might happen... I never wanted to hurt any one of them. Not Char, Jerry or my close friend ( at least that's what I thought we were,"close"- but another thing I learned is "you can know someone for a long time but never REALLY know them- nor they YOU") only as me and Charlie's chattings progressed- to a first time meeting ( and that's a whole story unto itself) did I think more and more about it. . . and all the drama it might entail - have I mentioned i HATE drama... especially my drama! ( I talked to Farmer briefly about it- he called and wanted to know what was wrong <3 ) FB had clued him on my inner dilemmas. To continue the friendship or not to continue, THAT was the question...

By the end of all this I had put myself in everyone else's position. I tried putting myself in their shoes and feel what they might feel. . . and believe me , as a very pessimistic girl, not all my musings were at all joyful. I felt sadness, anger, betrayal, love, love-loss, the list goes on... I felt sick to my stomach almost everyday that I couldn't get all of this straightened out sooner. And I tried. Over and over again... but I also came to terms with the fact that "you cant make someone face a problem you want to deal with, if they're not ready to deal with it themselves!"

  Thinking about it now... I think I was afraid of finding out, if that's how she really was/ if that was how she really felt... " I didn't trust her enough not to over react... to be like a (excuse my stereotype) A Girl" ... as I mentioned in my earlier blog... but I was also taking in account my previous experiences with people.
From the friends and family I do know- at least somewhat better then her- I knew THEY wouldn't so much approve as to us just even TALKING. So I was thinking perhaps she was the same. I could hear the voices in my head. " I cant believe your talking to him!" " I dont CARE if it was on FB!" " You're breaking the girl code just by talking to him let alone being his friend!".... and then to: "what!? You hung out!???" WHAT??!!, he wants to hang out with you again?!" "Oh Hell nooo!" and soo on and so forth... So when I talked to Farmer, he had sealed it...In Farmers words: "...besides you don't want to go out with a "dead beat"

That took me by surprise-I didn't think about that... I didn't even know if he was one , at the time for all I knew he might of been one!...(piece of advice- "Don't believe everything you hear") it was what I was hearing after all, from him. . . And believe me when I say I take my friends words seriously and to heart. . .  so he had just confirmed my reservations on the whole hanging out again thing. I was gonna take his and my advice and NOT hang out again. (at the time)... after all I was also taking in account my past mistakes (whole other story-that is ,believe it or not, tied to this one)
I do want to say, even though I wasn't thinking about all the bad things I heard back then and the new things I was hearing now- What I WAS thinking about was how much I liked talking to him... how much i liked getting to know him. . . and how Incredibly sad and lonely I'd feel about not having someone take an interest and the initiative to see how I was doing, what i was up to, etc. etc.

Anywhoo back to my initial thought...Farmer said, she had said those things about him- And at the time it didn't cross my mind that Farmer would know that or hear that from anybody else but my Ex-friend.... well, who else WOULD say that, right?? ...was it recent? Was it back then???... She had never said that to me about him. She made it sound like their relationship was fine NOW... she said they were fine before AND during the "talk". Like I said Peachy Keen status. (and that started a whole other mental conversation within myself on : "why would she tell YOU differently." "Why would she say things are ok, when they weren't." -which I had a variety of conclusions to, as well) (and just so you know this timeline of thoughts is definitely scattered!)

All in all I was resigned after that talk with Farmer... After all to me it was one thing chatting and being online friends ... it's different when your REAL friends, in the REAL world.... I should know, it happened before... and ESPECIALLY if you both actually like talking with each other. lol. In my head- and others- It could ONLY lead to drama and shinanigans! Nooo thank youuu!!
but I'm not gonna lie and say it didn't cross my mind. I thought about asking her if it was ok that we hung out, if it was ok if we talked in general, if it was just OK... after all "I am only HUMAN"... I thought about it before with someone else- decided to go ahead and go for it- and then I got burned...I like to think I learn from my mistakes... sometimes..lol.
...but It was too much of a risk. . . and I, my friends, Am NOT a RISK taker. . ." I wasn't about to risk my friendship with her over the mere fact that I just enjoyed talking to him - and after we hung out- the mere fact that I enjoyed hanging out with him.
(Im such a pushover lol)

Like I said my world was kinda messed up... and all because of my damn trust issues!
Talked to my therapist about that- the whole trust issues with women-  I mean if we look at the facts and what she told me before and during the "talk" , the logical conclusion would be NO she's not like that at all. "I cant believe you were afraid of telling her"- was my reaction afterwards. I remember thinking if you just trusted her not to over react (tell her you hung out and played basketball and had decided to be friends) everything would of been ok. . .  But if you take in account her actions and words AFTER then well , lets just say it's a resounding Nooo!...

How it became Telenovela status:

Sorry Im not the best story teller, im going back and forth here- that was in the beginning... In the beginning I was afraid of asking her for "permission" to talk and hang out with him (after we all ready hung out) because of the possible horrific outcomes... her reactions - towards me, towards Charlie, so help me (Such an idiot!) even towards Jerry!... To me it was a story that was never gonna be... nothing happened so lets not rock the boat baby! lol... and like I said earlier about the in their shoes thing- I didn't want to needlessly hurt her, hurt our friendship, her relationship with Charlie, with (and again help me GOD!) even Jerry and her relationship with him. I thought (among a thousand other things) how I would feel if someone I use to Love wanted to spend time with one of my friends.(insert a vast amount of ideas here!!!)
Oops have I mentioned we all (at the time) we're mutual friends??? I think I did... Me, the ex-friend, Charlie aaand Jerry... I guess I forgot to tell you that I use to go out with Jerry... Thats important later on in this tragic story of loss, betrayal, scandal and intrigue... dont worry though it does have a bitter-sweet ending. As only few of you might now.

<3 lol oops I got side tracked!!! sooo...
...when I knew I had to...absolutely HAD to talk to her was when I found out, a mutual friend/Ex (Jerry- at least i thought he was my friend, pfft!)  "implied" that "something" happened between me and her Ex-Charlie.
Que in dramatic telenovela music!! He had not implied we were "just talking", he had not implied we had become "friends"... he had implied we had "S-E-X"... aaaand thats another story yet to be told.
I learned alot, I couldnt believe how blind I was... I never knew people could be so devious and manipulative in real life- Thats telenovela shiit!... oh naive Liz! Even in the real world people have ulterior motives for doing what they do! saying what they say and IMPLYING what they imply. You just learned this lesson the hard way. . .

LOL OH how I wish I was raised differently so I could of handled everything better... Perhaps I wouldn't have had so many panic attacks in those months...lol
...but in the END... I know In MY HEART that I did right by all of them- as best I could- I tried to fix things and I never pretended to be anything less then a friend...

Tired...  Goodnight, yall! ... and stay tuned for The Days of Our Lizzie!!! TBC...