the one about loosing everything. ..... all over again. ...

Ranee died on July 10th if this year.... I feel like I want to die too.... my heart aches..... it's as though I lost him too. ... all over again. .. it was as though I fell in love with him all over again then lost him. ... ALL OVER AGAIN. ... I don't feel like explaining at the moment. ... but I can honestly say I have never felt this much pain in my entire life. ... I thought I had. ... I thought I had. ...

Dating....

So I started dating. I've never quite got the hang of "dating". I've always been rather shy around boys. When ever they spoke to me, It was as though my mind shut off for minutes after and the English language escaped my sense of comprehension. That was mostly in elementary and middle school... I only slightly improved on my vocal skills with boys in High School, only with the help of my two best guy friends, Chris and Chris. They helped me practice. LOL
My first three boyfriends only went out with me once before I became their Girlfriend. One, I hardly ever saw, I saw more of his twin brother then him; and the other two lived hundreds of miles away from me.
I guess I'm use to having boys tell me right away what they want... so I'm finding this whole dating thing quite frustrating. Do they like me? What are they looking for? What do they want from me?...
I'm also beginning to think I get attached too easily. I meet these guys, and I enjoy spending time with them but then I no longer hear from them after the third date. Why cant they just be up front and say they no longer want to see me, or they don't think we're compatible or even hey you don't want to sleep with me so I'm going to find someone who will... etc.etc... It's rather frustrating.

I don't think I like this thing called dating... maybe I'll just say I'm looking for a few good guy friends. I've always wanted to have a best friend and fall in love with him.

Trying....

 

These last few months have been difficult and I dont see the future getting any easier but here I am TRYING. I cant say Im not trying. With a little more disipline and faith I hope things keep getting better...

Angry...

I know anger is a secondary emotion and not one I like sharing about all that much... but here I am. THinking. . .Thinking about why I've been so angry....cranky, irritable and perhaps a little mean lately. Sadly since Charlie's the only one I'm around mainly he's been taking some of that anger. Lately things he says or does just set me off in a bad mood. . . most of the time it's stupid little things I shouldn't really be upset by but there it is... Perhaps some of it is aimed at him for certain things right now- and we briefly talked about it during our last trip to Lucky Baldwins, which for some odd reason we ended up sleeping in his car the entire night, brrrr!- but I'm sure it's not all on those issues.

I need to wake up early (only two weeks left til this semester is over!) :( so I'll summarize once more and hopefully elaborate on these issues later:

1. I want to leave this house.

2. I miss my friends.

3. I want me and Charlie to have mutual friends but the way Charlie's acting it doesn't seem like that's gonna happen. - hopefully Ericka doesn't mind being the only friend that hangs out with us. lol. Sad day.

4. Charlie told me again what Maria said about me and then added what she and his ex girlfriend would do together to "bond" (drink, hang out and of course bad mouth another mutual friend- who I happen to know)- which just renews my dislike of the female species and my intense anxiety on trying to make new female friends-

5. Stressed about finals and school in general, looks like I might not be able to take any winter classes Tomorrow is finally my turn to register for the next semester but All the classes are pretty much full.

6. The future. mine. charlies. mine and charlies.

7. Something a lil more personal so I think I'll share that in my old fashioned hand written journal Charlie bought me. ( he commented on how I haven't written in it lately) I still have yet to tell anyone about this online journal. . .( all though I have a sneaking suspicion nosey-mc-nosington does know about it) hmmmm....
I gotta go ... The natives are  here.... and getting restless....
Sweet Dreams...

SAD. . .

Feeling rather drained. Feeling rather talked out. Feeling like taking a break from words to just FEEL and REFLECT because I'm Feeling....

 Wish I could just fall asleep... When I'm asleep I don't feel ANYTHING.

I stop Listening, once you start yelling...

Had  a less then happy morning... I woke up late so I missed my first class. Normally I would be Oh Well! but today was a test day. We we're getting graded on our ability to perform CPR on a dummy. There are NO makeups. I guess I wont be getting my CPR card this semester.

I teared up this morning thinking about it after I got off the phone with Charlie. Lately, my emotions have been on high. Ever since Lizzie's epiphany's of 2011, they've been on a roller coaster ride. Ups and downs, highs and lows. I think it's because I've spent most of my life reeling in my emotions. I've tried so hard and gotten use to it over the years that now I'm overflowing with old and new emotions, there's just no more room or strength left to hold anymore in. . . and now I'm more aware and willing to try to understand them... understand myself. Anyways...

So I cheered up and told myself to stop worrying/being sad about it (with the help of Julia). Its done, its over, move on... you'll get certified next semester... get more sleep, add more alarms and don't fuck it up next semester! The End. (I'm learning not to be so pessimistic and stop focusing on everything that's wrong in my life- fix what I can and move on- all though it's hard not to dwell- and beat myself up for it) I'm also learning not to be so harsh on myself... so critical. After all you got your family to continue doing that for you.

... Then, when I was starting to get ready for my next class, and I went to turn on the faucet, no water came out. I used drinking water to wash my face and brush my teeth.Oh joy. So I grabbed my purse plugged my ears with music (music helps cheer me up) and left to catch the bus. Got there and that weird guy who picks up the trash was there, I smiled (I smile at everyone) and he says something to me... I took off my head phone because I couldn't hear anything and he started to chat with me. I'm glad my phone rang, lol, It was my brother Nestor. I could hear Yan in the background yelling.

She was upset that I didn't pick up the phone. Apparently she called me while I was walking to the bus stop. She wanted to know if her phone worked. In my head "I'm sorry I wasn't available to you at your convenience, forget the fact that I couldnt hear a damn thing." She yelled some more, asked me where I was, I told her I didnt need a ride... she said some more stuff... and yelled "I'm half way back anyways" and hung up. Crap. Does that mean she forcing a ride on me? Usually I have to bribe her or sit and hear her yell for a few minutes before I get a ride. (all though lately she has been giving me rides to school- but I think it's mainly because we have 2 classes together) So I thought: Grreeeeat. Cuz that's what I need right now... someone yelling at me... (I teared up slightly- I was frustrated and angry-Pretty much any surge of emotion makes me tear up now a days- *when you're young and don't have the words to express what you feel- tears are readily available- yet like I said over the years I learned to reel those in)

A little thing about me "I stop Listening, once you start yelling" and Yelling louder doesn't help me listen any better, so you might as well save your breath and stop talking. Why do people do that... just because your upset, had a bad day, or mad because something I did or didn't do- doesn't mean I have to stand there and let you YELL at me. . .  There's other ways to vent... I can hear you just fine, If not BETTER when I'm not being yelled at... but then again I'm use to people yelling at me... at one point It was even under my job description... but I'm sure as hell not getting paid to hear you do it! So I walk away or tune you out.
Something I noticed about myself... I don't yell back ( most of the time), I do it when my buttons are pushed to the brink or I'm all ready upset and you just triggered the bomb I've been holding in the pit of my stomach. And I don't know if I refrain from yelling back (whenever I'm being yelled at) because I'm USE to it or just because I DON'T CARE anymore. Lately I have though, lol... I've yelled back, talked back... whatever young whipper snappers do when arguing with people. I am NOT a young whipper snapper. I am a grown-ass woman! ... lol... Then again, I've noticed a lot of "grown ups" act like teenagers...

I definitely flunked High school Drama 101. I was never much for causing scenes... It feels good though ... to act the way I never did before and In a way it makes people see themselves. See me yelling at you!? See me causing a scene!? See how pointless arguing this way is???! GOOD, you see yourself now?!? GREEAT!  I'll stop yelling now! ... however I guess it's a process we HAVE TO go through... to LEARN how to deal with arguments in a socially acceptable way. . . as a child I don't think I learned any way though. Avoidance. . . that's the way I learned to deal. Prevention, avoidance and resignation.

PREVENTION:
Over the years I learned. Don't rock the boat. Do what your told. Don't ask for anything. Don't talk about your feelings. Don't voice opinions , ESPECIALLY those that don't match the norm.... in fact why don't you just say as little as possible, because nothing you say is right and you WILL get yelled at, be excluded and made to feel like shiit.

AVOIDANCE:
When there is a problem: avoid it, if at all possible! Avoid having arguments and conversations that COULD lead to arguments. If someone hurt your feelings or if you're angry, upset, sad and pretty much any negative feeling you may be having about ANYTHING... Avoid them. No one wants to hear them anyways and you'll just upset people if you do. I know YOU"RE upset, but that doesn't really matter.

RESIGNATION: Give up before you even try.  Be resigned to the fact that you cant fix a problem, an argument or any other hard thing in life. Be resigned that things are the way they are, you'll never amount to anything and why try to fix things, you know you cant do it anyways, so I'm just gonna yell at you so you might as well just listen and do what I say.

*If all you do is yell at your child for making mistakes and don't allow them the opportunity/gain the skills to fix them... all you're teaching them is how to hide their problems and mistakes from you. <--- something I heard in class aand can relate to. After all who wants to go to their parents and get yelled at for an hour, made to feel even WORSE then they all ready do and then not given a CHANCE to make things right. This goes for little-big things.

*Sigh ... I feel better... I could go on but I wont... I need to get ready for work.
Happy thoughts...Happy thoughts...Happy thoughts...Happy thoughts...!!!