Old Journals...

Hello JD
Long time no write. . . Ive recently repossessed my old Jornals. The ones where I would put pen to paper. I miss writing... My life feels like it's missing something... I have the job I've always wanted. I shape young minds... I love what I do... I may not be rich but I am rich in laughs and love from these tiny humans and I cant imagine doing anything else... I've continued to volunteer for Relay for Life every year in memory of Ranee and I recently joined the Pasadena Jaycees. The Jaycees help me with my volunteer fix. Lol. Volunteering makes me feel good, which has helped me fill in some of the void... But I still feel it... That void. That emptiness... I don't know if its because I am about to have another birthday and I have yet to meet someone that makes me feel alive and special or because I feel like Im not doing enough with my life... It might be both. So far I've met men that are emotionally unavailable... I feel like I may be internally seeking them out... Lol. Do i really want to put my heart back out there? Do I want to risk the pain? A part of me does... A big part... Ive learned alot from the 3 boyfriends and 1 fiance I've had the pleasure of creating memories with... Albeit not all good... Lol... I feel hopeless... I've never been good with meeting men. It doesn't help that I work in an industry that is run mostly by women... But even then Ive always been awkward when it comes to men. I wish I had more confidence in myself. I guess thats where I have to start.... Building my confidence.
1. Build your confidence.

How do I do that?

the one about loosing everything. ..... all over again. ...

Ranee died on July 10th if this year.... I feel like I want to die too.... my heart aches..... it's as though I lost him too. ... all over again. .. it was as though I fell in love with him all over again then lost him. ... ALL OVER AGAIN. ... I don't feel like explaining at the moment. ... but I can honestly say I have never felt this much pain in my entire life. ... I thought I had. ... I thought I had. ...

Dating....

So I started dating. I've never quite got the hang of "dating". I've always been rather shy around boys. When ever they spoke to me, It was as though my mind shut off for minutes after and the English language escaped my sense of comprehension. That was mostly in elementary and middle school... I only slightly improved on my vocal skills with boys in High School, only with the help of my two best guy friends, Chris and Chris. They helped me practice. LOL
My first three boyfriends only went out with me once before I became their Girlfriend. One, I hardly ever saw, I saw more of his twin brother then him; and the other two lived hundreds of miles away from me.
I guess I'm use to having boys tell me right away what they want... so I'm finding this whole dating thing quite frustrating. Do they like me? What are they looking for? What do they want from me?...
I'm also beginning to think I get attached too easily. I meet these guys, and I enjoy spending time with them but then I no longer hear from them after the third date. Why cant they just be up front and say they no longer want to see me, or they don't think we're compatible or even hey you don't want to sleep with me so I'm going to find someone who will... etc.etc... It's rather frustrating.

I don't think I like this thing called dating... maybe I'll just say I'm looking for a few good guy friends. I've always wanted to have a best friend and fall in love with him.

The Past is getting in the way of....

... new beginnings. Alot has happened in the last the last three months. So much that I've been on the verge of a nervous break down... or perhaps I already had one. Well, regardless, their is more to come and I'm hoping to be able to handle it. . . Whatever IT may be.
People come and go in my life and I have to learn to deal with it.... Shit happens to people, included myself, after all I am a People. ... lol ... :/ So I need to learn how to adapt and persevere in the face of shitty circumstances... No matter how badly I'd like a Do Over, it aint gonna happen so I have to look towards the future.... hmmm... Fuck it! Why dont I just focus on the right now???
 Step One: Focus on the TODAY... Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. :P

Surfing Blogs

found this... i'd like to think its god's way of telling me... keep on looking forward liz... and dont forget to smile, even if you have no reason to... or maybe its just a coincidence... sigh...

Important reminders for Me

If you want to be happy -- choose to be.

If you dwell on negativity your life is going to be just that.

If you smile on the world, it WILL smile back.

Enjoy the little things, they may be gone someday (People included).

Do the things that you want to do, because you are in charge of your own life, and if you let other people determine your decisions you may live in regret someday.

Spend time with the people who lift you up, bring laughter to your lips, and who you cannot live without.

Don't over-complicate things. Things are already as complicated as they need to be.

When things get overwhelming and you feel like life is falling apart, remember your blessings - don't focus on the curses.

Remember no one has control over your life but YOU. Make the best of it.

Be content but always strive for more.

Don't be complacent or think you know it all, you always have something to learn.

When you are upset by someone - put yourself in their shoes, try to see their perspective - This will give you the much needed outside view.

Don't wish away any moment, you will never get it back.

Keep it simple, and always remember "Life will go on" regardless of the circumstance.

SMILE no matter what, it makes a difference.

Awake...

. . . have you ever had a dream where you're crying and you wake up crying?. . . . i have. . . when i was little i use to wake up to tears in my eyes. . . . when i was little i use to wake up and not remember why i was crying. . .

. . . i'm not sure whats better . . . waking up and not knowing. . .

 or waking up and knowing. . . 

My Asian Adventure!!!

I went to the Pacific Asia Museum today.  It was a class assignment for my Multi-Culture Anti Bias class. The assignment was to go to a place/event that has nothing to do with my own culture. It was very interesting, saw a lot of artifacts. Surprisingly a lot of the customs we read about as we went through the museum reminded me of my own culture. There was one piece they had that said to hold an ancestor within it, I told Ericka that was "kinda creepy... but then again , no more creepy then having your deceased relatives visiting you in the month of November"... lol. Dia de Los Muertos.
We had the entire museum to ourselves, I guess not many people wanna visit a museum Friday night in Pasadena. I think I had the most fun in their Silk Road room, they had sets of Asian clothing you could try on, and a set with a giant Llama and instruments you could sit in and take pictures in. Lol. I tried on two of the outfits. :) They also had a touch table with different artifacts and magnifying glasses. I also enjoyed reading and writing in their guest book. A lot of people wrote their story or their ancestors story and why they came to the museum.
Afterwards Ericka and me went to our favorite Japanese noodle house, Hakata Ramen Shin Sen Gumi, and had a bowl of Ramen. I chased it down with a small bottle of cold Sake ;D and Ericka had green tea. For the most part it was a fun day. We haven't seen each other in a while so we caught up at dinner. Not everything we talked about brought a smile to my face, but it's nice to know she's there for me.

Anywhoo, I should go to bed. I plan on going to the year of the snake celebration tomorrow before work.
I'll post pics later.

Goodnight JD