Anxiety !!!

I should be sleeping...

...but here I am. Thinking about a few things. My last fight with Charlie. The few attacks I've had in the last couple of months. My recent outing with old friends.

Have I mentioned I've been a little overwhelmed in the past 2 months? I guess it finally caught up with me physically. Actually I've seen other signs, upset stomach, fatigue, insomnia, chest pain... except last weekend it came in the form of an anxiety attack.

It happened after our first yard sale. My mom and aunts came to "show their support". They bought a few dollars worth of items. I suspect their REAL reason for showing up was to give me "consejos"  , what you would call "advice". They talked about money. How we should pool our money for certain things but to always keep my own nest egg. My aunt talked about her first husband, and how she regrets giving him her paycheck each pay day. How he drank and spent all her money away. It mostly sounded like they we're worried his baby's mama was gonna take all my money, though. My mom said that what she made the govt do to our dad. Lol. I dont have much. But what I do have I know we need to make this whole move happen. I dont mind. Like I told Heather, Im in this 100 percent.

I told my mom I know what Im doing. Why is it that people always have so little faith in my abilities?!? I am not a child, even though I feel like one at times... and I am definitely treating like one most of the time! Im not sure if it was that conversation combined with the lecture I received from Charlie that morning combined with my recent outing with old friends aaaand running into some old school and work friends, that was the climax to the break down...

I had the same uneasy feeling like I did last time. Same chest pain. Same shaky hands and voice. Then my arm starting tingling, then the other and soon it was all my limbs. I called Ericka hoping the feeling would subside, because one of the paranoid thoughts I had at that moment -besides the feeling of doom-was that something bad happened to her and that's why she never responded to my texts the night before. I wish she had been there- she has a calming effect on me... usually, lol, but I know she cant ALWAYS be there. I cant put all my problems and thoughts on her shoulders. She's got a life too. I gotta say I am grateful for having her in mine. <3

Uuuunfortunately talking to her did not help much with the feeling this time...lol... the feeling of sensory overload followed by a detachment of the world. I said goodbye because i felt like crying. I remember reassuring myself in my own head. "Everything's ok, you're fine... breath..." but my eyes started watering after Charlie said something...  I cant remember what he said... the feeling is like trying to grasp on to the world but it's (or you) is floating away. It's terrifying.

We got to his mom's. I know I was overly quiet but I had to concentrate on staying "here" concentrate on relaxing... taping my foot seemed to help a little. The Vicodin she gave me helped a lot though lol.

I should go to bed...
Goodnight.

Happy note: I have tomorrow off. I havent had a sunday off in alooong time. Yay! and Ericka invited us to their annual Super Bowl party. Double yaay!!