11/1/22 Taking it one day at a time...

 

Slow your Roll !!!!

Hey JD,
So I may be in the middle of a mid-life crisis...
I wish people would stop telling me I'm still young... Or ...You're too young to be worrying about *-fill in the blank-*...

My anxiety has been on high this month... Like border line Crazy Status! I find myself hitting on the most inappropriate men... Or Emotionally unavailable men... Or just plain just available men! Meaning theyre there and Im just gonna hit on them even if I dont find them attractive!...
I definitely need to slow my roll...
Take a breath... Count to 20... Or 100...
And most definitively STOP HITTING ON EVERYONE!!! I have Not hit on any attached men though all though for the amount of alcohol Ive consumed in the past month Im surprised I havent started hitting on girls too!
Uuuuugh!!!
 I need to straighten my thoughts out... ✋ look and listen to my common sense... Listen to My inner voice... And stop listening to my crazy one...

What did i do today?
I actually got out of bed today... Thanks to Sheryll. We saw the bumble bee movie! ❤it ... We had lunch too... I love our girl outings.
I've been partying it up and mingling it up with new peeps.... But the problem with that is I tend crash from the social butterfly high... And that crash sucks big time...  You see as a person with Anxiety I tend to over analyze... And reanalyze ... Until my brain hurts and I regret ever going out in the first place... Sounds exhausting huh? Well ... It is!!! Then I need another day or 2 to get myself "over it" ...

Jan 1st New Years day: Panic Attack!

I hadn't had a panic attack in a loooong time... Im glad it wasn't a big one... They suck! .. But there I was waiting on the gold line to take me to Pasadena when bam! Stupid anxiety... Youre ok... You're fine... Breath... I called Cindy... Talking to someone gives me comfort.. Helps me stop spiraling...
Other then the attack I had a pretty cool day helping out the Jaycees at the Rose Bowl. It was alot of fun despite spending all my time with complete strangers... Lol...
All in all I think Ive made awesome progress when it comes to my social anxieties... I did get a little anxious when I was told I'd be interacting with strangers but I gave myself a pep talk and I pulled through! I spoke to over 50 people that day... Was offered various alcoholic beverages and a jello shot... Lol...
All in all... It was a fun day... Lol

Old Journals...

Hello JD
Long time no write. . . Ive recently repossessed my old Jornals. The ones where I would put pen to paper. I miss writing... My life feels like it's missing something... I have the job I've always wanted. I shape young minds... I love what I do... I may not be rich but I am rich in laughs and love from these tiny humans and I cant imagine doing anything else... I've continued to volunteer for Relay for Life every year in memory of Ranee and I recently joined the Pasadena Jaycees. The Jaycees help me with my volunteer fix. Lol. Volunteering makes me feel good, which has helped me fill in some of the void... But I still feel it... That void. That emptiness... I don't know if its because I am about to have another birthday and I have yet to meet someone that makes me feel alive and special or because I feel like Im not doing enough with my life... It might be both. So far I've met men that are emotionally unavailable... I feel like I may be internally seeking them out... Lol. Do i really want to put my heart back out there? Do I want to risk the pain? A part of me does... A big part... Ive learned alot from the 3 boyfriends and 1 fiance I've had the pleasure of creating memories with... Albeit not all good... Lol... I feel hopeless... I've never been good with meeting men. It doesn't help that I work in an industry that is run mostly by women... But even then Ive always been awkward when it comes to men. I wish I had more confidence in myself. I guess thats where I have to start.... Building my confidence.
1. Build your confidence.

How do I do that?

the one about loosing everything. ..... all over again. ...

Ranee died on July 10th if this year.... I feel like I want to die too.... my heart aches..... it's as though I lost him too. ... all over again. .. it was as though I fell in love with him all over again then lost him. ... ALL OVER AGAIN. ... I don't feel like explaining at the moment. ... but I can honestly say I have never felt this much pain in my entire life. ... I thought I had. ... I thought I had. ...

Dating....

So I started dating. I've never quite got the hang of "dating". I've always been rather shy around boys. When ever they spoke to me, It was as though my mind shut off for minutes after and the English language escaped my sense of comprehension. That was mostly in elementary and middle school... I only slightly improved on my vocal skills with boys in High School, only with the help of my two best guy friends, Chris and Chris. They helped me practice. LOL
My first three boyfriends only went out with me once before I became their Girlfriend. One, I hardly ever saw, I saw more of his twin brother then him; and the other two lived hundreds of miles away from me.
I guess I'm use to having boys tell me right away what they want... so I'm finding this whole dating thing quite frustrating. Do they like me? What are they looking for? What do they want from me?...
I'm also beginning to think I get attached too easily. I meet these guys, and I enjoy spending time with them but then I no longer hear from them after the third date. Why cant they just be up front and say they no longer want to see me, or they don't think we're compatible or even hey you don't want to sleep with me so I'm going to find someone who will... etc.etc... It's rather frustrating.

I don't think I like this thing called dating... maybe I'll just say I'm looking for a few good guy friends. I've always wanted to have a best friend and fall in love with him.

The Past is getting in the way of....

... new beginnings. Alot has happened in the last the last three months. So much that I've been on the verge of a nervous break down... or perhaps I already had one. Well, regardless, their is more to come and I'm hoping to be able to handle it. . . Whatever IT may be.
People come and go in my life and I have to learn to deal with it.... Shit happens to people, included myself, after all I am a People. ... lol ... :/ So I need to learn how to adapt and persevere in the face of shitty circumstances... No matter how badly I'd like a Do Over, it aint gonna happen so I have to look towards the future.... hmmm... Fuck it! Why dont I just focus on the right now???
 Step One: Focus on the TODAY... Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. :P

Surfing Blogs

found this... i'd like to think its god's way of telling me... keep on looking forward liz... and dont forget to smile, even if you have no reason to... or maybe its just a coincidence... sigh...

Important reminders for Me

If you want to be happy -- choose to be.

If you dwell on negativity your life is going to be just that.

If you smile on the world, it WILL smile back.

Enjoy the little things, they may be gone someday (People included).

Do the things that you want to do, because you are in charge of your own life, and if you let other people determine your decisions you may live in regret someday.

Spend time with the people who lift you up, bring laughter to your lips, and who you cannot live without.

Don't over-complicate things. Things are already as complicated as they need to be.

When things get overwhelming and you feel like life is falling apart, remember your blessings - don't focus on the curses.

Remember no one has control over your life but YOU. Make the best of it.

Be content but always strive for more.

Don't be complacent or think you know it all, you always have something to learn.

When you are upset by someone - put yourself in their shoes, try to see their perspective - This will give you the much needed outside view.

Don't wish away any moment, you will never get it back.

Keep it simple, and always remember "Life will go on" regardless of the circumstance.

SMILE no matter what, it makes a difference.

Awake...

. . . have you ever had a dream where you're crying and you wake up crying?. . . . i have. . . when i was little i use to wake up to tears in my eyes. . . . when i was little i use to wake up and not remember why i was crying. . .

. . . i'm not sure whats better . . . waking up and not knowing. . .

 or waking up and knowing. . . 

My Asian Adventure!!!

I went to the Pacific Asia Museum today.  It was a class assignment for my Multi-Culture Anti Bias class. The assignment was to go to a place/event that has nothing to do with my own culture. It was very interesting, saw a lot of artifacts. Surprisingly a lot of the customs we read about as we went through the museum reminded me of my own culture. There was one piece they had that said to hold an ancestor within it, I told Ericka that was "kinda creepy... but then again , no more creepy then having your deceased relatives visiting you in the month of November"... lol. Dia de Los Muertos.
We had the entire museum to ourselves, I guess not many people wanna visit a museum Friday night in Pasadena. I think I had the most fun in their Silk Road room, they had sets of Asian clothing you could try on, and a set with a giant Llama and instruments you could sit in and take pictures in. Lol. I tried on two of the outfits. :) They also had a touch table with different artifacts and magnifying glasses. I also enjoyed reading and writing in their guest book. A lot of people wrote their story or their ancestors story and why they came to the museum.
Afterwards Ericka and me went to our favorite Japanese noodle house, Hakata Ramen Shin Sen Gumi, and had a bowl of Ramen. I chased it down with a small bottle of cold Sake ;D and Ericka had green tea. For the most part it was a fun day. We haven't seen each other in a while so we caught up at dinner. Not everything we talked about brought a smile to my face, but it's nice to know she's there for me.

Anywhoo, I should go to bed. I plan on going to the year of the snake celebration tomorrow before work.
I'll post pics later.

Goodnight JD

So much for my Fairy tale...

Perhaps thats all it was... just a Fairy tale. A fictitious story that had to come to an end .... because all fairy tales have an ending... but is it over? I have so many thoughts running though my head. Im not sure which line of thinking I should follow. Siiiigh.

Trying....

 

These last few months have been difficult and I dont see the future getting any easier but here I am TRYING. I cant say Im not trying. With a little more disipline and faith I hope things keep getting better...

Anemia Blows!

I hate being tired all the time.
Im irratable.
Im moody.
I wish I had more self discipline... maybe then I could get rid of all my health issues.
I have yet to make a doctors appointment and Im overdue for one. I forget to take my iron pills and birth control. i.e the Birth control helps with the anemia, I dont loose so much damn blood! Imagine bleeding 20-25 days outta the month! Bet you'd be irratible too!!!
I should go to bed.... I just finished some homework. It's for my online course. Uuuugh! I need to get myself in check soon, otherwise I dont see me getting a good grade in this class. :(
I start work this Sunday and my free time will be drastically decreased! :(

Goodnight.

Summer Over!!

I start school next week. Introduction to Physical Anthropology. Art for Children. Observing and Recording Behavior. and Computer Keyboarding. Im also trying to add Health, Safety and Nutrition for Young Children. After these I only need two more Child Dev. classes to finish my AA in Chld Dev.


Im incredibly tired right now... im literally fighting to keep my eyes open so i guess i wont be catching up on my blogging....
sigh...

ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... ttyl.... hopefully.

Lizzie

Breath Liz... Breath....

I find myself with a little time to write :) Today was my last final and I can honestly say I am rather relieved of having one less thing to worry about at the moment: School. I had started out with 14 units this semesters and ended up with 5. I am partially glad I decided to drop more then half my course work because I definitely was not focused on work this semester and cant imagine how on earth I would of passed any of those harder classes. Even now I am unsure of my grades in the remaining four classes, I might have to retake one or two.

This past couple of months it has felt as though my mind has been constantly preoccupied. When Im at work Im thinking of school and home issues, when Im at school Im worrying about work and home issues.. etc. etc. I think my mind has reached its full capacity in thoughts and has spilled over into my here and now so I have been unable to be in the Here and Now.

I recently talked to my teacher about possibly taking her courses again and the difficulty I've had staying focused in her class. Needless to say when ever I open up a little about my personal problems I began to cry. I wasnt completely surprised. If i think about it lately Ive kept so much in , i was bound to explode sooner or later. (that was only one out pouring of emotion Ive had this week)

I went to see a therapist today. I know Ive been putting it off for over a year now but seeing as I've been incredible emotional lately I figured I should do something about it. Especially since I will be starting the summer program soon. I asked for a leave of absence from work to take care of all these issues, which was not my original plan but one that I felt had to be made.

What I had wanted to do was work at Target in the mornings and the summer program in the afternoons but I was told I couldnt limit my schedule that much. I thought Greeeat something else to worry about. So I went to talk to our HR rep to try to figure something out. Sigh. I started crying  in the middle of our talk. I didnt tell her this but I felt as though I was being put between a rock and a hard place, either I quit so I can do this summer job (which only last 3 months) and loose my only means of support or not be able to show up to some days im scheduled to work and eventually get fired and STILL loose my only means of support.

By the end of the meeting I was told that it was up to me to decide what i wanted to do: They told me that they would work with my schedule and if I decided to ask for the leave that theyd support that too. Siiigh.... If they had just approved my availability in the first place I wouldnt have had this minor break down. . . but I guess I should be glad because I think this is my bodies way of telling me somethings wrong and I need to fix it.

Im not sure if its an emotional problem or medical problem or even a combination of both but hopefully with the help of my therapist and doctor I can figure out whats going on...

It might just take some time...

So Much Catching up to do!!!

Saying I am just a little behind on EVERYTHING is an understatement. There is sooo much to do... and soooo much to worry about. I have asked for a week off from work in the hopes that I can get caught up in all my work.

Lately I've been busy being mad at Charlie... for a number of reasons.
Ultimately I think I have only me to blame. I am not as aggresive with him as I should have been on what needs to be done and as Ive mentioned before his lack of motivation somehow rubs off on me... but I shouldnt blame that on him. If I really pushed myself I would get up and go. . . and I've found that when I find the motivation to get myself in gear, he does too. I just wish he had that on his own.
Im not sure why I am dragging my feet in school... in a way I think that if I dont get things done then they WONT get done... not MY things... OUR things... so my stuff gets pushed to the back burner.

 He talked about resentment recently and perhaps that is why I am being uncharacteristicly "mean".
I resent the fact that he has all this "free" time to get things done yet chooses not to. I resent the fact that not only do I have to go to work and school but I have to play "housewife". I am angry that he lets the government screw him over and in turn screw US over.

There has been alot of anger and angry feelings going around as well as sadness...
and for the most part I think I know where its coming from but.... but... theres just so many uncharted feeling I know are lying deep under my skin that I havent quite uncovered.

Charlie agreed to counceling.... but only If I find one that we can go to. :/ siiiigh... I have enough to do on my plate!... Just another thing to feel resentful about... and to to the therapist about. lol

These last few months have been hard... we've both experienced health issues. We have both paid visits to the emergency room.

 He says my issues are within my control though, unlike his. Pfft! As if I could have forseen the major bloodloss I experienced... yes, I am and have been anemic for quite some time but I (as well as my doctor) are not completely sure why my body has been going haywire. I am on iron pills as well as BC to regulate my bodies hormones and junk but the doc said it would take a few months to see. See what? If pills fix the problem!? If theres another underlining issue!? If the cyst on my right ovary shrinks?! sigh!

Things arent all bad. It good to know that people care. That they want to help. I am very grateful for the people in my life and I may not be the best person at showing it but I can at least say Im trying... Im learning.... I just need to remember to take it one day at a time.

On a good note. I forgot how much better I feel after having a "Dance session" alone in the bathroom. It would always cheer me up after having a bout of the blues. Im glad i had one today. :D Im also noticing that Im getting some color back to my face, I no longer look super pasty.

Plus it's good to know Charlie and me still love and care about one another despite the fact that we are both up to our wits end with each other!

Broken...

Not a good day.... Apparently Im as broken as I thought I was...

I dont have much time to write... again... so I'll summarize a few of  my thoughts ...
I feel like all I do is sleep and work... work and sleep...
My body feels old...
I want to get up and go but I have no motivation... and it doesnt help that Charlie doesnt have any either...
I feel when ever things seem to be getting better, they are in fact worse...
I do not like when Charlie reminds me of those facts...
So I am between a limbo of feelings... or how he put it... lack there of : Unfeelings... Is that a word?
Siiigh...

Snail Mail: New Years Resolution!!!

I have been wanting to write about this for some time but again NO TIME to write :(

To save time here's the link to my idea Snail Mail New Years Resolution! ... I hope to keep my updates on this project here.

My resolve to do this event,- forget about the insecurities and pessimistic thoughts aside - was when I started reading 365 Thank You Notes by John Kralik I told myself "see its not a dumb idea!" forget about the possibility that no one will want to participate... just DO IT!

.. and since then the world has kept telling me to continue...

So many things on my mind....

I haven't had time to write lately, I can't even remember the last time I did. . . where to begin? Should I talk about our recent drama with the ex? The coinsidence that doesn't seem like just a coinsidence? The things that cameout of that. . . or should i talk about the frightening eighteen hours in the hospital and all the worries that came after? ... Not all bad though, we had a get together  for Charlie's birthday... and I got to see an old friend...

Settling in...

i  havent had much time to write. school has started and weve been settling into our apartment. ive met one of my neighbors. shes incredibly nice and has a dog named copper. poor puppy got hit by a car too. he has a puppy wheel chair to help him get around now. marley has gottten a lil use to him, theyve met a few times now. our neighbors who live directly above us are loud. but other then that Im enjoying the place :D Its nice to go home and not worry.

Anxiety !!!

I should be sleeping...

...but here I am. Thinking about a few things. My last fight with Charlie. The few attacks I've had in the last couple of months. My recent outing with old friends.

Have I mentioned I've been a little overwhelmed in the past 2 months? I guess it finally caught up with me physically. Actually I've seen other signs, upset stomach, fatigue, insomnia, chest pain... except last weekend it came in the form of an anxiety attack.

It happened after our first yard sale. My mom and aunts came to "show their support". They bought a few dollars worth of items. I suspect their REAL reason for showing up was to give me "consejos"  , what you would call "advice". They talked about money. How we should pool our money for certain things but to always keep my own nest egg. My aunt talked about her first husband, and how she regrets giving him her paycheck each pay day. How he drank and spent all her money away. It mostly sounded like they we're worried his baby's mama was gonna take all my money, though. My mom said that what she made the govt do to our dad. Lol. I dont have much. But what I do have I know we need to make this whole move happen. I dont mind. Like I told Heather, Im in this 100 percent.

I told my mom I know what Im doing. Why is it that people always have so little faith in my abilities?!? I am not a child, even though I feel like one at times... and I am definitely treating like one most of the time! Im not sure if it was that conversation combined with the lecture I received from Charlie that morning combined with my recent outing with old friends aaaand running into some old school and work friends, that was the climax to the break down...

I had the same uneasy feeling like I did last time. Same chest pain. Same shaky hands and voice. Then my arm starting tingling, then the other and soon it was all my limbs. I called Ericka hoping the feeling would subside, because one of the paranoid thoughts I had at that moment -besides the feeling of doom-was that something bad happened to her and that's why she never responded to my texts the night before. I wish she had been there- she has a calming effect on me... usually, lol, but I know she cant ALWAYS be there. I cant put all my problems and thoughts on her shoulders. She's got a life too. I gotta say I am grateful for having her in mine. <3

Uuuunfortunately talking to her did not help much with the feeling this time...lol... the feeling of sensory overload followed by a detachment of the world. I said goodbye because i felt like crying. I remember reassuring myself in my own head. "Everything's ok, you're fine... breath..." but my eyes started watering after Charlie said something...  I cant remember what he said... the feeling is like trying to grasp on to the world but it's (or you) is floating away. It's terrifying.

We got to his mom's. I know I was overly quiet but I had to concentrate on staying "here" concentrate on relaxing... taping my foot seemed to help a little. The Vicodin she gave me helped a lot though lol.

I should go to bed...
Goodnight.

Happy note: I have tomorrow off. I havent had a sunday off in alooong time. Yay! and Ericka invited us to their annual Super Bowl party. Double yaay!!