Cant sleep....

There's too much to think about. School. Money. Work. The Boyfriend. The Friends. The Family. LIFE. I wish I had some kind of magic tape recorder that could record my thoughts and ideas so I can read them out loud later on in the day when I can think and reflect what it is I'm trying to figure out.
but then again...

Sooo lets write about my day... Today I went to work, stayed a few extra hours, mostly because I need the extra money, otherwise I wouldn't have stayed. I don't like my job very much, sad but true. There's just way too much time for me to think there. lol. What I do takes very little brain power and so It likes to think and wander while I work. After work I played racquetball for the very first time. It was rather fun, reminded me of my tennis days. I didn't try to hard to win though, mostly because I was still a little sore from school. I ran a mile in about 12 minutes on Thursday. I was going to half jog, half walk but I remember my little love bird told me to push myself, sooo I went for trying to jog the entire 12 minutes, and I did it! Except a day later I felt incredibly sore. My body is definitely out of shape. I've gained 8 almost 9 lbs in the last couple of months. "this Happy weight is making me depressed..." -something I said to a friend. So I'm hoping this class helps me loose a few of those pounds I picked up.

Afterwards we went to The Hat and had a bag of fries and hamburgers. Yeees, I felt guilty. My eating habits definitely don't help my goal, but Its hard to go from junk food to healthy food! Junk food taste sooo good!!

Friday
We went to Lucky Baldwins this last Friday. Charlie wanted to have a small celebration, on a count that I finished my first week of school. I told him It wasn't that hard, we basically just read the syllabus and leave early in every class the first week of school, but he said that doing school and work isn't an easy thing to do sooo We Celebrate!... with beer... lol... and food of course. I thought I was going to see a few old friends but sadly i did not. However I still had a lovely dinner with my love. We went to an old hang out of mine, from back in my "party all the time" phase. A little dive bar called the Colorado. I was surprised that the bouncer remembered my face... lol. I was a regular though. We picked a few songs to hear outta the jukebox, our picks were the very last to be played, but at least we got to hear them. It was fun, despite the serious talk we had about certain things in our lives. I wish I could say the hours after that were fun too but we had a small tiff. I blame my inability to regulate my emotions... that and the alcohol didn't help. It's very frustrating for me...

So I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for him... My books say It's not my fault that I cant regulate my feelings normally. After all I was never thought that when I was little. We didn't talk about our feelings or emotions. So saying a simple thing as " You hurt my feelings when..." "I'm mad at you because..." ... "I'm sad because..." etc. etc.  is still very foreign to me. Our actions always expressed our feelings. If I was mad, I wouldn't speak to you, I would stay away and avoid you. If I was sad, I'd hide it and dwell upon it later. If I was hurt, I'd make excuses for those who hurt me... hmmm ... to much to write and think about when it comes to that... anyways.... Eventually I got around to telling him what was bothering me and we basically kissed and made-up.

This is one of my favorite quotes... I have ALOT of favorites.
I'm glad Charlie is patient with me. VERY patient, but sometimes I think he just doesn't quite understand why its sooo difficult for me ... but it is. I always know what i want to say, I just cant bring myself to actually say it. I'm working on it thought... I know its gonna take sometime...

...its getting late.