Anxiety !!!

I should be sleeping...

...but here I am. Thinking about a few things. My last fight with Charlie. The few attacks I've had in the last couple of months. My recent outing with old friends.

Have I mentioned I've been a little overwhelmed in the past 2 months? I guess it finally caught up with me physically. Actually I've seen other signs, upset stomach, fatigue, insomnia, chest pain... except last weekend it came in the form of an anxiety attack.

It happened after our first yard sale. My mom and aunts came to "show their support". They bought a few dollars worth of items. I suspect their REAL reason for showing up was to give me "consejos"  , what you would call "advice". They talked about money. How we should pool our money for certain things but to always keep my own nest egg. My aunt talked about her first husband, and how she regrets giving him her paycheck each pay day. How he drank and spent all her money away. It mostly sounded like they we're worried his baby's mama was gonna take all my money, though. My mom said that what she made the govt do to our dad. Lol. I dont have much. But what I do have I know we need to make this whole move happen. I dont mind. Like I told Heather, Im in this 100 percent.

I told my mom I know what Im doing. Why is it that people always have so little faith in my abilities?!? I am not a child, even though I feel like one at times... and I am definitely treating like one most of the time! Im not sure if it was that conversation combined with the lecture I received from Charlie that morning combined with my recent outing with old friends aaaand running into some old school and work friends, that was the climax to the break down...

I had the same uneasy feeling like I did last time. Same chest pain. Same shaky hands and voice. Then my arm starting tingling, then the other and soon it was all my limbs. I called Ericka hoping the feeling would subside, because one of the paranoid thoughts I had at that moment -besides the feeling of doom-was that something bad happened to her and that's why she never responded to my texts the night before. I wish she had been there- she has a calming effect on me... usually, lol, but I know she cant ALWAYS be there. I cant put all my problems and thoughts on her shoulders. She's got a life too. I gotta say I am grateful for having her in mine. <3

Uuuunfortunately talking to her did not help much with the feeling this time...lol... the feeling of sensory overload followed by a detachment of the world. I said goodbye because i felt like crying. I remember reassuring myself in my own head. "Everything's ok, you're fine... breath..." but my eyes started watering after Charlie said something...  I cant remember what he said... the feeling is like trying to grasp on to the world but it's (or you) is floating away. It's terrifying.

We got to his mom's. I know I was overly quiet but I had to concentrate on staying "here" concentrate on relaxing... taping my foot seemed to help a little. The Vicodin she gave me helped a lot though lol.

I should go to bed...
Goodnight.

Happy note: I have tomorrow off. I havent had a sunday off in alooong time. Yay! and Ericka invited us to their annual Super Bowl party. Double yaay!!

Some of my favorite quotes...

Nothing angers mean spirited people more then being Happy... Sooo forget about their anger and cruelty, it's not your problem (you got your own problems, lol)... be Happy ... <3 -Me

Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you.
-Loretta Young

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.
-Tom Robbins

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.
-A. A. Milne  

"By the time we make ends meat, someone moves the ends"...
...the one you love will think the sun shines out your ass... (Juno)

... We've gone too far... (Harold and Kumar go to Whitecastle)

I can't tolerate intolerance!
I'm not open to close minded people (stolen from Christian Locatell)

 You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it.  But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.  People forget.  ~Author unknown, attributed to an 8-year-old named Jessica

At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.
-Plato 

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.  ~Author Unknown

 You know when you have found your prince because you not only have a smile on your face but in your heart as well.  ~Author Unknown

Come live in my heart and pay no rent.  ~Samuel Lover
Romance is dead - it was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.  ~Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I.  ~Michel de Montaigne

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.  ~Javan

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.  ~Nora Ephron, When Harry Met Sally

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.  ~Jonathan Carroll, "Outside the Dog Museum"

An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.-
Buddha

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.
-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.
-Joseph Roux

Always write angry letters to your enemies. Never mail them.
-James Fallows

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
-Buddha

Moving out in 8 Days!!!

Hello JD,
Alot has happened once again. . . but due to school, work and the whole moving out and time for stressing, I havent had much time to write.

So first things first moving out! Our move in date is February 10th. At the moment we are stressing about money for rent and utilities. I started out very happy and optimistic about the move (I've been wanting to move out since I was a little girl!) but It's hard to stay that way because Charlie is even more pessimistic then I am!!! I know, WOW, here I thought I was Debbie downer, but he makes my Debbie look like the Optimistic olivia.... LOL... ok enough kidding.

When we told his mom she had some concernes but was all around happy for us. :) She asked Charlie, why he didnt look so happy, lol. - I told her he was like that the entire day. . . He told me he was going through in his head what we needed to do to make this happen (he's done this whole flying the coop thing a few times) but since then I feel like all I hear is problem after problem... worry after worry... (and it caught up with me this last weekend) so I told him well It sounds like we werent ready to move... I also told him If it happens GREAT if not, what can we do??? Yes We'll be out 500 bucks but Its too late to look back now...
As of this moment all I know is : I WANT TO MOVE OUT!... Come Hell or High water!! We ARE moving!
We had a yard sale last weekend and we plan to have another this weekend. Hopefully we'll do as good as we did last week.

I wish...

I wish I was less of an introvert and more of an extrovert.
I wish I didn't care so much about others opinions.
I wish I wasnt so emphatetic.
I wish I had closer friends
I wish the friends I do have called more
i wishI had someone to talk to about my problems

Three Christmas's

Hello JD


Havent been here in a lil while. It's Christmas today. :D Had a good day. Yesterday me and Charlie went to my Aunt's house for diner. It's our Christmas tradition. We all go to my aunts house for dinner then we open presents. We use to wait until midnight to open gifts, but over the years it's gotten earlier and earlier in the evening. Charlie met my aunts, uncles and cousins (not ALL of them-SOME- but the ones I see the most during the year) for the first time. He met my aunt Josefina and her husband Sergio and their munchkin Ricky; and my aunt Tina and her husband Pedro and their munchkin Leslie. My brother Chris came with his girlfriend Favi and Yaneth came with her Ex-boyfriend Chris... Nestor and Jorge remain unattached... lol. It was fun. My cousin Ricky got a new dog, lol, his name is Charlie. Charlie hears the word NO alot. . . the Dog too. LOL. He was definitely not friendly to my baby Marley. . . He's not friendly and their other dog Mateo is TOO friendly ;) ;) lol Poor Marley! 

I got clothes, makeup, a mirror, a watch and some perfume from my family. I got Charlie the Star Wars DVD set in Blue Ray. When we left, Charlie made me open his presents to me (I'll talk about them later). I got the kids board games. I got Favi and Chris a gift set- bottle of Hypnotiq with ice bucket and glasses. I got Jorge the first season of 30 Rock. I got Nestor a gift card to Subway (He has an endless pit for a stomach) and I bought my aunts cooking stuff and my mom cookware. Oh I almost forgot, my mom got Charlie a towel. lol. (as long as I can remember we always would get things we NEEDED on Christmas and not so much what we wanted.) Jorge has been the only kid that's gotten everything he WANTED for Christmas.

Today we went to CHarlie's mom's for dinner and presents too. We we're all completely surprised that Casey's mom let him go with his dad today. Charlie still hadnt heard anything from her so he just dropped by at her mom's to pick him up. He said it was less painful then he thought it would be. I was very glad. They havent seen each other in a loooong time. :(  I got him a Nerf gun and a Star Wars Encyclopedia and his grandma got him a bunch of stuff he enjoyed too. Me and Charlie got his mom a bread maker. Charlies mom spoiled me rotten :) It was lots of fun. . . 

Our day wasnt over though. Ericka called and invited all of us to Sandra's for dinner. We played UNO and had a lovely dinner. I wish we could of stayed longer but Charlie had his gift exchange with his room mates today at 9. . . I, as you know, was not invited. Ericka gave me a very pretty necklace that reads "Best Friends, Now and Forever" <3 The card I got Ericka made her tear up, and then she made me tear up so I had to stop looking at her. LOL. We cant watch a sad movie together without us crying or making the other get sympathy tears. LOL. We also got her a piggy bank shaped like a shoe that said, "Savings for SHoes" and we plan to take her to Anime Con this coming up year, none of us have ever been, should be fun!
Anywhooo... MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!! 

Facebook

Facebook, a place to mingle, to renew old friendships and start new ones, to keep in touch but not really. Facebook, the land of drama. Facebook, the time machine that allow us to travel back in time to our highschool days. For people to relive goodtimes, make new ones and talk about ourselves and others. Facebook a place to form new clicks and shun anew. Facebook the online water cooler, where everyone loves to gossip about everthing and anything! Facebook, it's like web cocaine. You cant help but get addicted.

Ex Friends

Ex-Friends
If you're wondering why she remains unnamed, well, I'm not all that sure. It's difficult for me to talk about her in person, and me writing about her on paper is easier somehow but I don't like to see her name. I deleted her off of my Facebook (and blocked her) after she finally returned my messages and I found out what she really thought about me. She told me to stay out of her life so I did... and I let someone else in it. <3 I don't know why but a religious phrase comes to mind. "God doesnt close a door without opening a window.

Why not when I heard mutual friends talking shit about me, you ask? Well, because like I said, I wanted to find out the facts from the source not secondary sources. It amazes me how high school-ish people are at my age. Starting rumors, hearing rumors, calling each other all kinds of names. If you hear something and actually want to know the entire truth just ask? They might lie you say? Well of course, that is a possibility but that makes you the adult and them someone who needs to grow up! If you actually consider the person a friend then I would think you would want to know the truth. . . and if they lie to your face, well that just proves they were never your friend to begin with.