The Frienship Blues

My last entree got me a wee bit emotional... Reminiscing about the past just brings back happy memories (things turned out ok) but also sad memories of today. I was reminded of Chris S. Remembering times he's been there for me. Like when Marley got hurt he was one of the few that helped out with her...

Poor thing had to be carried everywhere until she regained the use of her legs. I had to medicate her and keep a close eye on her for the next week or so. It took her about three days maybe four to start walking again. :) Everyone was surprised. The Vet said I had to prepare myself for the fact that she may never walk again. I looked into doggie wheel chairs that very same day. I guess Marley had other plans for her skinny legs. :)

This goes for four legged creatures too:

hmmmm... anywhoo... Last entree just reminded me of him... which caused a whole chain reaction.. which caused a simple conclusion to my all ready blues day...

I miss him. I miss hanging out with him, talking to him.... I miss HIM. He wasn't a perfect friend, but then again who is? Im definitely not... We're all human and humans are known to make mistakes and act all human like sometimes... but he was a good friend to me and he was always there when it REALLY mattered... I only wish I was a better friend to him... I'm not exactly sure why he stopped talking to me... I can only make assumptions, and you know how I hate to make assumptions!

 ... yet that's all I'm left with... again. I think the last time I spoke to him was early January of this year. He called me and I forgot to call him back. I was more then a little distracted that month... everything that was going on in the mini soap opera was getting to me and I couldn't focus on anything or anyone else. I was too busy trying to save friendships/relationships...
I very much regret that know... We all know how that turned out... I didn't know it then but I was trying to save something that was allready dead.... I just didn't know it yet... or perhaps it never really was alive to begin with...
...instead I should have been focusing on the people who wanted to talk to me and have me in their lives...

I tried calling him ... texting him ... emailing him... no response. He deleted me from Facebook... and he blocked me. I remember telling Ericka "I hate the fact that we live in a world where we can physically delete an entire friendship with just the click of a mouse!" Its that easy folks! Years worth of good times and even bad times spent together , GONE. Like we never existed. I apologized and tried to explain to him (in email, since he wouldn't return my calls) what was going on... albeit in a weird analogy ( which now that I think of was not a good idea) but I TRIED. Nothing.

 It wasn't until my talk with Charlie about Chris, did I realize how torn and sad I was inside about loosing his friendship...

I remember I had left my purse in Charlies car the last time we talked (I had to tell him the shinanigans Jerry started) and he was just going to bring it back to me put we ended up catching lunch at The Golden Dragon. I remember feeling rather chatty ( Charlie pointed that out too- As you know I am a rather quiet, shy gal) and feeling rather comfortable talking with him... i believe he asked about Chris n such because we had talked about it briefly before... so I told him a few things only Ericka at the time knew. . . and things about my friendship with Chris in general...

You see I've always had this image in my head about growing old (god-willing) and I told Charlie about it... I told him "Out of all the friends in my life, HE was one of the few I pictured, with me at the old folks home... racing our wheel chairs down the ramp." That thought would always make me laugh... this time it had an adverse affect. I could feel my throat closing... choking... I tried to hold it back. I absolutely HATE crying... It's bad enough when I cry when alone, but here I was in the middle of the day, in the middle of a restaurant, in the middle of someone I hardly knew... Starting to Cry. I remember I apologized for crying and told him I wasn't sure where that came from... Deep down I knew...

 

I'm not sure why I didn't confide in him... in anyone really. I guess I figured I could handle it on my own... I didn't want to bother them... I didn't think they'd understand... I was afraid they'd judge me... For whatever the reason... I know now he wouldn't have been bothered, or judgemental... he's always helped and been there for me in the past... why not now??? ... He's never let me go throw bad times alone.
Who was there for me when I got a letter saying I couldn't attend Fullerton because of a stupid postcard??? Who went with me to Fullerton to petition the Dean of students??? Not my boyfriend (at the time) not my mother... Chris WAS. Who went with me to visit Marley while at the vet? Who'd I spent the weekend with in San Bernardino (kitty too-lol) ??? Who'd I spent countless of work hours with?? Countless of fast food runs and conversations with??? Who would invite me over and wanna just hang out with boring little ol' MEEE??? One on one, Lizzie and Stephens time! It's easier to write this know... I teared up last night thinking about all this and more... 

It is very true- How CAN I forget someone that gave me soo many GOOD memories..
I cant...
I think  I's time to say hello to the sandman...
Sweet dreams.