Thinking... thinking.. thinking... after, before, during... about what???...
My friends and how well I really knew THEM. How well they really knew ME. My childhood, who I was, why I was the way I was. What I did wrong. What others did wrong. What should have I done?? How I might of handled the situation differently? How I might fix things? Who should I talk to? Who should I NOT talk to?... and the list goes on and on...
but one thing (out of many things) I learned is: "I cant control others actions and reactions, all I can do is be honest and hope for the best" easier said then done. Especially if you would do anything NOT to hurt the people you care about and love. And believe me when I say, from the very beginning, that was the last thing I thought might happen... I never wanted to hurt any one of them. Not Char, Jerry or my close friend ( at least that's what I thought we were,"close"- but another thing I learned is "you can know someone for a long time but never REALLY know them- nor they YOU") only as me and Charlie's chattings progressed- to a first time meeting ( and that's a whole story unto itself) did I think more and more about it. . . and all the drama it might entail - have I mentioned i HATE drama... especially my drama! ( I talked to Farmer briefly about it- he called and wanted to know what was wrong <3 ) FB had clued him on my inner dilemmas. To continue the friendship or not to continue, THAT was the question...
By the end of all this I had put myself in everyone else's position. I tried putting myself in their shoes and feel what they might feel. . . and believe me , as a very pessimistic girl, not all my musings were at all joyful. I felt sadness, anger, betrayal, love, love-loss, the list goes on... I felt sick to my stomach almost everyday that I couldn't get all of this straightened out sooner. And I tried. Over and over again... but I also came to terms with the fact that "you cant make someone face a problem you want to deal with, if they're not ready to deal with it themselves!"
Thinking about it now... I think I was afraid of finding out, if that's how she really was/ if that was how she really felt... " I didn't trust her enough not to over react... to be like a (excuse my stereotype) A Girl" ... as I mentioned in my earlier blog... but I was also taking in account my previous experiences with people.
From the friends and family I do know- at least somewhat better then her- I knew THEY wouldn't so much approve as to us just even TALKING. So I was thinking perhaps she was the same. I could hear the voices in my head. " I cant believe your talking to him!" " I dont CARE if it was on FB!" " You're breaking the girl code just by talking to him let alone being his friend!".... and then to: "what!? You hung out!???" WHAT??!!, he wants to hang out with you again?!" "Oh Hell nooo!" and soo on and so forth... So when I talked to Farmer, he had sealed it...In Farmers words: "...besides you don't want to go out with a "dead beat"
That took me by surprise-I didn't think about that... I didn't even know if he was one , at the time for all I knew he might of been one!...(piece of advice- "Don't believe everything you hear") it was what I was hearing after all, from him. . . And believe me when I say I take my friends words seriously and to heart. . . so he had just confirmed my reservations on the whole hanging out again thing. I was gonna take his and my advice and NOT hang out again. (at the time)... after all I was also taking in account my past mistakes (whole other story-that is ,believe it or not, tied to this one)
I do want to say, even though I wasn't thinking about all the bad things I heard back then and the new things I was hearing now- What I WAS thinking about was how much I liked talking to him... how much i liked getting to know him. . . and how Incredibly sad and lonely I'd feel about not having someone take an interest and the initiative to see how I was doing, what i was up to, etc. etc.
Anywhoo back to my initial thought...Farmer said, she had said those things about him- And at the time it didn't cross my mind that Farmer would know that or hear that from anybody else but my Ex-friend.... well, who else WOULD say that, right?? ...was it recent? Was it back then???... She had never said that to me about him. She made it sound like their relationship was fine NOW... she said they were fine before AND during the "talk". Like I said Peachy Keen status. (and that started a whole other mental conversation within myself on : "why would she tell YOU differently." "Why would she say things are ok, when they weren't." -which I had a variety of conclusions to, as well) (and just so you know this timeline of thoughts is definitely scattered!)
All in all I was resigned after that talk with Farmer... After all to me it was one thing chatting and being online friends ... it's different when your REAL friends, in the REAL world.... I should know, it happened before... and ESPECIALLY if you both actually like talking with each other. lol. In my head- and others- It could ONLY lead to drama and shinanigans! Nooo thank youuu!!
but I'm not gonna lie and say it didn't cross my mind. I thought about asking her if it was ok that we hung out, if it was ok if we talked in general, if it was just OK... after all "I am only HUMAN"... I thought about it before with someone else- decided to go ahead and go for it- and then I got burned...I like to think I learn from my mistakes... sometimes..lol.
...but It was too much of a risk. . . and I, my friends, Am NOT a RISK taker. . ." I wasn't about to risk my friendship with her over the mere fact that I just enjoyed talking to him - and after we hung out- the mere fact that I enjoyed hanging out with him.
(Im such a pushover lol)
Like I said my world was kinda messed up... and all because of my damn trust issues!
Talked to my therapist about that- the whole trust issues with women- I mean if we look at the facts and what she told me before and during the "talk" , the logical conclusion would be NO she's not like that at all. "I cant believe you were afraid of telling her"- was my reaction afterwards. I remember thinking if you just trusted her not to over react (tell her you hung out and played basketball and had decided to be friends) everything would of been ok. . . But if you take in account her actions and words AFTER then well , lets just say it's a resounding Nooo!...
How it became Telenovela status:
Oops have I mentioned we all (at the time) we're mutual friends??? I think I did... Me, the ex-friend, Charlie aaand Jerry... I guess I forgot to tell you that I use to go out with Jerry... Thats important later on in this tragic story of loss, betrayal, scandal and intrigue... dont worry though it does have a bitter-sweet ending. As only few of you might now.
<3 lol oops I got side tracked!!! sooo...
...when I knew I had to...absolutely HAD to talk to her was when I found out, a mutual friend/Ex (Jerry- at least i thought he was my friend, pfft!) "implied" that "something" happened between me and her Ex-Charlie.
Que in dramatic telenovela music!! He had not implied we were "just talking", he had not implied we had become "friends"... he had implied we had "S-E-X"... aaaand thats another story yet to be told.
I learned alot, I couldnt believe how blind I was... I never knew people could be so devious and manipulative in real life- Thats telenovela shiit!... oh naive Liz! Even in the real world people have ulterior motives for doing what they do! saying what they say and IMPLYING what they imply. You just learned this lesson the hard way. . .
LOL OH how I wish I was raised differently so I could of handled everything better... Perhaps I wouldn't have had so many panic attacks in those months...lol
...but in the END... I know In MY HEART that I did right by all of them- as best I could- I tried to fix things and I never pretended to be anything less then a friend...
Tired... Goodnight, yall! ... and stay tuned for The Days of Our Lizzie!!! TBC...
No comments:
Post a Comment