Panic Attack!

Today at school I experienced a panic attack. This one lasted a little longer then the rest. I'm not certain why I had it... I can only make assumptions. It was after PE and I was walking back to the girls lockers. My throat started to constrict and my breathing got irregular and I started to get that same feeling I always get. You know the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, that travels all through your body when you hear devastating news. Yeah THAT feeling times 10!

I know it's irrational to think I "know" something bad is coming... that I'm about to die feeling... but I feel soo certain about it. Its hard to stay focused. I had to call Charlie because I felt like I was loosing it, usually I can talk myself down from them and I'm good in a few minutes but this time it felt different. I couldn't talk myself down so I told myself that as soon as you hear his voice everything is going to be ok. I literally felt like I was on the verge of passing out. So I called and talked for a few minutes (I didn't tell him I was panicking) and asked him to come get me... I tried relaxing underneath a tree with some music but the feeling was still there.

I remember reading sometimes they can last longer ... it had been about thirty minutes and the panic was still there. I don't know what made me tell Charlie once he picked me up about it. I didn't want to. lol. I think he knew something was iffy. He kept asking me if I was Ok. It's funny how he can always tell when somethings wrong. <3

There's a few things I've noticed about the recent attacks...and I tried rationalizing why in the car (not out loud) but I started panicking again when I thought it out loud. . .lol does that make sense?
I notice I've fixated on health issues recently. In this case I almost convinced myself I was experiencing some kind of allergic reaction because of the medicine I'm taking... then at the tree I almost convinced myself it might be toxic shock syndrome. Sounds crazy, I know but In my mind its very plausible and rational... I think that's why it's so damn scary, having a panic attack. You are 110% certain imminent danger/death/disaster is here or on its way and you: PANIC.

Yup... That explains it perfectly.

I remember when I got the courage to go see another councilor it was because if this specific problem. I had never had so many in such a short period of time. (within months) Usually I would get one maybe two a year...  they only started a few years ago, but I never really thought about them. I just pushed it aside and felt rather silly afterwards. This time however I knew I had to face that something was wrong. I wasn't certain they were Panic Attacks, that's why I decided to talk to a school therapist. I also made sure I didn't look up the definition of PANIC ATTACK. I wanted to describe what it felt like, in my own words. I wanted to make sure if that's what it really was and not some other problem.

So in the beginning of the year I went and talked to someone... We talked about why I might be experiencing them and alternative solutions besides medication. We barely scratched the surface. She advised me to get a regular councilor. . . you see at school we are only allowed 3 visits a year with the therapist. Which I still haven't done. Why??? Well, there I go again thinking I can fix it all by myself... and fear.



Time for Bed... remind me to tell you what we talked about...