Insomnia... stressed???

I've been finding it very hard to go to sleep at night. It has gotten slightly better in the past few days but I still find it difficult. Even now my body is extremely tired but my mind is wide awake. Perhaps I'm stressed. Maybe that's why I've had a few "episodes" as well... and by "episodes" I mean those panic attacks I mentioned earlier. lol. Like I said lately I've been fixated on health issues. That last time after PE I was certain that was it... I was going to die. . . but then again it's ALWAYS certain in my mind. Today I had chest pains and I was thinking Am I Imagining This? Or Is It Real? It's hard for me to differentiate between whats in my mind and whats going on in real life. . . but then again I remember the councilor saying that "it" is happening. I am experiencing what I am feeling. My body IS reacting.

The first one I had was about three maybe four years ago. I have a horrible memory. It was sometime after the year of my "Big Breakup". I was with Tyler for three years, not counting the year we were just friends. I remember reading certain events in your life can "trigger" panic attacks but It was months after when I first got one, sooo why would that be it???  I mean I understand or at least can make an educated guess as to why they happened at the beginning of this year and are happening now but three years ago?!? I guess I shouldn't have just brushed off my first one.

I was driving home (from where? Who knows?? I cant remember) At least I think I was driving home. I remember heading in that direction. Anyways... I got to a stop light and I was waiting to make a left turn. When all of a sudden BAM! I get that feeling you get when you hear devastating news and your stomach drops and blood rushes through your body, mixed with complete and total panic. I remember thinking a million thoughts a minute ( It only lasted a few minutes) "im having a heart attack" "im dying!" "im going insane" " whats happening!" "Should I call 9-1-1??" ... I also remember thinking "Calm down, Take a deep breath" "If you don't get it together you're going to get in a car accident" (one of my biggest fears when I got my license-finally!!) I remember feeling paralyzed with fear. I was afraid I wouldn't turn once the light turned green. I thought I was going to cause an accident, if I didn't pull myself together. So I remember telling myself " You're Ok. You can do this. Once the light turns green, you are going to make a left turn and get out of peoples way." ... and as soon as that light turned green ( and it felt like an eternity until it did!) I was fine. I was FINE. I felt rather silly. I kept driving. I think I might of laughed at myself, and asked out loud "What the Heck was that?!?" ...

...but then I did what I normally do, and pushed it to the back of my mind ... I did not try to think about why that happened, why I felt that way... I was fine. FINE. . . Perhaps I should do what I said I was gonna do and get a regular therapist... but I don't have the money! Seeee , there goes the stress again... I should force myself to sleep. Goodnight Ya'll.

Dinner with Old Friends

Last night I had dinner with Farmer, Autumn and Ericka. I was a little anxious about seeing Autumn and Farmer. The last time we hung out was the night I told Autumn about my new relationship with Charlie and the end of my friendship with my "friend". I'm glad Ericka could come too, just having her there made me a lot less anxious. I didn't have an attack. Yay! The last time I was with just Autumn and Farmer, I did. I got it under control though, so they didn't notice. Most people don't notice when I'm starting to have one... probably because I can calm myself down before it's a full fledged attack. It takes my every ounce of energy and focus to do it. It feels like my world stops all together. "I'm having an internal meltdown but the rest of the world keeps going." I remember thinking It's terrifying because It's like my connection to the world is severed somehow. There's nothing keeping me tethered to Earth. I'm there physically but mentally I'm somewhere else fighting to come back.

Anywhoo, sidetracked... It was a pleasant evening. We caught up a little and left it open to doing it again. Autumn mentioned a once a month thing, which reminded me of what I was thinking about after we finished eating. I was thinking just the same thing. Ericka's classmate put it in my head when she was talking about her "Date Night" with the bestie. I was thinking of having something like that with the "Old Gang". I know we've all drifted apart and we may never be as close as we once were but my hope would be for that to change. To actually get even better then before. Maybe I'll get better at being less guarded and pessimistic and actually let them in my world... and hopefully they will let me in theirs too. We'll see...

hmmm... maybe I should adjust the sails... lol... Sweet Dreams!

50/50

Just got back from watching 50/50 with Ericka and Charlie. It was such a good movie! I laughed, I cried... lol. I give it 5 stars aaand two thumbs up!

 It's about a guy who finds out he has cancer, I know, Sad. . . But its funny and heart warming, as well as thought provoking. I liked it a lot. Me and Charlie had a brief discussion before we said our good-nights about it. . . You see Charlie has seen his share of hospitals and then some!...
I'm not quite ready for the longer version of that conversation we had... yet. Especially right now. I've had three panic attacks in the past few days and I just want them to stop. I feel if we have that talk right now, I might have another one. Anywhoo...

I'm happy to report I am currently not as anxious as I was this morning. I've calmed down considerably. I spent a nice lunch with Ericka and her dental class friends. They were funny and cute. All girls- had to tell Charlie that- lol. It was nice being around a group of girls again. Especially really nice ones. I haven't had that many nice experiences with (and excuse me if I offend) white girls... actually girls in general, lol. They were rather inclusive and easy going. I was surprised I didn't feel all that uncomfortable.

I've mentioned before I tend to feel rather nervous, shy and at times anxious when meeting new people. They however didn't give off any bad or unfriendly vibes, they were rather chatty and funny so that helped ease any anxious feelings I might of started getting... I even contributed to the conversation! Lol.
Went to work- a little late- and got off at ten and went to see a movie.
All in all it was a nice day. :)

Panic Attack!

Today at school I experienced a panic attack. This one lasted a little longer then the rest. I'm not certain why I had it... I can only make assumptions. It was after PE and I was walking back to the girls lockers. My throat started to constrict and my breathing got irregular and I started to get that same feeling I always get. You know the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, that travels all through your body when you hear devastating news. Yeah THAT feeling times 10!

I know it's irrational to think I "know" something bad is coming... that I'm about to die feeling... but I feel soo certain about it. Its hard to stay focused. I had to call Charlie because I felt like I was loosing it, usually I can talk myself down from them and I'm good in a few minutes but this time it felt different. I couldn't talk myself down so I told myself that as soon as you hear his voice everything is going to be ok. I literally felt like I was on the verge of passing out. So I called and talked for a few minutes (I didn't tell him I was panicking) and asked him to come get me... I tried relaxing underneath a tree with some music but the feeling was still there.

I remember reading sometimes they can last longer ... it had been about thirty minutes and the panic was still there. I don't know what made me tell Charlie once he picked me up about it. I didn't want to. lol. I think he knew something was iffy. He kept asking me if I was Ok. It's funny how he can always tell when somethings wrong. <3

There's a few things I've noticed about the recent attacks...and I tried rationalizing why in the car (not out loud) but I started panicking again when I thought it out loud. . .lol does that make sense?
I notice I've fixated on health issues recently. In this case I almost convinced myself I was experiencing some kind of allergic reaction because of the medicine I'm taking... then at the tree I almost convinced myself it might be toxic shock syndrome. Sounds crazy, I know but In my mind its very plausible and rational... I think that's why it's so damn scary, having a panic attack. You are 110% certain imminent danger/death/disaster is here or on its way and you: PANIC.

Yup... That explains it perfectly.

I remember when I got the courage to go see another councilor it was because if this specific problem. I had never had so many in such a short period of time. (within months) Usually I would get one maybe two a year...  they only started a few years ago, but I never really thought about them. I just pushed it aside and felt rather silly afterwards. This time however I knew I had to face that something was wrong. I wasn't certain they were Panic Attacks, that's why I decided to talk to a school therapist. I also made sure I didn't look up the definition of PANIC ATTACK. I wanted to describe what it felt like, in my own words. I wanted to make sure if that's what it really was and not some other problem.

So in the beginning of the year I went and talked to someone... We talked about why I might be experiencing them and alternative solutions besides medication. We barely scratched the surface. She advised me to get a regular councilor. . . you see at school we are only allowed 3 visits a year with the therapist. Which I still haven't done. Why??? Well, there I go again thinking I can fix it all by myself... and fear.



Time for Bed... remind me to tell you what we talked about...

Gossip : Her Truth, His Truth and THEE TRUTH!...

... I don't wish to hurt or point fingers.. I just want my story told... MY side to have a voice. It seems lately (in the beginning as well) that everyone just hears ONE side and automatically assumes its the ENTIRE truth.
Yeah, go ahead and assume. After all what do I care what people I don't even know, or ever met, think about me, those I do know are another story...

Oh... wait... People I DO KNOW are hearing things... bad things about me. Deep down, I think I expected it to happen, but never imagined it would... because I still had that last shred of hope that perhaps I was being paranoid... Like I feel now... That I wasn't in high school and I was being silly. Needless to say my gut feelings were right back then... Lets see how they are now... Perhaps I'm wrong this time...

I would like to say I did seek counsel among mutual friends, in the hopes for advice on what to do, how to proceed... after the initial "TALK" I was freaking lost!.. and seeing as they knew the both of us, what could it hurt! Like I said before I value my friends ALOT , what they say I take to heart. They're opinion means alot.. better then family even (sad but true) because they feel...felt like my family... I had given up on my families opinion of me awhile ago... (on a side note- this changed my outlook on family as well- there wasn't one aspect of my life not involved in this somehow towards the middle or the end of all this!)
So I asked for advice. I felt deep down even though she said we we're fine, we actually weren't... a month had gone by and I wanted to see how she was but my calls, emails, and texts remained unanswered... and when I started reading FB gossip among our mutual friends I REALLY started to feel things were anything but "OK"... I remember asking Farmer about it online. He said it was a good idea to try to touch base again.

...After all gossip is just that, and I wanted more then just rumors ... I wanted the facts... anyhow-side tracked... but I never told anyone my story out of malicious thoughts towards her or in hopes of taking away any friends we shared, or even share now and I said as much to them. ... Even though I could have... to some I had every right to be just as mad at HER, for doing what SHE did... I however perhaps am too forgiving or empathetic... Our stories where the same but different... I had thought about getting to know a man she once loved, further, and she wanted to get to know a man I once had feelings for, further-which she did- (very complicating when feelings start to get involved- and everyone had feelings going every which way- lol)... I thought at one point I could fall in love with Jerry, but the difference was, I DIDN"T fall in love with him... and there was no proof of that possible love ... That and I never had Jerry's baby either... Yeah. ahem* Que in Days of our Lives music!! DU DU DUM!!!  They had proof... Breathing, living, proof of that love... Proof too binding (to me). Just another reason why it was a bad idea, too. One thing I learned about people when working with kids and money: People can get craaazy with their kids and money... Sooo tread safely. 

Sorry, Side tracked AGAIN...back to mutual friends and acquaintances...
In fact she's the one who deleted them, with not even as much as a goodbye. . . I dont know why, I can only assume- perhaps she thought they were closer to me, perhaps she thought they'd judge her?? ...Like I said , no clue why... she even re-friended one of them after she un-friended... even more baffling to me...

Anywhoo, I'm hoping I'm being paranoid again now, because a mutual friend we share ... shared... is no longer on my friends list... LOL sounds silly huh... I'm thinking perhaps she closed it down for the same reason she did last time... and I tell myself, like I did back then when these paranoid feelings came to mind " dont assume, Liz... find out from the source" ...

Which is Why I write: If you want to know my story here it is. Or simply ask me. Don't presume to think you know me and what happened... especially if you only hear one side of the tale. You have no idea what I've been through. I don't judge you so please don't judge me. This I say to my friends, family acquaintances and anyone else who gives a shiit... lol sorry this just brings back feeling of what I felt when I heard people talking about me. So-called friends who didn't so much as even bother to ask me what happened. Needless to say I deleted them. I don't need nor want "friends" like that.

Thanks.
oookay, now i reaally gotta get to bed... clip art later. SIGH*

Days of our lives- or what I like to call "Days of Our Lizzie"

There were so many things going through my mind at the time all this was happening...
Thinking... thinking.. thinking... after, before, during... about what???...
My friends and how well I really knew THEM. How well they really knew ME. My childhood, who I was, why I was the way I was. What I did wrong. What others did wrong. What should have I done?? How I might of handled the situation differently? How I might fix things? Who should I talk to? Who should I NOT talk to?... and the list goes on and on...

but one thing (out of many things) I learned is: "I cant control others actions and reactions, all I can do is be honest and hope for the best" easier said then done. Especially if you would do anything NOT to hurt the people you care about and love. And believe me when I say, from the very beginning, that was the last thing I thought might happen... I never wanted to hurt any one of them. Not Char, Jerry or my close friend ( at least that's what I thought we were,"close"- but another thing I learned is "you can know someone for a long time but never REALLY know them- nor they YOU") only as me and Charlie's chattings progressed- to a first time meeting ( and that's a whole story unto itself) did I think more and more about it. . . and all the drama it might entail - have I mentioned i HATE drama... especially my drama! ( I talked to Farmer briefly about it- he called and wanted to know what was wrong <3 ) FB had clued him on my inner dilemmas. To continue the friendship or not to continue, THAT was the question...

By the end of all this I had put myself in everyone else's position. I tried putting myself in their shoes and feel what they might feel. . . and believe me , as a very pessimistic girl, not all my musings were at all joyful. I felt sadness, anger, betrayal, love, love-loss, the list goes on... I felt sick to my stomach almost everyday that I couldn't get all of this straightened out sooner. And I tried. Over and over again... but I also came to terms with the fact that "you cant make someone face a problem you want to deal with, if they're not ready to deal with it themselves!"

  Thinking about it now... I think I was afraid of finding out, if that's how she really was/ if that was how she really felt... " I didn't trust her enough not to over react... to be like a (excuse my stereotype) A Girl" ... as I mentioned in my earlier blog... but I was also taking in account my previous experiences with people.
From the friends and family I do know- at least somewhat better then her- I knew THEY wouldn't so much approve as to us just even TALKING. So I was thinking perhaps she was the same. I could hear the voices in my head. " I cant believe your talking to him!" " I dont CARE if it was on FB!" " You're breaking the girl code just by talking to him let alone being his friend!".... and then to: "what!? You hung out!???" WHAT??!!, he wants to hang out with you again?!" "Oh Hell nooo!" and soo on and so forth... So when I talked to Farmer, he had sealed it...In Farmers words: "...besides you don't want to go out with a "dead beat"

That took me by surprise-I didn't think about that... I didn't even know if he was one , at the time for all I knew he might of been one!...(piece of advice- "Don't believe everything you hear") it was what I was hearing after all, from him. . . And believe me when I say I take my friends words seriously and to heart. . .  so he had just confirmed my reservations on the whole hanging out again thing. I was gonna take his and my advice and NOT hang out again. (at the time)... after all I was also taking in account my past mistakes (whole other story-that is ,believe it or not, tied to this one)
I do want to say, even though I wasn't thinking about all the bad things I heard back then and the new things I was hearing now- What I WAS thinking about was how much I liked talking to him... how much i liked getting to know him. . . and how Incredibly sad and lonely I'd feel about not having someone take an interest and the initiative to see how I was doing, what i was up to, etc. etc.

Anywhoo back to my initial thought...Farmer said, she had said those things about him- And at the time it didn't cross my mind that Farmer would know that or hear that from anybody else but my Ex-friend.... well, who else WOULD say that, right?? ...was it recent? Was it back then???... She had never said that to me about him. She made it sound like their relationship was fine NOW... she said they were fine before AND during the "talk". Like I said Peachy Keen status. (and that started a whole other mental conversation within myself on : "why would she tell YOU differently." "Why would she say things are ok, when they weren't." -which I had a variety of conclusions to, as well) (and just so you know this timeline of thoughts is definitely scattered!)

All in all I was resigned after that talk with Farmer... After all to me it was one thing chatting and being online friends ... it's different when your REAL friends, in the REAL world.... I should know, it happened before... and ESPECIALLY if you both actually like talking with each other. lol. In my head- and others- It could ONLY lead to drama and shinanigans! Nooo thank youuu!!
but I'm not gonna lie and say it didn't cross my mind. I thought about asking her if it was ok that we hung out, if it was ok if we talked in general, if it was just OK... after all "I am only HUMAN"... I thought about it before with someone else- decided to go ahead and go for it- and then I got burned...I like to think I learn from my mistakes... sometimes..lol.
...but It was too much of a risk. . . and I, my friends, Am NOT a RISK taker. . ." I wasn't about to risk my friendship with her over the mere fact that I just enjoyed talking to him - and after we hung out- the mere fact that I enjoyed hanging out with him.
(Im such a pushover lol)

Like I said my world was kinda messed up... and all because of my damn trust issues!
Talked to my therapist about that- the whole trust issues with women-  I mean if we look at the facts and what she told me before and during the "talk" , the logical conclusion would be NO she's not like that at all. "I cant believe you were afraid of telling her"- was my reaction afterwards. I remember thinking if you just trusted her not to over react (tell her you hung out and played basketball and had decided to be friends) everything would of been ok. . .  But if you take in account her actions and words AFTER then well , lets just say it's a resounding Nooo!...

How it became Telenovela status:

Sorry Im not the best story teller, im going back and forth here- that was in the beginning... In the beginning I was afraid of asking her for "permission" to talk and hang out with him (after we all ready hung out) because of the possible horrific outcomes... her reactions - towards me, towards Charlie, so help me (Such an idiot!) even towards Jerry!... To me it was a story that was never gonna be... nothing happened so lets not rock the boat baby! lol... and like I said earlier about the in their shoes thing- I didn't want to needlessly hurt her, hurt our friendship, her relationship with Charlie, with (and again help me GOD!) even Jerry and her relationship with him. I thought (among a thousand other things) how I would feel if someone I use to Love wanted to spend time with one of my friends.(insert a vast amount of ideas here!!!)
Oops have I mentioned we all (at the time) we're mutual friends??? I think I did... Me, the ex-friend, Charlie aaand Jerry... I guess I forgot to tell you that I use to go out with Jerry... Thats important later on in this tragic story of loss, betrayal, scandal and intrigue... dont worry though it does have a bitter-sweet ending. As only few of you might now.

<3 lol oops I got side tracked!!! sooo...
...when I knew I had to...absolutely HAD to talk to her was when I found out, a mutual friend/Ex (Jerry- at least i thought he was my friend, pfft!)  "implied" that "something" happened between me and her Ex-Charlie.
Que in dramatic telenovela music!! He had not implied we were "just talking", he had not implied we had become "friends"... he had implied we had "S-E-X"... aaaand thats another story yet to be told.
I learned alot, I couldnt believe how blind I was... I never knew people could be so devious and manipulative in real life- Thats telenovela shiit!... oh naive Liz! Even in the real world people have ulterior motives for doing what they do! saying what they say and IMPLYING what they imply. You just learned this lesson the hard way. . .

LOL OH how I wish I was raised differently so I could of handled everything better... Perhaps I wouldn't have had so many panic attacks in those months...lol
...but in the END... I know In MY HEART that I did right by all of them- as best I could- I tried to fix things and I never pretended to be anything less then a friend...

Tired...  Goodnight, yall! ... and stay tuned for The Days of Our Lizzie!!! TBC...

the middle

the middle I wasn't so certain. My feelings were all over the place. . . thinking about it now, I can't believe I thought differently. All though I wasn't the only one telling myself I was going crazy (Leona Lewis-Bleeding Love) so it became rather easy for me to reason why I must of been going crazy. Crazy for thinking we could be friends.
I was writing about him in my paper journal at school...