Lately I've been busy being mad at Charlie... for a number of reasons.
Ultimately I think I have only me to blame. I am not as aggresive with him as I should have been on what needs to be done and as Ive mentioned before his lack of motivation somehow rubs off on me... but I shouldnt blame that on him. If I really pushed myself I would get up and go. . . and I've found that when I find the motivation to get myself in gear, he does too. I just wish he had that on his own.
Im not sure why I am dragging my feet in school... in a way I think that if I dont get things done then they WONT get done... not MY things... OUR things... so my stuff gets pushed to the back burner.
He talked about resentment recently and perhaps that is why I am being uncharacteristicly "mean".
I resent the fact that he has all this "free" time to get things done yet chooses not to. I resent the fact that not only do I have to go to work and school but I have to play "housewife". I am angry that he lets the government screw him over and in turn screw US over.
There has been alot of anger and angry feelings going around as well as sadness...
and for the most part I think I know where its coming from but.... but... theres just so many uncharted feeling I know are lying deep under my skin that I havent quite uncovered.
Charlie agreed to counceling.... but only If I find one that we can go to. :/ siiiigh... I have enough to do on my plate!... Just another thing to feel resentful about... and to to the therapist about. lol
These last few months have been hard... we've both experienced health issues. We have both paid visits to the emergency room.
He says my issues are within my control though, unlike his. Pfft! As if I could have forseen the major bloodloss I experienced... yes, I am and have been anemic for quite some time but I (as well as my doctor) are not completely sure why my body has been going haywire. I am on iron pills as well as BC to regulate my bodies hormones and junk but the doc said it would take a few months to see. See what? If pills fix the problem!? If theres another underlining issue!? If the cyst on my right ovary shrinks?! sigh!
Things arent all bad. It good to know that people care. That they want to help. I am very grateful for the people in my life and I may not be the best person at showing it but I can at least say Im trying... Im learning.... I just need to remember to take it one day at a time.
On a good note. I forgot how much better I feel after having a "Dance session" alone in the bathroom. It would always cheer me up after having a bout of the blues. Im glad i had one today. :D Im also noticing that Im getting some color back to my face, I no longer look super pasty.
