Anxiety !!!

I should be sleeping...

...but here I am. Thinking about a few things. My last fight with Charlie. The few attacks I've had in the last couple of months. My recent outing with old friends.

Have I mentioned I've been a little overwhelmed in the past 2 months? I guess it finally caught up with me physically. Actually I've seen other signs, upset stomach, fatigue, insomnia, chest pain... except last weekend it came in the form of an anxiety attack.

It happened after our first yard sale. My mom and aunts came to "show their support". They bought a few dollars worth of items. I suspect their REAL reason for showing up was to give me "consejos"  , what you would call "advice". They talked about money. How we should pool our money for certain things but to always keep my own nest egg. My aunt talked about her first husband, and how she regrets giving him her paycheck each pay day. How he drank and spent all her money away. It mostly sounded like they we're worried his baby's mama was gonna take all my money, though. My mom said that what she made the govt do to our dad. Lol. I dont have much. But what I do have I know we need to make this whole move happen. I dont mind. Like I told Heather, Im in this 100 percent.

I told my mom I know what Im doing. Why is it that people always have so little faith in my abilities?!? I am not a child, even though I feel like one at times... and I am definitely treating like one most of the time! Im not sure if it was that conversation combined with the lecture I received from Charlie that morning combined with my recent outing with old friends aaaand running into some old school and work friends, that was the climax to the break down...

I had the same uneasy feeling like I did last time. Same chest pain. Same shaky hands and voice. Then my arm starting tingling, then the other and soon it was all my limbs. I called Ericka hoping the feeling would subside, because one of the paranoid thoughts I had at that moment -besides the feeling of doom-was that something bad happened to her and that's why she never responded to my texts the night before. I wish she had been there- she has a calming effect on me... usually, lol, but I know she cant ALWAYS be there. I cant put all my problems and thoughts on her shoulders. She's got a life too. I gotta say I am grateful for having her in mine. <3

Uuuunfortunately talking to her did not help much with the feeling this time...lol... the feeling of sensory overload followed by a detachment of the world. I said goodbye because i felt like crying. I remember reassuring myself in my own head. "Everything's ok, you're fine... breath..." but my eyes started watering after Charlie said something...  I cant remember what he said... the feeling is like trying to grasp on to the world but it's (or you) is floating away. It's terrifying.

We got to his mom's. I know I was overly quiet but I had to concentrate on staying "here" concentrate on relaxing... taping my foot seemed to help a little. The Vicodin she gave me helped a lot though lol.

I should go to bed...
Goodnight.

Happy note: I have tomorrow off. I havent had a sunday off in alooong time. Yay! and Ericka invited us to their annual Super Bowl party. Double yaay!!

Some of my favorite quotes...

Nothing angers mean spirited people more then being Happy... Sooo forget about their anger and cruelty, it's not your problem (you got your own problems, lol)... be Happy ... <3 -Me

Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you.
-Loretta Young

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.
-Tom Robbins

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.
-A. A. Milne  

"By the time we make ends meat, someone moves the ends"...
...the one you love will think the sun shines out your ass... (Juno)

... We've gone too far... (Harold and Kumar go to Whitecastle)

I can't tolerate intolerance!
I'm not open to close minded people (stolen from Christian Locatell)

 You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it.  But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.  People forget.  ~Author unknown, attributed to an 8-year-old named Jessica

At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.
-Plato 

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.  ~Author Unknown

 You know when you have found your prince because you not only have a smile on your face but in your heart as well.  ~Author Unknown

Come live in my heart and pay no rent.  ~Samuel Lover
Romance is dead - it was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.  ~Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I.  ~Michel de Montaigne

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.  ~Javan

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.  ~Nora Ephron, When Harry Met Sally

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.  ~Jonathan Carroll, "Outside the Dog Museum"

An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.-
Buddha

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.
-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.
-Joseph Roux

Always write angry letters to your enemies. Never mail them.
-James Fallows

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
-Buddha

Moving out in 8 Days!!!

Hello JD,
Alot has happened once again. . . but due to school, work and the whole moving out and time for stressing, I havent had much time to write.

So first things first moving out! Our move in date is February 10th. At the moment we are stressing about money for rent and utilities. I started out very happy and optimistic about the move (I've been wanting to move out since I was a little girl!) but It's hard to stay that way because Charlie is even more pessimistic then I am!!! I know, WOW, here I thought I was Debbie downer, but he makes my Debbie look like the Optimistic olivia.... LOL... ok enough kidding.

When we told his mom she had some concernes but was all around happy for us. :) She asked Charlie, why he didnt look so happy, lol. - I told her he was like that the entire day. . . He told me he was going through in his head what we needed to do to make this happen (he's done this whole flying the coop thing a few times) but since then I feel like all I hear is problem after problem... worry after worry... (and it caught up with me this last weekend) so I told him well It sounds like we werent ready to move... I also told him If it happens GREAT if not, what can we do??? Yes We'll be out 500 bucks but Its too late to look back now...
As of this moment all I know is : I WANT TO MOVE OUT!... Come Hell or High water!! We ARE moving!
We had a yard sale last weekend and we plan to have another this weekend. Hopefully we'll do as good as we did last week.