So much for my Fairy tale...

Perhaps thats all it was... just a Fairy tale. A fictitious story that had to come to an end .... because all fairy tales have an ending... but is it over? I have so many thoughts running though my head. Im not sure which line of thinking I should follow. Siiiigh.

Trying....

 

These last few months have been difficult and I dont see the future getting any easier but here I am TRYING. I cant say Im not trying. With a little more disipline and faith I hope things keep getting better...

Anemia Blows!

I hate being tired all the time.
Im irratable.
Im moody.
I wish I had more self discipline... maybe then I could get rid of all my health issues.
I have yet to make a doctors appointment and Im overdue for one. I forget to take my iron pills and birth control. i.e the Birth control helps with the anemia, I dont loose so much damn blood! Imagine bleeding 20-25 days outta the month! Bet you'd be irratible too!!!
I should go to bed.... I just finished some homework. It's for my online course. Uuuugh! I need to get myself in check soon, otherwise I dont see me getting a good grade in this class. :(
I start work this Sunday and my free time will be drastically decreased! :(

Goodnight.

Summer Over!!

I start school next week. Introduction to Physical Anthropology. Art for Children. Observing and Recording Behavior. and Computer Keyboarding. Im also trying to add Health, Safety and Nutrition for Young Children. After these I only need two more Child Dev. classes to finish my AA in Chld Dev.


Im incredibly tired right now... im literally fighting to keep my eyes open so i guess i wont be catching up on my blogging....
sigh...

ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... ttyl.... hopefully.

Lizzie

Breath Liz... Breath....

I find myself with a little time to write :) Today was my last final and I can honestly say I am rather relieved of having one less thing to worry about at the moment: School. I had started out with 14 units this semesters and ended up with 5. I am partially glad I decided to drop more then half my course work because I definitely was not focused on work this semester and cant imagine how on earth I would of passed any of those harder classes. Even now I am unsure of my grades in the remaining four classes, I might have to retake one or two.

This past couple of months it has felt as though my mind has been constantly preoccupied. When Im at work Im thinking of school and home issues, when Im at school Im worrying about work and home issues.. etc. etc. I think my mind has reached its full capacity in thoughts and has spilled over into my here and now so I have been unable to be in the Here and Now.

I recently talked to my teacher about possibly taking her courses again and the difficulty I've had staying focused in her class. Needless to say when ever I open up a little about my personal problems I began to cry. I wasnt completely surprised. If i think about it lately Ive kept so much in , i was bound to explode sooner or later. (that was only one out pouring of emotion Ive had this week)

I went to see a therapist today. I know Ive been putting it off for over a year now but seeing as I've been incredible emotional lately I figured I should do something about it. Especially since I will be starting the summer program soon. I asked for a leave of absence from work to take care of all these issues, which was not my original plan but one that I felt had to be made.

What I had wanted to do was work at Target in the mornings and the summer program in the afternoons but I was told I couldnt limit my schedule that much. I thought Greeeat something else to worry about. So I went to talk to our HR rep to try to figure something out. Sigh. I started crying  in the middle of our talk. I didnt tell her this but I felt as though I was being put between a rock and a hard place, either I quit so I can do this summer job (which only last 3 months) and loose my only means of support or not be able to show up to some days im scheduled to work and eventually get fired and STILL loose my only means of support.

By the end of the meeting I was told that it was up to me to decide what i wanted to do: They told me that they would work with my schedule and if I decided to ask for the leave that theyd support that too. Siiigh.... If they had just approved my availability in the first place I wouldnt have had this minor break down. . . but I guess I should be glad because I think this is my bodies way of telling me somethings wrong and I need to fix it.

Im not sure if its an emotional problem or medical problem or even a combination of both but hopefully with the help of my therapist and doctor I can figure out whats going on...

It might just take some time...

So Much Catching up to do!!!

Saying I am just a little behind on EVERYTHING is an understatement. There is sooo much to do... and soooo much to worry about. I have asked for a week off from work in the hopes that I can get caught up in all my work.

Lately I've been busy being mad at Charlie... for a number of reasons.
Ultimately I think I have only me to blame. I am not as aggresive with him as I should have been on what needs to be done and as Ive mentioned before his lack of motivation somehow rubs off on me... but I shouldnt blame that on him. If I really pushed myself I would get up and go. . . and I've found that when I find the motivation to get myself in gear, he does too. I just wish he had that on his own.
Im not sure why I am dragging my feet in school... in a way I think that if I dont get things done then they WONT get done... not MY things... OUR things... so my stuff gets pushed to the back burner.

 He talked about resentment recently and perhaps that is why I am being uncharacteristicly "mean".
I resent the fact that he has all this "free" time to get things done yet chooses not to. I resent the fact that not only do I have to go to work and school but I have to play "housewife". I am angry that he lets the government screw him over and in turn screw US over.

There has been alot of anger and angry feelings going around as well as sadness...
and for the most part I think I know where its coming from but.... but... theres just so many uncharted feeling I know are lying deep under my skin that I havent quite uncovered.

Charlie agreed to counceling.... but only If I find one that we can go to. :/ siiiigh... I have enough to do on my plate!... Just another thing to feel resentful about... and to to the therapist about. lol

These last few months have been hard... we've both experienced health issues. We have both paid visits to the emergency room.

 He says my issues are within my control though, unlike his. Pfft! As if I could have forseen the major bloodloss I experienced... yes, I am and have been anemic for quite some time but I (as well as my doctor) are not completely sure why my body has been going haywire. I am on iron pills as well as BC to regulate my bodies hormones and junk but the doc said it would take a few months to see. See what? If pills fix the problem!? If theres another underlining issue!? If the cyst on my right ovary shrinks?! sigh!

Things arent all bad. It good to know that people care. That they want to help. I am very grateful for the people in my life and I may not be the best person at showing it but I can at least say Im trying... Im learning.... I just need to remember to take it one day at a time.

On a good note. I forgot how much better I feel after having a "Dance session" alone in the bathroom. It would always cheer me up after having a bout of the blues. Im glad i had one today. :D Im also noticing that Im getting some color back to my face, I no longer look super pasty.

Plus it's good to know Charlie and me still love and care about one another despite the fact that we are both up to our wits end with each other!

Broken...

Not a good day.... Apparently Im as broken as I thought I was...

I dont have much time to write... again... so I'll summarize a few of  my thoughts ...
I feel like all I do is sleep and work... work and sleep...
My body feels old...
I want to get up and go but I have no motivation... and it doesnt help that Charlie doesnt have any either...
I feel when ever things seem to be getting better, they are in fact worse...
I do not like when Charlie reminds me of those facts...
So I am between a limbo of feelings... or how he put it... lack there of : Unfeelings... Is that a word?
Siiigh...

Snail Mail: New Years Resolution!!!

I have been wanting to write about this for some time but again NO TIME to write :(

To save time here's the link to my idea Snail Mail New Years Resolution! ... I hope to keep my updates on this project here.

My resolve to do this event,- forget about the insecurities and pessimistic thoughts aside - was when I started reading 365 Thank You Notes by John Kralik I told myself "see its not a dumb idea!" forget about the possibility that no one will want to participate... just DO IT!

.. and since then the world has kept telling me to continue...

So many things on my mind....

I haven't had time to write lately, I can't even remember the last time I did. . . where to begin? Should I talk about our recent drama with the ex? The coinsidence that doesn't seem like just a coinsidence? The things that cameout of that. . . or should i talk about the frightening eighteen hours in the hospital and all the worries that came after? ... Not all bad though, we had a get together  for Charlie's birthday... and I got to see an old friend...

Settling in...

i  havent had much time to write. school has started and weve been settling into our apartment. ive met one of my neighbors. shes incredibly nice and has a dog named copper. poor puppy got hit by a car too. he has a puppy wheel chair to help him get around now. marley has gottten a lil use to him, theyve met a few times now. our neighbors who live directly above us are loud. but other then that Im enjoying the place :D Its nice to go home and not worry.

Anxiety !!!

I should be sleeping...

...but here I am. Thinking about a few things. My last fight with Charlie. The few attacks I've had in the last couple of months. My recent outing with old friends.

Have I mentioned I've been a little overwhelmed in the past 2 months? I guess it finally caught up with me physically. Actually I've seen other signs, upset stomach, fatigue, insomnia, chest pain... except last weekend it came in the form of an anxiety attack.

It happened after our first yard sale. My mom and aunts came to "show their support". They bought a few dollars worth of items. I suspect their REAL reason for showing up was to give me "consejos"  , what you would call "advice". They talked about money. How we should pool our money for certain things but to always keep my own nest egg. My aunt talked about her first husband, and how she regrets giving him her paycheck each pay day. How he drank and spent all her money away. It mostly sounded like they we're worried his baby's mama was gonna take all my money, though. My mom said that what she made the govt do to our dad. Lol. I dont have much. But what I do have I know we need to make this whole move happen. I dont mind. Like I told Heather, Im in this 100 percent.

I told my mom I know what Im doing. Why is it that people always have so little faith in my abilities?!? I am not a child, even though I feel like one at times... and I am definitely treating like one most of the time! Im not sure if it was that conversation combined with the lecture I received from Charlie that morning combined with my recent outing with old friends aaaand running into some old school and work friends, that was the climax to the break down...

I had the same uneasy feeling like I did last time. Same chest pain. Same shaky hands and voice. Then my arm starting tingling, then the other and soon it was all my limbs. I called Ericka hoping the feeling would subside, because one of the paranoid thoughts I had at that moment -besides the feeling of doom-was that something bad happened to her and that's why she never responded to my texts the night before. I wish she had been there- she has a calming effect on me... usually, lol, but I know she cant ALWAYS be there. I cant put all my problems and thoughts on her shoulders. She's got a life too. I gotta say I am grateful for having her in mine. <3

Uuuunfortunately talking to her did not help much with the feeling this time...lol... the feeling of sensory overload followed by a detachment of the world. I said goodbye because i felt like crying. I remember reassuring myself in my own head. "Everything's ok, you're fine... breath..." but my eyes started watering after Charlie said something...  I cant remember what he said... the feeling is like trying to grasp on to the world but it's (or you) is floating away. It's terrifying.

We got to his mom's. I know I was overly quiet but I had to concentrate on staying "here" concentrate on relaxing... taping my foot seemed to help a little. The Vicodin she gave me helped a lot though lol.

I should go to bed...
Goodnight.

Happy note: I have tomorrow off. I havent had a sunday off in alooong time. Yay! and Ericka invited us to their annual Super Bowl party. Double yaay!!

Some of my favorite quotes...

Nothing angers mean spirited people more then being Happy... Sooo forget about their anger and cruelty, it's not your problem (you got your own problems, lol)... be Happy ... <3 -Me

Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you.
-Loretta Young

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.
-Tom Robbins

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.
-A. A. Milne  

"By the time we make ends meat, someone moves the ends"...
...the one you love will think the sun shines out your ass... (Juno)

... We've gone too far... (Harold and Kumar go to Whitecastle)

I can't tolerate intolerance!
I'm not open to close minded people (stolen from Christian Locatell)

 You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it.  But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.  People forget.  ~Author unknown, attributed to an 8-year-old named Jessica

At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.
-Plato 

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.  ~Author Unknown

 You know when you have found your prince because you not only have a smile on your face but in your heart as well.  ~Author Unknown

Come live in my heart and pay no rent.  ~Samuel Lover
Romance is dead - it was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.  ~Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I.  ~Michel de Montaigne

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.  ~Javan

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.  ~Nora Ephron, When Harry Met Sally

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.  ~Jonathan Carroll, "Outside the Dog Museum"

An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.-
Buddha

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.
-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.
-Joseph Roux

Always write angry letters to your enemies. Never mail them.
-James Fallows

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
-Buddha

Moving out in 8 Days!!!

Hello JD,
Alot has happened once again. . . but due to school, work and the whole moving out and time for stressing, I havent had much time to write.

So first things first moving out! Our move in date is February 10th. At the moment we are stressing about money for rent and utilities. I started out very happy and optimistic about the move (I've been wanting to move out since I was a little girl!) but It's hard to stay that way because Charlie is even more pessimistic then I am!!! I know, WOW, here I thought I was Debbie downer, but he makes my Debbie look like the Optimistic olivia.... LOL... ok enough kidding.

When we told his mom she had some concernes but was all around happy for us. :) She asked Charlie, why he didnt look so happy, lol. - I told her he was like that the entire day. . . He told me he was going through in his head what we needed to do to make this happen (he's done this whole flying the coop thing a few times) but since then I feel like all I hear is problem after problem... worry after worry... (and it caught up with me this last weekend) so I told him well It sounds like we werent ready to move... I also told him If it happens GREAT if not, what can we do??? Yes We'll be out 500 bucks but Its too late to look back now...
As of this moment all I know is : I WANT TO MOVE OUT!... Come Hell or High water!! We ARE moving!
We had a yard sale last weekend and we plan to have another this weekend. Hopefully we'll do as good as we did last week.