Panic Attack!

Today at school I experienced a panic attack. This one lasted a little longer then the rest. I'm not certain why I had it... I can only make assumptions. It was after PE and I was walking back to the girls lockers. My throat started to constrict and my breathing got irregular and I started to get that same feeling I always get. You know the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, that travels all through your body when you hear devastating news. Yeah THAT feeling times 10!

I know it's irrational to think I "know" something bad is coming... that I'm about to die feeling... but I feel soo certain about it. Its hard to stay focused. I had to call Charlie because I felt like I was loosing it, usually I can talk myself down from them and I'm good in a few minutes but this time it felt different. I couldn't talk myself down so I told myself that as soon as you hear his voice everything is going to be ok. I literally felt like I was on the verge of passing out. So I called and talked for a few minutes (I didn't tell him I was panicking) and asked him to come get me... I tried relaxing underneath a tree with some music but the feeling was still there.

I remember reading sometimes they can last longer ... it had been about thirty minutes and the panic was still there. I don't know what made me tell Charlie once he picked me up about it. I didn't want to. lol. I think he knew something was iffy. He kept asking me if I was Ok. It's funny how he can always tell when somethings wrong. <3

There's a few things I've noticed about the recent attacks...and I tried rationalizing why in the car (not out loud) but I started panicking again when I thought it out loud. . .lol does that make sense?
I notice I've fixated on health issues recently. In this case I almost convinced myself I was experiencing some kind of allergic reaction because of the medicine I'm taking... then at the tree I almost convinced myself it might be toxic shock syndrome. Sounds crazy, I know but In my mind its very plausible and rational... I think that's why it's so damn scary, having a panic attack. You are 110% certain imminent danger/death/disaster is here or on its way and you: PANIC.

Yup... That explains it perfectly.

I remember when I got the courage to go see another councilor it was because if this specific problem. I had never had so many in such a short period of time. (within months) Usually I would get one maybe two a year...  they only started a few years ago, but I never really thought about them. I just pushed it aside and felt rather silly afterwards. This time however I knew I had to face that something was wrong. I wasn't certain they were Panic Attacks, that's why I decided to talk to a school therapist. I also made sure I didn't look up the definition of PANIC ATTACK. I wanted to describe what it felt like, in my own words. I wanted to make sure if that's what it really was and not some other problem.

So in the beginning of the year I went and talked to someone... We talked about why I might be experiencing them and alternative solutions besides medication. We barely scratched the surface. She advised me to get a regular councilor. . . you see at school we are only allowed 3 visits a year with the therapist. Which I still haven't done. Why??? Well, there I go again thinking I can fix it all by myself... and fear.



Time for Bed... remind me to tell you what we talked about...

Gossip : Her Truth, His Truth and THEE TRUTH!...

... I don't wish to hurt or point fingers.. I just want my story told... MY side to have a voice. It seems lately (in the beginning as well) that everyone just hears ONE side and automatically assumes its the ENTIRE truth.
Yeah, go ahead and assume. After all what do I care what people I don't even know, or ever met, think about me, those I do know are another story...

Oh... wait... People I DO KNOW are hearing things... bad things about me. Deep down, I think I expected it to happen, but never imagined it would... because I still had that last shred of hope that perhaps I was being paranoid... Like I feel now... That I wasn't in high school and I was being silly. Needless to say my gut feelings were right back then... Lets see how they are now... Perhaps I'm wrong this time...

I would like to say I did seek counsel among mutual friends, in the hopes for advice on what to do, how to proceed... after the initial "TALK" I was freaking lost!.. and seeing as they knew the both of us, what could it hurt! Like I said before I value my friends ALOT , what they say I take to heart. They're opinion means alot.. better then family even (sad but true) because they feel...felt like my family... I had given up on my families opinion of me awhile ago... (on a side note- this changed my outlook on family as well- there wasn't one aspect of my life not involved in this somehow towards the middle or the end of all this!)
So I asked for advice. I felt deep down even though she said we we're fine, we actually weren't... a month had gone by and I wanted to see how she was but my calls, emails, and texts remained unanswered... and when I started reading FB gossip among our mutual friends I REALLY started to feel things were anything but "OK"... I remember asking Farmer about it online. He said it was a good idea to try to touch base again.

...After all gossip is just that, and I wanted more then just rumors ... I wanted the facts... anyhow-side tracked... but I never told anyone my story out of malicious thoughts towards her or in hopes of taking away any friends we shared, or even share now and I said as much to them. ... Even though I could have... to some I had every right to be just as mad at HER, for doing what SHE did... I however perhaps am too forgiving or empathetic... Our stories where the same but different... I had thought about getting to know a man she once loved, further, and she wanted to get to know a man I once had feelings for, further-which she did- (very complicating when feelings start to get involved- and everyone had feelings going every which way- lol)... I thought at one point I could fall in love with Jerry, but the difference was, I DIDN"T fall in love with him... and there was no proof of that possible love ... That and I never had Jerry's baby either... Yeah. ahem* Que in Days of our Lives music!! DU DU DUM!!!  They had proof... Breathing, living, proof of that love... Proof too binding (to me). Just another reason why it was a bad idea, too. One thing I learned about people when working with kids and money: People can get craaazy with their kids and money... Sooo tread safely. 

Sorry, Side tracked AGAIN...back to mutual friends and acquaintances...
In fact she's the one who deleted them, with not even as much as a goodbye. . . I dont know why, I can only assume- perhaps she thought they were closer to me, perhaps she thought they'd judge her?? ...Like I said , no clue why... she even re-friended one of them after she un-friended... even more baffling to me...

Anywhoo, I'm hoping I'm being paranoid again now, because a mutual friend we share ... shared... is no longer on my friends list... LOL sounds silly huh... I'm thinking perhaps she closed it down for the same reason she did last time... and I tell myself, like I did back then when these paranoid feelings came to mind " dont assume, Liz... find out from the source" ...

Which is Why I write: If you want to know my story here it is. Or simply ask me. Don't presume to think you know me and what happened... especially if you only hear one side of the tale. You have no idea what I've been through. I don't judge you so please don't judge me. This I say to my friends, family acquaintances and anyone else who gives a shiit... lol sorry this just brings back feeling of what I felt when I heard people talking about me. So-called friends who didn't so much as even bother to ask me what happened. Needless to say I deleted them. I don't need nor want "friends" like that.

Thanks.
oookay, now i reaally gotta get to bed... clip art later. SIGH*

Days of our lives- or what I like to call "Days of Our Lizzie"

There were so many things going through my mind at the time all this was happening...
Thinking... thinking.. thinking... after, before, during... about what???...
My friends and how well I really knew THEM. How well they really knew ME. My childhood, who I was, why I was the way I was. What I did wrong. What others did wrong. What should have I done?? How I might of handled the situation differently? How I might fix things? Who should I talk to? Who should I NOT talk to?... and the list goes on and on...

but one thing (out of many things) I learned is: "I cant control others actions and reactions, all I can do is be honest and hope for the best" easier said then done. Especially if you would do anything NOT to hurt the people you care about and love. And believe me when I say, from the very beginning, that was the last thing I thought might happen... I never wanted to hurt any one of them. Not Char, Jerry or my close friend ( at least that's what I thought we were,"close"- but another thing I learned is "you can know someone for a long time but never REALLY know them- nor they YOU") only as me and Charlie's chattings progressed- to a first time meeting ( and that's a whole story unto itself) did I think more and more about it. . . and all the drama it might entail - have I mentioned i HATE drama... especially my drama! ( I talked to Farmer briefly about it- he called and wanted to know what was wrong <3 ) FB had clued him on my inner dilemmas. To continue the friendship or not to continue, THAT was the question...

By the end of all this I had put myself in everyone else's position. I tried putting myself in their shoes and feel what they might feel. . . and believe me , as a very pessimistic girl, not all my musings were at all joyful. I felt sadness, anger, betrayal, love, love-loss, the list goes on... I felt sick to my stomach almost everyday that I couldn't get all of this straightened out sooner. And I tried. Over and over again... but I also came to terms with the fact that "you cant make someone face a problem you want to deal with, if they're not ready to deal with it themselves!"

  Thinking about it now... I think I was afraid of finding out, if that's how she really was/ if that was how she really felt... " I didn't trust her enough not to over react... to be like a (excuse my stereotype) A Girl" ... as I mentioned in my earlier blog... but I was also taking in account my previous experiences with people.
From the friends and family I do know- at least somewhat better then her- I knew THEY wouldn't so much approve as to us just even TALKING. So I was thinking perhaps she was the same. I could hear the voices in my head. " I cant believe your talking to him!" " I dont CARE if it was on FB!" " You're breaking the girl code just by talking to him let alone being his friend!".... and then to: "what!? You hung out!???" WHAT??!!, he wants to hang out with you again?!" "Oh Hell nooo!" and soo on and so forth... So when I talked to Farmer, he had sealed it...In Farmers words: "...besides you don't want to go out with a "dead beat"

That took me by surprise-I didn't think about that... I didn't even know if he was one , at the time for all I knew he might of been one!...(piece of advice- "Don't believe everything you hear") it was what I was hearing after all, from him. . . And believe me when I say I take my friends words seriously and to heart. . .  so he had just confirmed my reservations on the whole hanging out again thing. I was gonna take his and my advice and NOT hang out again. (at the time)... after all I was also taking in account my past mistakes (whole other story-that is ,believe it or not, tied to this one)
I do want to say, even though I wasn't thinking about all the bad things I heard back then and the new things I was hearing now- What I WAS thinking about was how much I liked talking to him... how much i liked getting to know him. . . and how Incredibly sad and lonely I'd feel about not having someone take an interest and the initiative to see how I was doing, what i was up to, etc. etc.

Anywhoo back to my initial thought...Farmer said, she had said those things about him- And at the time it didn't cross my mind that Farmer would know that or hear that from anybody else but my Ex-friend.... well, who else WOULD say that, right?? ...was it recent? Was it back then???... She had never said that to me about him. She made it sound like their relationship was fine NOW... she said they were fine before AND during the "talk". Like I said Peachy Keen status. (and that started a whole other mental conversation within myself on : "why would she tell YOU differently." "Why would she say things are ok, when they weren't." -which I had a variety of conclusions to, as well) (and just so you know this timeline of thoughts is definitely scattered!)

All in all I was resigned after that talk with Farmer... After all to me it was one thing chatting and being online friends ... it's different when your REAL friends, in the REAL world.... I should know, it happened before... and ESPECIALLY if you both actually like talking with each other. lol. In my head- and others- It could ONLY lead to drama and shinanigans! Nooo thank youuu!!
but I'm not gonna lie and say it didn't cross my mind. I thought about asking her if it was ok that we hung out, if it was ok if we talked in general, if it was just OK... after all "I am only HUMAN"... I thought about it before with someone else- decided to go ahead and go for it- and then I got burned...I like to think I learn from my mistakes... sometimes..lol.
...but It was too much of a risk. . . and I, my friends, Am NOT a RISK taker. . ." I wasn't about to risk my friendship with her over the mere fact that I just enjoyed talking to him - and after we hung out- the mere fact that I enjoyed hanging out with him.
(Im such a pushover lol)

Like I said my world was kinda messed up... and all because of my damn trust issues!
Talked to my therapist about that- the whole trust issues with women-  I mean if we look at the facts and what she told me before and during the "talk" , the logical conclusion would be NO she's not like that at all. "I cant believe you were afraid of telling her"- was my reaction afterwards. I remember thinking if you just trusted her not to over react (tell her you hung out and played basketball and had decided to be friends) everything would of been ok. . .  But if you take in account her actions and words AFTER then well , lets just say it's a resounding Nooo!...

How it became Telenovela status:

Sorry Im not the best story teller, im going back and forth here- that was in the beginning... In the beginning I was afraid of asking her for "permission" to talk and hang out with him (after we all ready hung out) because of the possible horrific outcomes... her reactions - towards me, towards Charlie, so help me (Such an idiot!) even towards Jerry!... To me it was a story that was never gonna be... nothing happened so lets not rock the boat baby! lol... and like I said earlier about the in their shoes thing- I didn't want to needlessly hurt her, hurt our friendship, her relationship with Charlie, with (and again help me GOD!) even Jerry and her relationship with him. I thought (among a thousand other things) how I would feel if someone I use to Love wanted to spend time with one of my friends.(insert a vast amount of ideas here!!!)
Oops have I mentioned we all (at the time) we're mutual friends??? I think I did... Me, the ex-friend, Charlie aaand Jerry... I guess I forgot to tell you that I use to go out with Jerry... Thats important later on in this tragic story of loss, betrayal, scandal and intrigue... dont worry though it does have a bitter-sweet ending. As only few of you might now.

<3 lol oops I got side tracked!!! sooo...
...when I knew I had to...absolutely HAD to talk to her was when I found out, a mutual friend/Ex (Jerry- at least i thought he was my friend, pfft!)  "implied" that "something" happened between me and her Ex-Charlie.
Que in dramatic telenovela music!! He had not implied we were "just talking", he had not implied we had become "friends"... he had implied we had "S-E-X"... aaaand thats another story yet to be told.
I learned alot, I couldnt believe how blind I was... I never knew people could be so devious and manipulative in real life- Thats telenovela shiit!... oh naive Liz! Even in the real world people have ulterior motives for doing what they do! saying what they say and IMPLYING what they imply. You just learned this lesson the hard way. . .

LOL OH how I wish I was raised differently so I could of handled everything better... Perhaps I wouldn't have had so many panic attacks in those months...lol
...but in the END... I know In MY HEART that I did right by all of them- as best I could- I tried to fix things and I never pretended to be anything less then a friend...

Tired...  Goodnight, yall! ... and stay tuned for The Days of Our Lizzie!!! TBC...

the middle

the middle I wasn't so certain. My feelings were all over the place. . . thinking about it now, I can't believe I thought differently. All though I wasn't the only one telling myself I was going crazy (Leona Lewis-Bleeding Love) so it became rather easy for me to reason why I must of been going crazy. Crazy for thinking we could be friends.
I was writing about him in my paper journal at school...

A friendship that Almost Never Was... the beginning...

Cant sleep. . . Breaking Bad is getting really good. I'm almost on the last episode of the first season. Tsk. Tsk. I should be studying for my first aid/CPR class. I have a quiz on Monday on the first 5 chapters.
Yet here I am procrastinating AGAIN. 

Thinking about Charlie. How lucky I am for having someone that Loves me. Someone that looks at me like I'm the greatest thing that ever happened to him in a long, looong time. I feel the same way... I felt like that when we first started talking, without even knowing it... I would look forward to his IM's on Facebook, more and more as our Facebook friendship grew. Perhaps because he was my only tie left to the outside world. A last little piece of happiness that still cared enough to make me smile...

We talked about nothing. Random things, silly things, life... Cant remember everything we talked about, too bad Facebook didnt archive that far back. Only recently have they started archiving not only emails sent but chats as well. Cyber chatting is the new talking, the new telephone, the new getting to know someone...
I rember talking to him about this later on. Talking on facebook takes away all the insecurities one has. It allows you (or at least it did to Me) to be more expresive. To showcase my personality with out the fear of actually being in the same room with someone. Ive always had this insecurity when talking to people I hardly know. Or for any new person Im meeting. So to say the least, my first impressions have never been that great on people I first meet.

Take CF first impression of me, he said he thought I was a Bi-atch. lol Not very friendly, I think. Perhaps I'll ask him again to elaborate. Once he got to know me he said he liked me.. i think lol, Im pretty sure lol. :) Its not the first time people have told me I've been less then utterly friendly. Its not that Im not, its just that I am THAT shy when first meeting people, so some people interprete that as being cold. I am anything but cold. Sometimes I wish I was..

I think he got to see pieces of me few ever get to see or notice for that matter. He got to talk to funny, witty, smart and open Liz. The complete Liz. .. he made it easy though.
I remember me and Charlie talked about this in length after seeing this documentary about this guy who befriends a little girl on the www and all her close family members and friends, only to find out they were all ONE person. She talks about how they were all a part of her and that the cyber world helped her be who she really was inside, because in the real world it want so easy... and looking at her I very much doubt he would of talked to her in passing let alone fall in love with her, which is what he felt like was happening. He was falling for a girl he had never even set eyes on, just merely talked to online.

Anyways , we talked about how some of the things she was saying was exactly what I started thinking about and feeling at the moment.  I was her, except instead of breaking up all of me into different characters I was just one character : ME.
I mentioned earlier that we talked about nothing and everything... but one thing that did cross my mind- but didn't really worry about it (until I had to- brings us back to my don't rock the boat mentality and non-confrontational Liz)- about what we should talk about, was that he was one of my then friends Ex's. Du du dum! Que in dramatic music for the telenovela!

It crossed my mind that perhaps I should tell her that we were chatting here n there but instead I asked him if he had mentioned it instead. (seeee non-confrontational Liz- lol - I didnt want to assume she was the jealous ex type, nor the she's the jealous friend type- "my friend!") He said he had, which was good enough for me, at the time-and later on when me and my then friend had "The Talk" I asked her if it was true, she said it was, he haaad mentioned it. . .

...another thought that crossed my mind was that perhaps I should ask her if it was ok to chat with him... but I dismissed that seeing as we were just chatting...and her knowing and not talking to me about it- in my mind- vetoed the jealous anything type... ..after all we were JUST FB friends. . . and in the FB world that hardly counts as "friend". .  I never dreamed he could actually like like me...as my childhood friends and me would put it when talking about boys... So everything was peachy keen! I heard things were great between them from her and he never talked badly about their current relationship in a negative way either.. all though It never really hit me that he hardly ever talked about her, unless I brought her up or if it involved the "baby" (he's five now). "peachy keen" Pfft! Little did I know! lol
Anywhoo... Its getting late. It's definitely waaay past this gals bedtime.

Sick :(

Not a very good weekend. I have a throat infection. Same one I always get every year, except this year it's a little early. Every time the weather changes drastically I come down with it. Luckily enough I'm only on day three and have some meds! I was afraid they weren't going to give me anything because It hadn't reached full blown I-feel-like-dying pain yet, but they just looked at my chart for like a minute and prescribed me what they gave me last time, since I had the same symptoms as always. Well, actually I had chest pain this time too. It sucks!

Charlie and me waited almost three hours for me to see a doctor, who I only saw for less then five minutes! Then like always they try to charge me over a hundred bucks for meds I can get at Target or WallMart for fraction of the price!... I went to Target, used my discount. This time Monday I hope to have no symptoms. Yaay! Unfortunately for Charlie, he may not be so lucky. All he has is Nyquil and well wishes. Boo! Good thing he has time better, I on the other hand have missed two days of work and school, which is no bueno!

I think I'll take one more day then go back to work on Monday. :-D

Isolation...

... another story... as I mentioned in the previous blog my feelings of being alone and I literally got waaaay off topic and wrote this instead of finishing my original thought, lol. I think I do that a lot, but instead of leaving it a jumble of topics on one blog I figured I'd organize my thoughts a little. Here's what I wrote:

FRIENDS:
My friends where nowhere to be found. I wasn't about to call them up and ask them if they could come get me so we could hang out like "old Times" (it had been a few months) To me I could no longer call them up and set up a get together among the, what I like to call "the Old Gang", (because I no longer had wheels). . .

I started thinking of all my past adventures.. places, people and things I missed... still miss... but mostly what I missed was the people. My friends. The human interaction... especially with the people that didn't make me feel like crap for whatever reason... 

anyways, I starting thinking ALOT about this... The only "Old friend" I hang out with now is Ericka <3 She calls me, texts me, invites me to places, etc etc. I'm beginning to understand why it might of been so damn easy for Stephens to permanently erase me from his life... all of us from his life.

I cant really blame him, or the others. . . I stopped calling to hang out -because I didn't want to burden them with coming to get me. I stopped calling them in general- I didnt want to be a bother, I figured they were busy. Besides Ive never really liked talking on the phone... or Am I doing now what Ive ALWAYS done, and I am making excuses for them... for me? After all, friendship is a two way street... maybe I need to realize that this road has become a desolate road.

...  Life just Happens... People grow older, and some just grow apart...

And then we build new friendships. Find new people that bring back that joy you've lost along the way... One person comes to mind and makes me smile. . . He was definitely an unexpected friend... one that I looked forward to chatting with. Who made me smile and helped me and gave me advice... Who was there for me, when everyone else was nowhere to be found.

Women.

Why is it Women have to hate on other women to make themselves feel better?

Whats the Matter!! : MONEY!!!

It's the weekend and I got out of my Music for young children class, not too long ago. . . and since I have time to spare I wanted to write. Write about what? you ask... There's so many thoughts going through my head at the moment.

WORK, which = MONEY
...and I'm definitely not making enough. I have too little hours and no real interest in moving up in the company. I have been thinking about switching to another part of the store and getting out of Backroom. Have I mentioned I work at Target?? Oops. ... Well that's where I work. Most of the time I work by myself, unless you count "the Ghost" that works back there too. It gets eerily quite back there sometimes and at first I rather enjoyed the quiet. No yelling, screaming, nagging, accusing, belittling, etc. etc. noises of the day... just complete and total silence. Unfortunately I didn't realize how loud my own thoughts were.

1. I was getting more and more depressed about life.
2. My friends
3. My family
4. My future

I was thinking about how I was gradually getting more and more melancholy. Mostly because I was missing the things I did when I had transportation. Visiting my friends, going out, getting away from my house... pretty much everything. At the time I was relying on Jordan for escape. He sufficed for what I needed at the time, and Im sure I was the same to him. He wasn't a great guy but he wasn't a bad one either.  I was grateful for the company even though I knew he was a temporary fix of happiness.
How did I lose my car you ask?
  I had lost my car because I couldn't make the payments in time. Sooo Rodolfo took it back- he's my father but I don't really call him that- The definition of that word does not describe him- at least not to me, I'm sure his other children call him Dad, and in every sense of the word it may describes him perfectly... to them...

-anyways that's another story...sooo  I had money issues and It was getting harder and harder for me to make the payments, a lot of the times they were late.. well, not late on the bill but late for me... You see they linked his credit card to the payment account they set up so If I didn't pay in time It came out of the CC... then I would pay his CC account. Sounds complicating?? ...Well, Its true what Ricky Ricardo said "Nunca aga negocio's con parientes ni amigos!" That means never do business with family or friends. Needless to say that caused a little drama but that's also another story as well...

... I wasn't too troubled about loosing the car, I had known it was only a matter of time... a matter of time until I'd be too late in paying and people would get mad. I wasn't sure If he would get mad, seeing as I had little to no knowledge of what he's like, so I wasn't too worried about him. Who I worried about , and their reaction , was of course my mother. She's gonna blow her top! she's gonna scream and yell at you, perhaps even smack you... Not hard enough to really hurt for long, of course... after all she wasn't like those parents and guardians you hear on the news or papers that beat the living daylights out of their kids. She is a part of a good percent of the human population that uses what our society calls "corporal punishment". This form of punishment, was at a time, even condoned at schools. A punishment I hope never to use, if I'm lucky enough to have children one day that is.

 She however rarely uses that type of punishment anymore, we are rather too old for that to be all that menacing.... as a child the fear of getting hit was far worse then the actual hitting. She likes to use her words mostly, now. Piercing, hateful words when she's really angry..Words that very much so contributed to my downward mood and feelings of isolation... It wasn't until this time that I truly realized how incredibly isolated I was... but that too is another story...

Where was I??? I've done it again...lol... off track. What was I talking about??? aaah, yeeees, MONEY and TRANSPORTATION soooo I had been using my brothers car. It worked out nicely, because he needed someone to makes the payments... and I needed a cheap car... and since his car payment was dramatically less then what I was paying a month I took it up in order for him not to lose the car. Perfect! So I had a ride for a little while longer...  but then he got a job and then moved out and he took the car I finished paying for with him... and that my friends is the sad little story on how I lost my car and my rent-a-car.

Oh how I wish I made enough to be able to save up for a car!
I wish I had money period! Everything costs money! Food, clothes, books, cars... the list is endless.

However, I am looking into a volunteer position that might lead to a better paying job. Its an after school program but the only thing I'm missing at the moment is a TB test. The last one I took was over 2 1/2 yrs ago. I definitely need to get on that.
Oooh you are such a PROCRASTINATOR!!!... and You get off topic easily!

GTG. <3

Bleeding Love

Today at school while listening to Pandora (and trying to Jog) this song came on... I've heard it before and It was one of the most played songs on my old Ipod... and It made me relive how it felt to have an internal as well as external struggle on starting to feel Love for someone that I "wasn't suppose to have any feelings for" Let alone LOVE!!!

 I have probably a thousand songs that remind of certain memories and people and since I haven't written in a while I figured I'd write about this lovely and heart wrenching song today. :) 

I've said this countless of times (first time on here) I LOOOOVE MUSIC!!! It heals my heart and soul. Even the sad songs that bring up old memories make me smile (now, lol, not when I was sad at the time) When ever I've been sad in certain periods of my life I can always reference certain songs or artists to that period in time. Music is definitely a healing power. Anywhooo Im rambling... with this last thought on to the song!

BLEEDING LOVE

by Leona Lewis

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater than the risk that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding

Too tired and sore, plus I have school tomorrow morning, otherwise I could tell you exactly how every lyric pertains to the soap opera I call my then and now Love-Life. . .