I teared up this morning thinking about it after I got off the phone with Charlie. Lately, my emotions have been on high. Ever since Lizzie's epiphany's of 2011, they've been on a roller coaster ride. Ups and downs, highs and lows. I think it's because I've spent most of my life reeling in my emotions. I've tried so hard and gotten use to it over the years that now I'm overflowing with old and new emotions, there's just no more room or strength left to hold anymore in. . . and now I'm more aware and willing to try to understand them... understand myself. Anyways...
So I cheered up and told myself to stop worrying/being sad about it (with the help of Julia). Its done, its over, move on... you'll get certified next semester... get more sleep, add more alarms and don't fuck it up next semester! The End. (I'm learning not to be so pessimistic and stop focusing on everything that's wrong in my life- fix what I can and move on- all though it's hard not to dwell- and beat myself up for it) I'm also learning not to be so harsh on myself... so critical. After all you got your family to continue doing that for you.
... Then, when I was starting to get ready for my next class, and I went to turn on the faucet, no water came out. I used drinking water to wash my face and brush my teeth.Oh joy. So I grabbed my purse plugged my ears with music (music helps cheer me up) and left to catch the bus. Got there and that weird guy who picks up the trash was there, I smiled (I smile at everyone) and he says something to me... I took off my head phone because I couldn't hear anything and he started to chat with me. I'm glad my phone rang, lol, It was my brother Nestor. I could hear Yan in the background yelling.
She was upset that I didn't pick up the phone. Apparently she called me while I was walking to the bus stop. She wanted to know if her phone worked. In my head "I'm sorry I wasn't available to you at your convenience, forget the fact that I couldnt hear a damn thing." She yelled some more, asked me where I was, I told her I didnt need a ride... she said some more stuff... and yelled "I'm half way back anyways" and hung up. Crap. Does that mean she forcing a ride on me? Usually I have to bribe her or sit and hear her yell for a few minutes before I get a ride. (all though lately she has been giving me rides to school- but I think it's mainly because we have 2 classes together) So I thought: Grreeeeat. Cuz that's what I need right now... someone yelling at me... (I teared up slightly- I was frustrated and angry-Pretty much any surge of emotion makes me tear up now a days- *when you're young and don't have the words to express what you feel- tears are readily available- yet like I said over the years I learned to reel those in)
A little thing about me "I stop Listening, once you start yelling" and Yelling louder doesn't help me listen any better, so you might as well save your breath and stop talking. Why do people do that... just because your upset, had a bad day, or mad because something I did or didn't do- doesn't mean I have to stand there and let you YELL at me. . . There's other ways to vent... I can hear you just fine, If not BETTER when I'm not being yelled at... but then again I'm use to people yelling at me... at one point It was even under my job description... but I'm sure as hell not getting paid to hear you do it! So I walk away or tune you out.
Something I noticed about myself... I don't yell back ( most of the time), I do it when my buttons are pushed to the brink or I'm all ready upset and you just triggered the bomb I've been holding in the pit of my stomach. And I don't know if I refrain from yelling back (whenever I'm being yelled at) because I'm USE to it or just because I DON'T CARE anymore. Lately I have though, lol... I've yelled back, talked back... whatever young whipper snappers do when arguing with people. I am NOT a young whipper snapper. I am a grown-ass woman! ... lol... Then again, I've noticed a lot of "grown ups" act like teenagers...
I definitely flunked High school Drama 101. I was never much for causing scenes... It feels good though ... to act the way I never did before and In a way it makes people see themselves. See me yelling at you!? See me causing a scene!? See how pointless arguing this way is???! GOOD, you see yourself now?!? GREEAT! I'll stop yelling now! ... however I guess it's a process we HAVE TO go through... to LEARN how to deal with arguments in a socially acceptable way. . . as a child I don't think I learned any way though. Avoidance. . . that's the way I learned to deal. Prevention, avoidance and resignation.
PREVENTION:
Over the years I learned. Don't rock the boat. Do what your told. Don't ask for anything. Don't talk about your feelings. Don't voice opinions , ESPECIALLY those that don't match the norm.... in fact why don't you just say as little as possible, because nothing you say is right and you WILL get yelled at, be excluded and made to feel like shiit.
AVOIDANCE:
When there is a problem: avoid it, if at all possible! Avoid having arguments and conversations that COULD lead to arguments. If someone hurt your feelings or if you're angry, upset, sad and pretty much any negative feeling you may be having about ANYTHING... Avoid them. No one wants to hear them anyways and you'll just upset people if you do. I know YOU"RE upset, but that doesn't really matter.
RESIGNATION: Give up before you even try. Be resigned to the fact that you cant fix a problem, an argument or any other hard thing in life. Be resigned that things are the way they are, you'll never amount to anything and why try to fix things, you know you cant do it anyways, so I'm just gonna yell at you so you might as well just listen and do what I say.
*If all you do is yell at your child for making mistakes and don't allow them the opportunity/gain the skills to fix them... all you're teaching them is how to hide their problems and mistakes from you. <--- something I heard in class aand can relate to. After all who wants to go to their parents and get yelled at for an hour, made to feel even WORSE then they all ready do and then not given a CHANCE to make things right. This goes for little-big things.
*Sigh ... I feel better... I could go on but I wont... I need to get ready for work.
Happy thoughts...Happy thoughts...Happy thoughts...Happy thoughts...!!!
Thanks for writing this x
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