Women.

Why is it Women have to hate on other women to make themselves feel better?

Whats the Matter!! : MONEY!!!

It's the weekend and I got out of my Music for young children class, not too long ago. . . and since I have time to spare I wanted to write. Write about what? you ask... There's so many thoughts going through my head at the moment.

WORK, which = MONEY
...and I'm definitely not making enough. I have too little hours and no real interest in moving up in the company. I have been thinking about switching to another part of the store and getting out of Backroom. Have I mentioned I work at Target?? Oops. ... Well that's where I work. Most of the time I work by myself, unless you count "the Ghost" that works back there too. It gets eerily quite back there sometimes and at first I rather enjoyed the quiet. No yelling, screaming, nagging, accusing, belittling, etc. etc. noises of the day... just complete and total silence. Unfortunately I didn't realize how loud my own thoughts were.

1. I was getting more and more depressed about life.
2. My friends
3. My family
4. My future

I was thinking about how I was gradually getting more and more melancholy. Mostly because I was missing the things I did when I had transportation. Visiting my friends, going out, getting away from my house... pretty much everything. At the time I was relying on Jordan for escape. He sufficed for what I needed at the time, and Im sure I was the same to him. He wasn't a great guy but he wasn't a bad one either.  I was grateful for the company even though I knew he was a temporary fix of happiness.
How did I lose my car you ask?
  I had lost my car because I couldn't make the payments in time. Sooo Rodolfo took it back- he's my father but I don't really call him that- The definition of that word does not describe him- at least not to me, I'm sure his other children call him Dad, and in every sense of the word it may describes him perfectly... to them...

-anyways that's another story...sooo  I had money issues and It was getting harder and harder for me to make the payments, a lot of the times they were late.. well, not late on the bill but late for me... You see they linked his credit card to the payment account they set up so If I didn't pay in time It came out of the CC... then I would pay his CC account. Sounds complicating?? ...Well, Its true what Ricky Ricardo said "Nunca aga negocio's con parientes ni amigos!" That means never do business with family or friends. Needless to say that caused a little drama but that's also another story as well...

... I wasn't too troubled about loosing the car, I had known it was only a matter of time... a matter of time until I'd be too late in paying and people would get mad. I wasn't sure If he would get mad, seeing as I had little to no knowledge of what he's like, so I wasn't too worried about him. Who I worried about , and their reaction , was of course my mother. She's gonna blow her top! she's gonna scream and yell at you, perhaps even smack you... Not hard enough to really hurt for long, of course... after all she wasn't like those parents and guardians you hear on the news or papers that beat the living daylights out of their kids. She is a part of a good percent of the human population that uses what our society calls "corporal punishment". This form of punishment, was at a time, even condoned at schools. A punishment I hope never to use, if I'm lucky enough to have children one day that is.

 She however rarely uses that type of punishment anymore, we are rather too old for that to be all that menacing.... as a child the fear of getting hit was far worse then the actual hitting. She likes to use her words mostly, now. Piercing, hateful words when she's really angry..Words that very much so contributed to my downward mood and feelings of isolation... It wasn't until this time that I truly realized how incredibly isolated I was... but that too is another story...

Where was I??? I've done it again...lol... off track. What was I talking about??? aaah, yeeees, MONEY and TRANSPORTATION soooo I had been using my brothers car. It worked out nicely, because he needed someone to makes the payments... and I needed a cheap car... and since his car payment was dramatically less then what I was paying a month I took it up in order for him not to lose the car. Perfect! So I had a ride for a little while longer...  but then he got a job and then moved out and he took the car I finished paying for with him... and that my friends is the sad little story on how I lost my car and my rent-a-car.

Oh how I wish I made enough to be able to save up for a car!
I wish I had money period! Everything costs money! Food, clothes, books, cars... the list is endless.

However, I am looking into a volunteer position that might lead to a better paying job. Its an after school program but the only thing I'm missing at the moment is a TB test. The last one I took was over 2 1/2 yrs ago. I definitely need to get on that.
Oooh you are such a PROCRASTINATOR!!!... and You get off topic easily!

GTG. <3

Bleeding Love

Today at school while listening to Pandora (and trying to Jog) this song came on... I've heard it before and It was one of the most played songs on my old Ipod... and It made me relive how it felt to have an internal as well as external struggle on starting to feel Love for someone that I "wasn't suppose to have any feelings for" Let alone LOVE!!!

 I have probably a thousand songs that remind of certain memories and people and since I haven't written in a while I figured I'd write about this lovely and heart wrenching song today. :) 

I've said this countless of times (first time on here) I LOOOOVE MUSIC!!! It heals my heart and soul. Even the sad songs that bring up old memories make me smile (now, lol, not when I was sad at the time) When ever I've been sad in certain periods of my life I can always reference certain songs or artists to that period in time. Music is definitely a healing power. Anywhooo Im rambling... with this last thought on to the song!

BLEEDING LOVE

by Leona Lewis

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater than the risk that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding

Too tired and sore, plus I have school tomorrow morning, otherwise I could tell you exactly how every lyric pertains to the soap opera I call my then and now Love-Life. . .

Love Letters (Journals continued...)

 .... I remember writing him on facebook a while back. I guess one could consider it a love letter... to me it was more of a Thank You and Goodbye letter. I had felt as If my entire world was crumbling, I was loosing people I cared about left and right and I told myself basically " What the hell! You might as well just tell him how you felt about him...Towards the end you were actually foolish enough to think maaaybe, just maaaybe... sooo what else do you got to loose!!" ...besides he was the only one willing to listen...

I had deleted him from my facebook  but I wanted to tell him what I was feeling for him towards the end of our brief friendship.. one that had become my choice, to end...

...and the easiest way...

After all I was and still am the queen of avoiding conflict...after all  I never learned the skills to cope with it properly- so my book says...

and that's what It felt like... a problem, I didnt know how to fix... and thats what I desperately wanted to do: Fix It!
I had thought that saying goodbye would fix everything... or so I thought... I was tired of living a soap opera. Listening to my head, my heart, my so called friends. . .
...however, I didn't know it then but I was feeling bad for all the wrong reasons... and ending it for all the wrong reasons... I was also forgetting that I was only Human. - You're not a super human Liz. You cant fix everything... especially if you're the only one willing to try.

I feel as though I need to start from the beginning of that year...
The Journals I found the other day paint a brief picture of what I was feeling that year. It was definitely not a good year for me towards the end. Towards the end, the only good thing I gained that year was his friendship... and I had decided to let it go...

Siiigh! Its time for bed... Sweet Dreams.

Journals

I found two unfinished journals in my suitcase today. They're dated last year, so they are the most recent. They look so unfinished... I read a few entrees. I still surprise myself sometimes about what I write about. Sometimes I remember, sometimes I have no clue what I'm referring to... It's just pure unfiltered thoughts I have.

Charlie wanted to read the one he gave me a few months back. I, of course said no. It's hard for me to let him read what Ive written about him. He doesn't even know I have this online journal... I told him I don't have that much time to write, which is true. I have school, work and him to keep me busy... maybe that's why I find myself writing after Midnight... under the moonlight. -Patsy Cline reference there, I love her voice. I enjoy writing. I enjoy putting words on paper or in this case on the wonderful world wide web.

These look like the one he gave me, he bought it at the Ren Fair.

Charlie asked me to write him a letter today. He recently found an old letter I wrote him, describing how I felt about him. I, too have love letters from him. Virtual love letters. He said he would write one too.  He said I should write what ever I want but he did throw in a few questions, lol, : Am I happy? How does he make me feel? ... Two very simple yet complex questions...

...Early day tomorrow...

If it wasn't for you....

... I would of been sent to the looney bin by now...


I'm referring to a very close friend of mine. I mentioned earlier about not liking to vent out my frustrations, well she is the only one I have ever vented to about people, places, things, etc. She is one of the few people I can be myself with. I'm not shy, quite, reserved Liz. I am outgoing, talkative, funny Liz. I am very grateful she is in my life. I think if I didn't have her to let some of those pent up aggressions out, I would of definitely exploded and gone crazy by now.

My love, her and me we're talking, aka Venting, about certain sad, unpleasant and rather frustrating things we're going through right now. And in the mists of our conversation I told her "I don't trust women, except for you" LOL Which I've only recently realized. I didn't really know that about myself. . . or perhaps I did I just never took the time to think about it. My books - and I will be referring to them a lot- say that its because I never formed a secure attachment to my own mother.The therapist I saw at school said I had abandonment issues. No wonder I felt so alone at times! The first therapist helped me deal with the father-abandonment issue a bit and now apparently I have abandonment issues with my mother as well! Which for someone looking into my life from the outside might think it absurd. It did to me. I told the therapist so. lol.

Sigh.... I must sleep. School. tomorrow.

Cant sleep....

There's too much to think about. School. Money. Work. The Boyfriend. The Friends. The Family. LIFE. I wish I had some kind of magic tape recorder that could record my thoughts and ideas so I can read them out loud later on in the day when I can think and reflect what it is I'm trying to figure out.
but then again...

Sooo lets write about my day... Today I went to work, stayed a few extra hours, mostly because I need the extra money, otherwise I wouldn't have stayed. I don't like my job very much, sad but true. There's just way too much time for me to think there. lol. What I do takes very little brain power and so It likes to think and wander while I work. After work I played racquetball for the very first time. It was rather fun, reminded me of my tennis days. I didn't try to hard to win though, mostly because I was still a little sore from school. I ran a mile in about 12 minutes on Thursday. I was going to half jog, half walk but I remember my little love bird told me to push myself, sooo I went for trying to jog the entire 12 minutes, and I did it! Except a day later I felt incredibly sore. My body is definitely out of shape. I've gained 8 almost 9 lbs in the last couple of months. "this Happy weight is making me depressed..." -something I said to a friend. So I'm hoping this class helps me loose a few of those pounds I picked up.

Afterwards we went to The Hat and had a bag of fries and hamburgers. Yeees, I felt guilty. My eating habits definitely don't help my goal, but Its hard to go from junk food to healthy food! Junk food taste sooo good!!

Friday
We went to Lucky Baldwins this last Friday. Charlie wanted to have a small celebration, on a count that I finished my first week of school. I told him It wasn't that hard, we basically just read the syllabus and leave early in every class the first week of school, but he said that doing school and work isn't an easy thing to do sooo We Celebrate!... with beer... lol... and food of course. I thought I was going to see a few old friends but sadly i did not. However I still had a lovely dinner with my love. We went to an old hang out of mine, from back in my "party all the time" phase. A little dive bar called the Colorado. I was surprised that the bouncer remembered my face... lol. I was a regular though. We picked a few songs to hear outta the jukebox, our picks were the very last to be played, but at least we got to hear them. It was fun, despite the serious talk we had about certain things in our lives. I wish I could say the hours after that were fun too but we had a small tiff. I blame my inability to regulate my emotions... that and the alcohol didn't help. It's very frustrating for me...

So I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for him... My books say It's not my fault that I cant regulate my feelings normally. After all I was never thought that when I was little. We didn't talk about our feelings or emotions. So saying a simple thing as " You hurt my feelings when..." "I'm mad at you because..." ... "I'm sad because..." etc. etc.  is still very foreign to me. Our actions always expressed our feelings. If I was mad, I wouldn't speak to you, I would stay away and avoid you. If I was sad, I'd hide it and dwell upon it later. If I was hurt, I'd make excuses for those who hurt me... hmmm ... to much to write and think about when it comes to that... anyways.... Eventually I got around to telling him what was bothering me and we basically kissed and made-up.

This is one of my favorite quotes... I have ALOT of favorites.
I'm glad Charlie is patient with me. VERY patient, but sometimes I think he just doesn't quite understand why its sooo difficult for me ... but it is. I always know what i want to say, I just cant bring myself to actually say it. I'm working on it thought... I know its gonna take sometime...

...its getting late.