Halloween Weekend!

So what was I this Halloween? Me and Charlie were Zombies! Prom date Zombies to be exact. Lol. It's both a first for both of us, the matching couple costumes, not just the being undead thing. It's funny how I always have the most fun getting dressed up then the actual event. I bought this beautiful fluffy white dress at Goodwill, and we destroyed it with fake blood and dirt. Ericka bought Charlie his tweed prom suit, at least I think it was tweed... aka Old Man suit. <3 Her.

All dressed up and nowhere to go!
Upto the last minute we had no idea where or what we were doing. We were considerably low on funds. Sad day. So our choices were limited to anything FREE! We actually ended up staying at his roomies housemates party for most of the night. We did venture off for an hour or so to Pasadena and tried going to a party I was invited to on Facebook. This was one creepy looking house, three stories, Victorian looking, awesomeness! For the most part everyone was dressed to the T! We only wish we would of gone earlier because when we got there it was packed! The ONE bar they had, had an endless line!

I would of stayed longer and mingled but according to Charlie it's different when your a couple. Do couples not mingle? I've never couple mingled but I'd like to give it a try. lol...  Yan, Krys and her friend ended up going to the 35er even though they started off at Charlie's with us and were going to go with us to the house party. On a side note they drove over a curb while making a U-turn, that was pretty funny. Ericka stayed with us and found her white rabbit. Lol. She was dressed as Alice and on our way to the house party we came across a white rabbit near the sidewalk. Cool! and funny!

Anywhoo! We went back to the party and drank and ate until it was down to a few people talking around the camp fire. I like small groups. It's big social gatherings that scare me... all though alcohol helped. lol Charlie mentioned Ericka mingling, and said he was glad she was having a good time. I told him she has always been a social butterfly... it's usually others being the stuck up's who wont socialize back. It reminded me of the time Ericka met Tylers friends... ugh. I wasn't surprised though they hardly spoke to me, and I was his girlfriend!

Uh oh... outta time! Ttyl!

Thoughts Ive had- The one about me being TOO Forgiving.

Unfinished thoughts...

Saturday, July 23, 2011 at 10:05am

"Im slow to anger and eager to forgive."

Ive been thinking... I know crazy huh... about the people who have done things that aren't necessarily good... and Ive managed to forgive and forget... not that something doesn't change because of it...
but thinking about it and talking to a friend about it i had to ask : " am i too forgiving?'...
I didn't think i was, at least with issues and morals I'm adamant about... but thinking about it... i think with people i hardly know i think im not... i can think of a time 2 people i know basically did the same thing and in one case I made excuses for them and was willing to forgive and forget and in the other i was livid, unwilling to hear or try to understand why... the difference you ask... well one was a friend i've known for a long time the other an acquantance i was begining to get to know... perhaps i never really knew them... im beginning to think its like that with alot of people...

i think everyone's like that... I think perhaps  i might be a little too forgiving with the people I've come to know and Im all to willing to make excuses for them instead of thinking perhaps they're not who i thought they were... they're not the people i want them to be...or perhaps i don't want to see it, confront it... when i hear excuses im all too willing to believe them with out question... Are we all eager to understand and forgive our friends for the things that they do or say ... or is that just me???  Or perhaps they never we're our friends to begin with...

hmmm... Perhaps to some, or most I am too forgiving but to me I had always thought why sweat something that small?... that meaningless... its stupid... it doesnt matter... i am willing to move past it... and i think, as i mentioned before  its because of the good/bad ratio... is it worth a fight??? is it worth the possible hurt feelings? is it worth the anxiety?? is it worth loosing someone I care/appreciate/love/etc.etc???.... at least, Thats how it felt like and knowing what i know know and still learning a few new things on the subject, i find myself feeling rather silly and dumb founded by my inability to see it ... its like staring at a puzzle or a question, taking hours, days or perhaps years to finish or answer and when you finally do , you cant beleive how you could have missed it!!!... the answer was that simple , that clear... and you feel ridiculous for taking sooo damn long on finishing the puzzle or finding the answer to that question...  ... but something I learned in one of my classes, and im paraphrasing... -one cant move beyond conflict if its never resolved-... soo the little things DO matter... its what leads to the big things...

...so dont fear conflict, dont fear talking about the little things and if it does lead to a fight or hurt feelings or whatever! well at least you can say youve dealt with it , and have the opportunity to move on... and if something so small in your eyes could never break the love, trust, respect, etc etc you have for that individual then you must beleive that they feel the same way... and wouldnt want to loose you either and value the friendship just as much...  and if they dont... all though heartbreaking as it might feel at the time... you will eventually feel better... because well the word and meaning of friendship means what it means for a reason...  hmmm trust that they feel the same ...hmmm... easier said then done... and seeing as the small stuff brings anxiety and fear of course the BIG stuff that happened took a toll on me, emotionally and physically...  and Ive gained some insight on why.... buuuut thats a whole other story....
ok enough typing... aparently ive been typing for the past three hours... :P

Sponge Bob!

GOODNIGHT!

Facebook Correspondence... The one about saying Goodbye.

• • Ive been thinking about what you and what you said to me last....
    You said you wanted to talk among other things on that last text you sent me... theres a few things i wanna ask... say... etc..i dont wanna make assumptions.. and if there is still somethings you wanna ask me too then give me a call. preferably tomorrow after 12 before 5... or perhaps this weekend , i work but im off by 6 pm.... ive been busy with school and work and life in general soo my schedule is crazy... if you dont wanna talk anymore then ok... we'll leave things as is...
    Take care. Liz
• 

  March 3

  Jerry

  • Liz I would love to talk to you. It really made me sad when you didn't want to talk to me anymore. I felt like a lot has changed and we are meant to be talking. Your a good person. I miss you. Ill try and call you tomorrow between 12 and 5. Life is def crazy right now.
    The only thing that bothers me if we talk is that I promised your sister that I would not try to contact you. Is there anyway, to be fair, that we can get permission from your sister. I might be an Asshole but I have changed whether anyone believes it. Let me know. Ill try to call you tomorrow. Bed time now. Just barely finished doing work for the day. Ugghhh.
    
     So we met soon after at Denny's. We talked for a few hours... small talk and serious. I remember not telling anyone I was going to go see him... talk to him. I knew what people would say " Are you NUTS! After what he did?!" ... and I was right. Charlie was angry and I'm pretty sure Yan thought I was crazy when I told her about it... but I felt Great. I felt good because I told him what he did... to hurt me, to loose my friendship... I told him WHY I was mad. I had never told anyone my negative feelings towards them. I had never told anyone "IM ANGRY AT YOU BECAUSE ____________" "You hurt me because_________" ....It felt cathartic.
    ... afterwards I no longer thought I was making assumptions... I KNEW for certain that everything he said not only sounded like lies but WERE lies- how? Well thats the main reason I wanted to speak face to face- he said it himself- it was written on his face... and all though I said I'd try to rebuild our friendship, after that talk, I knew that was impossible. Perhaps If he had admitted the TRUTH to me, perhaps then I would of been able to TRY ... everything he said was an excuse... pretty words... they meant nothing anymore.
• 
  
• 

  May 31

  Lizbeth Sanchez

  • I would of responded earlier but Ive been busy...
    Sorry Jerry. I thought about it and I cant be your friend... for quite a few reasons. I actually wrote them down but i feel its pointless to tell you. I dont think you care. i Cant help what i think now... things happen. People change. My opinion of you has changed and I hear trust can be regained but Im just too dam busy with a number of things to give it a go at being friends with you again.... Simple fact: I trusted you, now I dont. im too busy trying to fix myself to worry about you. And i have worried about you. and not only you everyone involved. .... but now im ready to worry about me. Im content with the fact that I did everything in MY power to be a good friend to all three of you and Ive come to the terms that I cant control other peoples actions, reactions, or beliefs.
    I wish you the happiness Ive come to find because of this bittersweet chapter in my life. Im learning alot about myself and working on my issues.
    Take care.
• 

  May 31

  Jerry W

  • Good for you. I might have somehow made a facial expression when lying. Sorry to break your trust with that. I care about you.. take care. Good luck to you. Thugs are going great for me. Haven't had a drink in over a month now. Before that barely any. Got a job. Have a car. Hope just as much good is coming your way
• 

  June 2

  Lizbeth Sanchez

  • Why is it that every word you say sounds wrong... unbelievable, and makes me have a renewed feeling of anger towards you after hearing them?... You're sorry that you broke my trust with that lying expression??! ... i guess i should be somewhat happy for you that you're finally admitting you lied and are taking responsibility for your facial expressions... You care about me??? Then why would you ever even IMPLY such a thing?! I guess i dont blame her for not believing me, i blame you. i blame you that i lost a friend. I learn from my mistakes. I wasnt about to jeopardize my friendship with Amanda. And i know i will never truly know what THE truth is. I told you before its interesting how 2 people can have different sides to a story, you and amanda's story differed slightly over who's idea it was to go out. Truth is you both wanted to, just like you and me, doesnt matter that you pursued me rather relentlessly (i think) and that i was on the rebound from a 4 year relationship and that some asshole neighbor of mine violated me not too long ago, all that doesn't matter. We're all adults here, we made a choice. Found out, it wasn't a good one... one try for me two for you.... maybe more, i don't know... doesn't matter... i thought you cared about me... even a little but know im not sure you EVER did... i can say i truly did when we were "together"... i gave you a second chance because you only burned me once... it didn't work out but we had good times, i thought... I'd be rather stupid if i gave you a third chance now... there's no such thing as third chances... People you care about, you usually would trust and want whats best for them... wouldn't imply things about them... I never lied or implied... you even thought i lied back then, now im thinking it's probably because you lied...and in this situation you thought i lied again...you said i kept something from you...which is true, the fact that he showed interest in me as more then just a friend... but i never lied...you didnt NEED to know that... now Im really glad i didnt tell you, who knows what you would have done with that peice of info... so dont tell me you care about me ...or amanda or charlie for that matter... who implies to a friend that they think that their other friend slept with the father of their child? who (and you told me this too) tells a friend that you 'think' that same father wants to get back together with them, without even knowing that for a fact and now that i think of it i cant help but think that hearing that was probably for my "benefit", and who brings a friend right smack in the middle of drama between their ex and a mutual friend? ... anyways this is stupid this is all in the past... i guess maybe i should of sent that list... there's still a few reasons why its impossible for you and me to be friends... you blamed amanda for me not talking to you... that was silly...you only had you to blame for me not talking to you... and you only have you to blame for me not being your friend now... sigh* ok , sorry about that... moving on.
    Glad things are going well for you... I really do hope more good things come to you and i said this before (not to you) and i can say it again now, to you, and i can probably say it because i got some more things off my chest, again sorry about that, theres no point in telling a person what you think they did wrong... they either know or dont...i admitted to what i thought i did wrong.. but i guess as people , we just want others to admit what we cant help but believe...sigh* anyways, im not angry at you anymore, i feel bad for you...i hope someday you'll find a girl that you will trust.... completely. Looks like you have trust issues too. . . And here's 2 more cents... dont forget everyone has a past , something they arent proud of, so do you, and the person you fall in love with and completely trust , wont care about that past...hopefully you wont care about hers either...
    Take Care and Goodluck.
• 

  June 2

  Lizbeth Sanchez

  • typo* story differed about who's idea it was to ask "permission" i meant. lol.... that sounds sooo silly now... like i said we're all adults... we do what we want, its called choices... you would of gone through with what you wanted even if i had objected... you both were friends and had preconceived ideas about the other... im sure we all appreciate learning things on our own and not just taking another persons word for it...

Thoughts I've had: The one about Letting Go...No more second chances.

I wrote this after I talked to Jerry. He caused me so much heartache... I'm not sorry I gave him another chance at being my friend... I'm just sorry he used my friendship to get into my ex-friends pants... It was deja vu, I just didn't realize it... I wasn't asking the right question... once that hit me.... i knew.

"...i have tried, i took a step, but realized it was impossible to continue any more and though i felt bad for saying it, i let them know and moved on ...im a sound believer of second chances and for me Ive been known to give more... more then some people I know would... even though im 100 percent sure there's no such thing as 3rd 4th or 5th chances, I'd like to think that some people just need a few extra chances... especially on the little things... the things one can move past... for those who believe in" three strikes youre out" "One time was enough" and all the other sayings, well thats your perrogative, and of course for me I definitely think that way on certain moral aspects and personall beliefs... after all we are and think what we think because of those beliefs and experiences...

...but like i said i beleive some people just need a little more help because I think that some things are just that hard for people to do... change is hard for anyone I'd imagine.... so for a person who ONLY knows a certain way, how to be a crertain way, how to treat a certain way... i would imagine they need a little help... especially if you say you care and feel some sort of love, compassion, pity, hope, friendship, etc, etc -for that person... and because of that you WANT to give them a few more tries ... buuuut and this is a big but... how  many tiimes can THEY make the same mistake before WE say enough is enough, im tired, im done, your on your own, i dont beleive you anymore...????...

And for me ... Ive always grasped on to the good... the great... the funny... Ive grasped on to those memories ... but again after awhile you realize theyre not changing, and even though they say they want to or they are or they have changed... well actions speak louder then words ... and at one point the good memories can no longer overcome the bad... and you realize THIS is the best for you and even perhaps them... because maybe... just Maaaybe they will finally realize what they are doing wrong because you arent looking back anymore ...

...and wont ever again and they lost the love, compassion, pity, hope, friendship, etc, etc -you once had for them... there's nothing left ...nothing left for them... not even hate... soo I thanked them for the new insight, the new lessons learned and asked them rather politely- cuz thats me- to please PLEASE leave me alone... lose my number, lose my email, lose whatever links you have to contact me, because I was DONE... and I appreciated all the kind words... but to me in the end... thats all they became... JUST words..."

Thoughts I've had- The one about PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS

 When it comes to other peoples stories... Is it bad that I want to understand ??? ... Maybe it is... Im giving myself a headache thinking about the  intricacies of ideas, thoughts, and reasons why people make the choices that they do, say the things they do, act the way they do... can you try to empathize with someone you might not otherwise empathize with? Is it easier to empathize with the down and out of luck man/woman then the well dressed business man/woman? what about a prostitute you see walking down the streets of LA compared to the high end call girl in Beverly Hills? Does it depend on the story.... but then again are you even willing to hear their story.... perhaps your only inclined to listen to one. WHat if I told you the LA gal is only on the street to get her next fix and the gal in Beverly Hills is paying for school... is one more deserving of help then the other? Why?
I guess it's just a fact of life ...or a fact of people ...that we have preconceived notions of certain people. We cant help it, if we are labeled as such. . . Or can we? ..Help it , I mean. Maybe it takes a little effort... a lot of effort for most.
I definitely think faster then I type I wish i had one of those microphones that type for you...

by Lizbeth Sanchez on Thursday, May 26, 2011 at 7:32pm

"15 year old girl holds hands with her 1 year old son. People call her a slut, no one knows she was raped at 13. People call another Guy fat. No one knows he has a serious disease causing him to be overweight . People call an old man ugly. No one knew he had a serious injury to his face while fighting for your country in the war. Repost this if you are against bullying and stereotyping. "- stole this from a FB friend.

THoughts I've Had - The one about CONFLICT!

FOR EVERY TRAGEDY, EVERY MISUNDERSTANDING, EVERY ARGUMENT, EVERY LOSS...
 THERE IS:
A LITTLE BIT OF UNITY GAINED.

A LITTLE BIT OF KNOWLEDGE LEARNED. 

A LITTLE BIT OF TOLERANCE ACQUIRED.

A LITTLE BIT OF  APPRECIATION ACHEIVED. 

A PIECE OF YOU DISCOVERED

PERHAPS A PIECE YOU NEVER KNEW YOU HAD INSIDE OF YOU...
OR RENEWED...
TO MAKE YOU ALL THAT STRONGER,WISER,EMPATHETIC,THANKFUL,  ...
HAPPY

So much to write! So little time!!!

I've been very busy and I was about to begin writing but now I have to go... wah wah!

So I guess this will be a list of what I want/need to write about:

My double date with Autumn.
My fight with Charlie.
The possibilities of Charlie and me becoming long distance.
Charlie, Ericka's and my chat last time we hung out.
Charlie's "birthday present" to his Mom.
My last entry- my comments.

TTYL :D

pleasantries...

"Im thinking about when people ask "How you been?", "How are you?" "How you doing" and any other form - How many of them/you actually WANT to know and genuinely care???... Or is that just me.'
 I Know that we hear it on a regular basis when we go shopping... and when they ask its a part of the customer service "experience" but if you're gonna pretend to give a shit at least pretend to listen too!

 Do you know how many times I hear "how you been?" and then it stops right there. Ive heard people say "not so great" "horrible day!" and then I hear from the person who asked say "...mmm thats great" "..mmm..good" etc. :-O Do they not know that they actually have to listen to your response!? I guess most of the time its "Im fine" "doing good" etc and they automatically hear those responses even when one customer decides to be truthfull and comment that the day isnt all that great.

 Most of the time when people ask me at the check out lane I just say "fine" "great" etc and its because I know that you dont care, you wanna go home, i understand, I just wanna get outta this line... but on a very rare occasion i hear that sincerity in a persons voice that actually makes me want to speak to and have a short conversation with them , a few laughs are exchanged and a genuine "have a good day" and "thanks, you too!" are exchanged at the end. I guess I miss that. Working in customer service in the past , the only thing that kept me sane and going , when dealing with the rude, annoying, egotistical customer and with the rude, annoying and egotistical salesperson , was the GENUINE exchange of pleasantries between them and me.
I dont know about you guys but I'd rather you keep your fake pleasantries to yourself. ... that or get acting lesson or practice on your fake pleasantries.
PS Thanks to those who actually give a shit. :) I do too!
:P



I stop Listening, once you start yelling...

Had  a less then happy morning... I woke up late so I missed my first class. Normally I would be Oh Well! but today was a test day. We we're getting graded on our ability to perform CPR on a dummy. There are NO makeups. I guess I wont be getting my CPR card this semester.

I teared up this morning thinking about it after I got off the phone with Charlie. Lately, my emotions have been on high. Ever since Lizzie's epiphany's of 2011, they've been on a roller coaster ride. Ups and downs, highs and lows. I think it's because I've spent most of my life reeling in my emotions. I've tried so hard and gotten use to it over the years that now I'm overflowing with old and new emotions, there's just no more room or strength left to hold anymore in. . . and now I'm more aware and willing to try to understand them... understand myself. Anyways...

So I cheered up and told myself to stop worrying/being sad about it (with the help of Julia). Its done, its over, move on... you'll get certified next semester... get more sleep, add more alarms and don't fuck it up next semester! The End. (I'm learning not to be so pessimistic and stop focusing on everything that's wrong in my life- fix what I can and move on- all though it's hard not to dwell- and beat myself up for it) I'm also learning not to be so harsh on myself... so critical. After all you got your family to continue doing that for you.

... Then, when I was starting to get ready for my next class, and I went to turn on the faucet, no water came out. I used drinking water to wash my face and brush my teeth.Oh joy. So I grabbed my purse plugged my ears with music (music helps cheer me up) and left to catch the bus. Got there and that weird guy who picks up the trash was there, I smiled (I smile at everyone) and he says something to me... I took off my head phone because I couldn't hear anything and he started to chat with me. I'm glad my phone rang, lol, It was my brother Nestor. I could hear Yan in the background yelling.

She was upset that I didn't pick up the phone. Apparently she called me while I was walking to the bus stop. She wanted to know if her phone worked. In my head "I'm sorry I wasn't available to you at your convenience, forget the fact that I couldnt hear a damn thing." She yelled some more, asked me where I was, I told her I didnt need a ride... she said some more stuff... and yelled "I'm half way back anyways" and hung up. Crap. Does that mean she forcing a ride on me? Usually I have to bribe her or sit and hear her yell for a few minutes before I get a ride. (all though lately she has been giving me rides to school- but I think it's mainly because we have 2 classes together) So I thought: Grreeeeat. Cuz that's what I need right now... someone yelling at me... (I teared up slightly- I was frustrated and angry-Pretty much any surge of emotion makes me tear up now a days- *when you're young and don't have the words to express what you feel- tears are readily available- yet like I said over the years I learned to reel those in)

A little thing about me "I stop Listening, once you start yelling" and Yelling louder doesn't help me listen any better, so you might as well save your breath and stop talking. Why do people do that... just because your upset, had a bad day, or mad because something I did or didn't do- doesn't mean I have to stand there and let you YELL at me. . .  There's other ways to vent... I can hear you just fine, If not BETTER when I'm not being yelled at... but then again I'm use to people yelling at me... at one point It was even under my job description... but I'm sure as hell not getting paid to hear you do it! So I walk away or tune you out.
Something I noticed about myself... I don't yell back ( most of the time), I do it when my buttons are pushed to the brink or I'm all ready upset and you just triggered the bomb I've been holding in the pit of my stomach. And I don't know if I refrain from yelling back (whenever I'm being yelled at) because I'm USE to it or just because I DON'T CARE anymore. Lately I have though, lol... I've yelled back, talked back... whatever young whipper snappers do when arguing with people. I am NOT a young whipper snapper. I am a grown-ass woman! ... lol... Then again, I've noticed a lot of "grown ups" act like teenagers...

I definitely flunked High school Drama 101. I was never much for causing scenes... It feels good though ... to act the way I never did before and In a way it makes people see themselves. See me yelling at you!? See me causing a scene!? See how pointless arguing this way is???! GOOD, you see yourself now?!? GREEAT!  I'll stop yelling now! ... however I guess it's a process we HAVE TO go through... to LEARN how to deal with arguments in a socially acceptable way. . . as a child I don't think I learned any way though. Avoidance. . . that's the way I learned to deal. Prevention, avoidance and resignation.

PREVENTION:
Over the years I learned. Don't rock the boat. Do what your told. Don't ask for anything. Don't talk about your feelings. Don't voice opinions , ESPECIALLY those that don't match the norm.... in fact why don't you just say as little as possible, because nothing you say is right and you WILL get yelled at, be excluded and made to feel like shiit.

AVOIDANCE:
When there is a problem: avoid it, if at all possible! Avoid having arguments and conversations that COULD lead to arguments. If someone hurt your feelings or if you're angry, upset, sad and pretty much any negative feeling you may be having about ANYTHING... Avoid them. No one wants to hear them anyways and you'll just upset people if you do. I know YOU"RE upset, but that doesn't really matter.

RESIGNATION: Give up before you even try.  Be resigned to the fact that you cant fix a problem, an argument or any other hard thing in life. Be resigned that things are the way they are, you'll never amount to anything and why try to fix things, you know you cant do it anyways, so I'm just gonna yell at you so you might as well just listen and do what I say.

*If all you do is yell at your child for making mistakes and don't allow them the opportunity/gain the skills to fix them... all you're teaching them is how to hide their problems and mistakes from you. <--- something I heard in class aand can relate to. After all who wants to go to their parents and get yelled at for an hour, made to feel even WORSE then they all ready do and then not given a CHANCE to make things right. This goes for little-big things.

*Sigh ... I feel better... I could go on but I wont... I need to get ready for work.
Happy thoughts...Happy thoughts...Happy thoughts...Happy thoughts...!!!

The Frienship Blues

My last entree got me a wee bit emotional... Reminiscing about the past just brings back happy memories (things turned out ok) but also sad memories of today. I was reminded of Chris S. Remembering times he's been there for me. Like when Marley got hurt he was one of the few that helped out with her...

Poor thing had to be carried everywhere until she regained the use of her legs. I had to medicate her and keep a close eye on her for the next week or so. It took her about three days maybe four to start walking again. :) Everyone was surprised. The Vet said I had to prepare myself for the fact that she may never walk again. I looked into doggie wheel chairs that very same day. I guess Marley had other plans for her skinny legs. :)

This goes for four legged creatures too:

hmmmm... anywhoo... Last entree just reminded me of him... which caused a whole chain reaction.. which caused a simple conclusion to my all ready blues day...

I miss him. I miss hanging out with him, talking to him.... I miss HIM. He wasn't a perfect friend, but then again who is? Im definitely not... We're all human and humans are known to make mistakes and act all human like sometimes... but he was a good friend to me and he was always there when it REALLY mattered... I only wish I was a better friend to him... I'm not exactly sure why he stopped talking to me... I can only make assumptions, and you know how I hate to make assumptions!

 ... yet that's all I'm left with... again. I think the last time I spoke to him was early January of this year. He called me and I forgot to call him back. I was more then a little distracted that month... everything that was going on in the mini soap opera was getting to me and I couldn't focus on anything or anyone else. I was too busy trying to save friendships/relationships...
I very much regret that know... We all know how that turned out... I didn't know it then but I was trying to save something that was allready dead.... I just didn't know it yet... or perhaps it never really was alive to begin with...
...instead I should have been focusing on the people who wanted to talk to me and have me in their lives...

I tried calling him ... texting him ... emailing him... no response. He deleted me from Facebook... and he blocked me. I remember telling Ericka "I hate the fact that we live in a world where we can physically delete an entire friendship with just the click of a mouse!" Its that easy folks! Years worth of good times and even bad times spent together , GONE. Like we never existed. I apologized and tried to explain to him (in email, since he wouldn't return my calls) what was going on... albeit in a weird analogy ( which now that I think of was not a good idea) but I TRIED. Nothing.

 It wasn't until my talk with Charlie about Chris, did I realize how torn and sad I was inside about loosing his friendship...

I remember I had left my purse in Charlies car the last time we talked (I had to tell him the shinanigans Jerry started) and he was just going to bring it back to me put we ended up catching lunch at The Golden Dragon. I remember feeling rather chatty ( Charlie pointed that out too- As you know I am a rather quiet, shy gal) and feeling rather comfortable talking with him... i believe he asked about Chris n such because we had talked about it briefly before... so I told him a few things only Ericka at the time knew. . . and things about my friendship with Chris in general...

You see I've always had this image in my head about growing old (god-willing) and I told Charlie about it... I told him "Out of all the friends in my life, HE was one of the few I pictured, with me at the old folks home... racing our wheel chairs down the ramp." That thought would always make me laugh... this time it had an adverse affect. I could feel my throat closing... choking... I tried to hold it back. I absolutely HATE crying... It's bad enough when I cry when alone, but here I was in the middle of the day, in the middle of a restaurant, in the middle of someone I hardly knew... Starting to Cry. I remember I apologized for crying and told him I wasn't sure where that came from... Deep down I knew...

 

I'm not sure why I didn't confide in him... in anyone really. I guess I figured I could handle it on my own... I didn't want to bother them... I didn't think they'd understand... I was afraid they'd judge me... For whatever the reason... I know now he wouldn't have been bothered, or judgemental... he's always helped and been there for me in the past... why not now??? ... He's never let me go throw bad times alone.
Who was there for me when I got a letter saying I couldn't attend Fullerton because of a stupid postcard??? Who went with me to Fullerton to petition the Dean of students??? Not my boyfriend (at the time) not my mother... Chris WAS. Who went with me to visit Marley while at the vet? Who'd I spent the weekend with in San Bernardino (kitty too-lol) ??? Who'd I spent countless of work hours with?? Countless of fast food runs and conversations with??? Who would invite me over and wanna just hang out with boring little ol' MEEE??? One on one, Lizzie and Stephens time! It's easier to write this know... I teared up last night thinking about all this and more... 

It is very true- How CAN I forget someone that gave me soo many GOOD memories..
I cant...
I think  I's time to say hello to the sandman...
Sweet dreams.

My Marley

My baby Marley sunbathing herself. Marley has always been my little ray of sunshine. I smother her with love and she returns it two fold. I got her about four years ago from an old co worker of mine. Unfortunately he couldn't keep her so one day when I dragged my butt to work at 2 am (I worked as a newspaper delivery girl -lol) I saw the shyest, cutest puppy I've ever seen and fell in Love, <3 and he asked me if I wanted to keep her. He lived in a trailer park and didn't have enough time or room for her. At the time we lived in our newly mortgaged home and had plenty of room :) so we kept her. We all ready had a dog house there from the previous owners, needless to say she did not sleep in it. She would scratch at the door and cry until I let her in. I guess I shouldn't have let her sleep with me the first few days. lol.
Her first 80 dollar haircut! She was free but not. It cost a butt-load of money to have a pet... just like children, lol.

...but look how cuute she looks! Awwwe! lol
I remember thinking she's mine. Mine. I gave her all the pent up love I had inside me and she loved me back, no questions asked. She looks at me and see's the most fascinating person in the world. She greets me, like I'm the one person she's been waiting for all her life, to see. She is content just to lay next to me and keep me company. She kisses me and hugs me just because. She's always there when I need a furry shoulder to cry on. She makes me laugh. She is my best four legged friend. I absolutely LOVE my dog...

I just wish I could offer her better. We live in a crowded apartment building now. There's never enough money, so forget the 80 dollar haircuts. I think she's happy, but I think she could be happier... I think we both can be. Sigh* I'm working on it baby... I just need to finish school. It's been kicking my butt this last week. Mostly because of my schedule change. I've worked a few 8 hour shifts along with my school days. I haven't had 8 hour days since I got hired. I usually work 4 hour days, no longer then 6. My body is pretty tired, I think I definitely don't make enough to be beating up my body at work. Lifting, pulling, pushing... most of the times I work alone and am expected to finish the work of three! I hate when companies expect miracles from a worker just because they don't wanna give more hours to their employees. Hellooo! you're not the only ones cutting corners, we gotta eat and live too! I think you're big wig owners can do without their Hampton home and five other cars, so we can survive and buy our bare necessities, don't you think??

Isn't she adorable??? Yeees, I can brag and show off pictures... she's my child remember? :P
:( I cant even afford to take her to the vet. I don't know how I'm gonna do it but I hope I can figure something out. I found a lump on her butt, I hope it's nothing serious and I hope I can negotiate a payment plan with the vet. They helped me out last time. I hate thinking about the last time she was at the vet. . . She was in bad shape, after some inconsiderate bastard ran her over and left her to die. Luckily for her and me, a nice family found her and called me.
Marley a few days before her accident:

 

Marley after her accident :

Four staples, three broken ribs and her organs were literally shifted from the impact of the car. I had left her with my family that weekend, I went to Vegas. I came back and to my dismay I did not have my Marley greet me as she always does. I was only a little worried... then I called mu mom and brothers (no one was home) to ask if she was with them. No one answered... I got a little more worried. I called again until I finally reached someone... they didn't know where she was. I remember the door to the patio was left open and that's when I started to REALLY worry. I went around the complex calling her name. I was hoping she would hear me and bark. The worst thing going through my mind was perhaps a neighbor found her and decided to keep her instead of calling me. It's happened two times before, She's awful pretty, I'd want her too if I found her. Nothing. I was near tears. Then the call came...

The family found her between two lanes still on the street. If it wasn't for her long wavy hair they wouldn't have seen her, she's that small. They told us at first they thought she was a trash bag. I don't doubt she could barely walk so I guess the middle lane was the safest place she could go to. I remember they said they called the cops for help (they wont do anything-she's just a dog- property- they told them to call me) we met them at a nearby park, apparently she got hit not too far from where we lived. By this time I was in tears. My poor baby. They said she was pretty bad, they tried to get her to drink some water, she just lay there. When I finally saw her, I cried harder. She could barley lift her head up... my sunshine was dying. Yan rushed us to the nearest 24 hour vet hospital from there. I wish I still had the number of the family that found her, my dumb phone erased all my numbers. I would thank them properly not between hacking sobs. lol.
Marley today:

I remember handing her over and filling out a bunch of papers. They wanted to make sure I had monies, of course. It was late and the doctor said things didn't look good.. but he would do his best. He brought me and Yan in to say goodbye and give her our reassurances. I'm sure my bawling, wet kisses did not reassure her...lol... I guess she figured she should fight to stay with me... I was falling apart. My little miracle. She's a tough little gal. She survived the night but needed around the clock care for the next few days at a regular vet's office. I remember I posted on FB if anyone knew of a good vet. Stacey came to my rescue. I absolutely adore this woman. I have never met anyone like her. Goes to show me that there's still people in this world who are willing to lend a hand, not expecting anything in return.

I took this pic of her. I was one of her regulars at the 35er. Yup, she was my bartender. Me and my friends would go drink and dance at her bar. I was surprised how concerned she was. I remember her sending me her number right away so I could talk to her. Out of everyone I expected to hear from and show concern , she was definitely not on the list. She even offered to come with me to the vet as soon as I picked Marley up from the emergency vet. So we went to the vets and they took her in. The nurse at the 24 hour place was so nice, she gave me liquids for an IV to give to the new Doc, she said it would save me some money. I almost forgot about that. I'm glad I got paid that Friday... and I had spent my entire check and then some on Marley's urgent care. I was flat broke when I entered the new vets office, but luckily for me, they set up a care credit for me... all I had to do was put down at least 20 bucks...unfortunately, I didn't even have that. . . Stacey handed over her credit card. My face was all ready swollen from crying most of the night and I'm certain- despite using up what I thought was a years supply of tears- I cried again from the gesture. I wish I knew more people like her. <3

Marley stayed in there care for an additional 3 days. I came to visit her. My mom, Yan and Stephens came during those three days too. Sigh*

I gotta go... I've opened up a can of worms and I should get SOME sleep too...
Remind me to tell you the rest of this story later... Sweet Dreams